So...everyone...I need a reality check, as my head has been spinning and my heart has grown harder.
I have been AWOL lately trying to figure things out and trying to see if the BB causes some undue stress at times. I guess it's that double-edged sword KAW was referring to...
In any case, nothing new or dramatic in my sitch. I have been getting increasingly more frustrated with her lack of effort, however. It's not that she's not trying...it's just that she does just enough to get by. Now that I know what it takes to make things work, I expect more. Yes...yes...yes...expectations. How can I not have some? I think after everything, I'm not off-base.
In any case, my frustration got the best of me and I had a talk with her Saturday morning. It's a pattern to date. I'll mention that she's backing off on trying to "really" work on our R, she apologizes, works a little harder for about a week or so, then lets it go again. I can only imagine that this pattern will continue.
Again, it's not that she's NOT trying...it's just that she seems apathetic. I continue to feel as though she'll never REALLY love me again, and feels this way herself, but has resigned herself to live this life. She doesn't say as much and is really pretty pleasant, but I can't shake that feeling. I know if it were not true, she'd be a bit more assertive in expressing her feelings for me.
So, her response to me bringing this up was, "I'm a tough nut to crack and sometimes you are going to have to remind me. Rome wasn't built in a day." I told her firmly that I shouldn't have to remind her of anything...
In any case, since mentioning this, she has been better, but I have been backing off, withdrawing...feeling pretty crummy...reliving all of the crap. I asked a couple questions about her A the other day and she divulged further information that she had originally lied about when she was supposedly being honest with me (right after I found out about her A). This is extremely bothersome because I've taken her A, put it in a box, compartmentalized the entire thing, but now with the new information, the boundaries are yet, once again, redefined. The new information wasn't staggering...but it really hurt for whatever reason. Now I'm trying to reset the walls of that box and it's making me feel very distant from her.
I've certainly been down the last few days, and she notices, but doesn't really say anything. I think she is just trying to give me some space. She gets frustrated when I ask questions about the past, the A...not in a negative way...but she thinks whenever I bring stuff up from the past it prevents us from moving forward. Hell, I'm still trying to deal with it while she's already moving forward! She just wants to forget everything and not talk about it (however, she is willing to talk about it if I ask). To give her credit, she did say that she's happy to talk about our R, but again, doesn't feel that it helps bringing up the past.
So, what do you guys think? Do I need a 2x4 treatment? Should I just shut-up about the A now? Am I dwelling on things far too much?
