The truth is that she is going to do what she is going to do regardless of where she is and whether she is in counseling or not. Especially if this is something like a mid-life crisis, and I personally think it is.
My ex got separation from us immediately, and filed for divorce within 3 weeks. She was in twice a week counseling with a Doctor not just a therapist, and he encouraged her to do "what will make you happy."
You just never know.
One clear message that we would send to you during this time is to only attempt to control what YOU can control. Your wife and her actions is definitely not one of those things, despite how helpless that makes us feel.
I think you are doing what can be done. Encourage her, continue to love and support her, validate her feelings and yet refuse to agree to statements that you don't agree with. If you ALL can tolerate each other at home, wonderful. Just know that in many of these situations, people tend to find that the distance is ultimately helpful. For sanity at the very least and possibly for the relationship as well.
This is not an easy journey Mules. It will wear you down more quickly than you could believe. But your marriage and your family is something that you would endure just about anything for, right? Honestly, until and unless infidelity comes in to the picture, can you morally do anything but continue to fight for this marriage?
You are the important thing right now. Actually, you and your boys. Because those are two things that you CAN make plans for to help during this time. As for your wife, she must find her way through this time.
You are trying to reach a point where you can stop taking her behavior and words personally. Tell yourself, over and over again, that this is NOT about you and NOT about the boys. This is about her and what is going on inside. Hopefully she has a good counselor who will help her figure out what is going on inside. But pressure from the outside, whether from you, the boys, or her parents has typically shown to be a big negative.
The MLC'er is experiencing a level of frustration similar to what the rest of you are going through. In their confusion they cry out, act out, and vascillate back and forth between seeming in control and out of control. This is NORMAL in this situation, and the down times she goes through is NOT because of you or the boys.
Stop taking this personally. If it helps, think of this as a medical condition she is suffering with. If she had cancer, you would not blame yourself for that, nor would you take offense when she has a bad day. The inner turmoil is something she has no control over right now.
I hate to keep bringing it up, but Sue Monk Kidd was experiencing basically an MLC at the time of writing the book I recommended. While much of her story is from the spiritual side, she talks at length about the feelings of restlessness, dissatisfaction - especially with things that were once satisfying - and the sense of being lost with no direction. She found her way out, and your wife can do the same.
Validate. Support. Love unconditionally. Don't take her words/actions personally. Speak the truth in love. Feed YOUR soul and emotions with friends and family.
You CAN do this. It will be hard and painful, but you can. And it IS worth it. Ask Jackthreebeans.
Blessings,
Bill
"Don't tell me the sky is the limit when there are footprints on the moon."
