First before I respond, let me apologize to Jethro for stealing this thread for a minute to respond to this post. Thank you Jethro.
Anyway Holding, I couldn't help but "butt" into the question you asked of Jethro about whether or not he's read, "After the Affair."
I read that book about two months after Bomb #1 struck and about two weeks into our first failed attempt at reconciliation. I found the book painful to read in some ways because at the time I didn't know "what kind of A" my H had. I think I saw it as an "exit affair"...anyway, the irony of that book is, here we were H * I (separated as a result of the bomb, even though the six month A had been over several months before I found out), and my H & I were talking about attempting reconciliation. Of course I was doing all the reading, pleading, begging, ad nauseum while HE began screwing OW #2. I scream (silently) every time I think of the irony of that.
I look back on how completely devastated I was back then. How pathetic, how needy, how totally out of control of myself and my life I was. It's almost frightening. During those months I wavered between homicide and suicide...how insane it all was.
I get angry at myself for dismissing the red flags I KNEW where there (when A#2) was going on, because I wanted so desperately to pull my "old life" and my marriage back together. So I talked myself out of what I knew to be true. I bought the continued lies because I needed to in order not to do take my own life. I was hanging by a thread psychologically and he was waving my mental state in the air like a white flag of surrender. I still till this day can't fathom the type of callous indifference he showed towards me, the woman he'd spent over 20 yrs of his life with. My ears ring with some of the 1/2 truths, out and out lies, omissions and cold hearted words he used to dismiss of my feelings. I saw him as a monster and yet...I clung to him.
Here I was, this somewhat successful professional woman whose outward appearance was held fastidiously intact that rushed home at night and jumped into bed wreathing and sobbing, trying to ward off the long nights of loneliness and absolute despair.
So I often ask myself, how did I get here? How did I get from looking into the eyes of a devil, to even considering still wanting to try again? I have great difficulty justifying that in my mind, finding the balance or sanity of that.
The memories of those days and the lessons I've learned from them greatly impact the way I perceive my H now. I relate so much to the things Jethro says they are my exact feelings in many many respects.
My H & I are still separated and although this time he seems far more committed to trying to heal our R...I am so haunted with suspicions, warning signs, mistrust, and fear that it is very difficult to see a "baby step" and take it at face value.
Believe me, I want to "trust" again because I know that if I can't, we don't stand a chance. But I know that after all the lies, deceitfulness and pain, we have a tough row to hoe here.
But as Jethro has said, as human beings there comes a point at which we have to allow ourselves to say, "I've done 90% of the work, I've driven us this far, if you can't take the wheel now and get us home, then you have to get out and walk. T2
