let me see if I can help make any sense of this stuff for us.
Quote: I have been AWOL lately trying to figure things out and trying to see if the BB causes some undue stress at times. I guess it's that double-edged sword KAW was referring to...
you may or may not notice that from time to time I only post on my own thread...this is when the bb is getting to me...reading about the goings on and not goings on in others lives can have a tendancy to bring me down...so when I'm already in a state of confusion or just plain down..I don't read much of others stuff.
Quote: In any case, nothing new or dramatic in my sitch. I have been getting increasingly more frustrated with her lack of effort, however. It's not that she's not trying...it's just that she does just enough to get by. Now that I know what it takes to make things work, I expect more. Yes...yes...yes...expectations. How can I not have some? I think after everything, I'm not off-base.
I do recall once my c saying to me that he has had many h's in his office make the statement "she wasn't happy before now how can I make her happy" or even better is a personal example...I let h know that I need certain things...tried not to make it a "everything sucks" kinda convo but just wanted to let him know I needed a tad more as a result of all this. He was a tad defensive and his first response was "so for the rest of my life I'm going to be judged by what I do from week to week?" heck I wouldn't want that life so why should I impose it upon him just because he screwed up in the past?
we have to sit back jethro and think real hard...are we really not getting enough or are we still expecting more because of what happend...if we are expecting more because of what happend then are we not punishing our s's and therefore not forgiving them.
Quote: In any case, my frustration got the best of me and I had a talk with her Saturday morning. It's a pattern to date. I'll mention that she's backing off on trying to "really" work on our R, she apologizes, works a little harder for about a week or so, then lets it go again. I can only imagine that this pattern will continue.
what can we do to break this pattern? how are we acting while they are in "trying harder" mode. I know myself when h is in the trying harder mode (as a result of a talk or an incident) I tend to back off a bit and simply treat him as I would a friend. in other words give him a bit more leeway and drop some expectations.
Quote: Again, it's not that she's NOT trying...it's just that she seems apathetic. I continue to feel as though she'll never REALLY love me again, and feels this way herself, but has resigned herself to live this life.
are you sure you're not me?
Quote: I know if it were not true, she'd be a bit more assertive in expressing her feelings for me.
what makes you so sure? how do you "know" that she'd do anything differently?
Quote: So, her response to me bringing this up was, "I'm a tough nut to crack and sometimes you are going to have to remind me. Rome wasn't built in a day." I told her firmly that I shouldn't have to remind her of anything...
kinda sounds like the "let's just let things happen naturally" line I usually get. but I have to point out to you...why SHOULDN'T you have to remind her of anything? should she always know what you need and how you feel?
Quote: In any case, since mentioning this, she has been better, but I have been backing off, withdrawing...feeling pretty crummy...reliving all of the crap. I asked a couple questions about her A the other day and she divulged further information that she had originally lied about when she was supposedly being honest with me (right after I found out about her A). This is extremely bothersome because I've taken her A, put it in a box, compartmentalized the entire thing, but now with the new information, the boundaries are yet, once again, redefined. The new information wasn't staggering...but it really hurt for whatever reason. Now I'm trying to reset the walls of that box and it's making me feel very distant from her
well then I guess the only thing you can do once you process the new info is to stop asking for more info as it's obviously not bringing you closer together. but also be thankful that she's willing to be "honest" with more stuff now than she was before...try not to look at the previous lie but instead look at the closeness she feels that enables her to share the truth now.
Quote: I've certainly been down the last few days, and she notices, but doesn't really say anything. I think she is just trying to give me some space. She gets frustrated when I ask questions about the past, the A...not in a negative way...but she thinks whenever I bring stuff up from the past it prevents us from moving forward.
I understand how you feel but I think I can also understand how she feels...she wants to put it in the past...and also by your bringing it up and asking her about it takes her back to that place..therefore not bringing you closer.
Quote: Hell, I'm still trying to deal with it while she's already moving forward!
before my seperation I talked about ow alot, was full of questions etc...couldn't deal with it and didn't know enough to deal with it myself. when h didn't seem to want to talk about it with me..one of the things I realized is this...for the betraying partner the "healing" process is easier or faster because they actually on some level have been dealing with it since the begining of deceit..now that it's out and done with they can move on. we on the other hand are new to the info and therefore take longer to process it. imagine if you will a time in the future when you no longer even think about this time...when the a is not something that even passes your thoughts...then all of a sudden w starts to want to talk about it...wants to appologize all the time...or let you know when she get's upset with things that remind her of what she did. how would that make you feel? would you not wish that she would just get over it and put it in the past. I know it's hard to fathom a time when we won't want to hear our spouses say sorry and show empathy and remourse for what they've done...but I'd bet it could and probably would happen that way.
Quote: So, what do you guys think? Do I need a 2x4 treatment? Should I just shut-up about the A now? Am I dwelling on things far too much?
if you have to ask....I think you know the answer.
now if I could only listen to myself things would be great!
