Interested in feedback from anyone with a similar experience. My W and I have been married 11 years, five years back we had a close call and after marriage counseling have had 4 really great years.
I get jealous because she likes to go on "girl vacations" with her single girlfriends (in their 40's). Intellectually I don't think whe would cheat on me, and she has told me these vacations are just about getting time away with her girlfriends. The only part that bothers me is she spends weeks buying sexy clothes and shoes for these trips and always obsesses about losing weight right before she goes. The other girls (and my wife) are gorgeous and the whole 4 of them together are something to see. Some of the single girls on the trip (well, they're all single now except my wife) hook up with guys on these vacations. They go out dancing (and my wife dances with other men -- she claims they are just all dancing together in proximity) and try to find the most upscale bars where the most "interesting" people go.
That last paragraph is the "fear in me" part describing the vacation. Again, I really do trust that my W is just having a blast with the girls, gets a kick out of watching the others talk to guys (she makes jokes about it to me afterwards). She always tells me she is not into meeting men on these trips. Neither of us have ever cheated on each other.
It still triggers the heck out of my anxiety. When I've told her this in the past it is repellant to her. She doesn't want to hear it. She wants me to be supportive of her chance to hang out with these girls -- she sees it as a chance to have close friendships with women that she never had when she was growing up.
After her last trip I admitted my anxiety and we've had somewhat of a marital relapse -- she hates getting into big talks about this kind of stuff and anything that seems like jealousy, insecurity massively turns her off.
Has anyone else had a similar thing? I know that jealousy can be a self-fulfilling prophesy. I think its natural for me not to like the idea of my wife dancing with other men, but since I trust her, I need to make peace with this.
Wow, that's a tough one. you might not get many people here to tell you they think it's ok because it's an 'infidelity' board and we're all feeling the sting and pain of that.
I can say I wouldn't be comfortable with it. It's one thing to go lay on a beach with GF's, but going to clubs with single hot women while they hook up is a recipe for disaster if you ask me.
Good luck.
Hope4us
Me - 49, W 49 S22 & S18 Dday 9/4/07 W claims NC 4/7/08 8/29/09 - Divorce Busted. Lots to work through, but we're going to make it.
I agree with hope4us. Coming from someone that cheated on her H, who is the type of girl who would have NEVER done that, putting yourself in situations like that is not a good idea. That being said, I do understand your wife's need to go out and feel beautiful with other girls. If you didn't say anything about your marriage being a little rocky I might say to not worry about it too much. Do you go on "guy trips", and if so, does she worry about that? (trips to Las Vegas with buddies, etc?)
My wife typically goes on a girl trip once a year or so. However, it is usually with one or at the most two other women with whom she has had a long friendship, and they are also married! They typically do the fun and sun thing and just relax with no kids or husbands. I would blow a gasket if I found out she had danced/ interacted with other men on these trips. I could care less about them going out for a drink together. Just another form of relaxation and very easy to hang a "NOT INTERESTED" sign.
Do you travel on business? Would your wife be comfortable with you hanging out at the singles bars or crusing the red light district with your friends to see if they could score?
One of my tests about acceptability of behavior is to try the shoe on the other foot and see how well it fits.
(Puppy likes that name, by the way) -- the trips are inappropriate, and that's just from the parts that your wife has chosen to disclose to you. If they make you uncomfortable, and you have told your wife that, then she should honor your wishes and find a more suitable way to get away with the girls (which is perfectly fine, btw).
If she won't, then she is putting her friendships ahead of her husband, which is wrong IMHO.
I used to be in a band and we hit the road all the time. On these trips there were women coming up to us all the time. The single guys in the band hooked up with these girls , and I always had good stories to tell my W afterward. So, yes, in the old days (first few years of marriage) shoes was on the other foot and she had no trouble with it.
Since then we have a little daughter and I'm not in the band anymore, just the day job left (I'm the main breadwinner). I still have full leash to go on any man vacations I see fit, but my buddies and i go canoeing and do outdoor stuff instead of "partying."
However, I'm still uncomfortable when the shoe is on the other foot, which given our record together, seems unfair. I'm in counseling to understand why I have this trust issue. All the usual stuff about familiars, fear of a, etc.
Putting my foot down and saying "you can go to the beach but please stay home from the bars" would be a recipe for disaster and she would think I'm being controlling.
You cannot "forbid" her to go on these. Yes, that would be controlling.
All you can do is state what YOU are uncomfortable with. What she then does with that, is up to her, but it's also very telling.
If you want to take it "all the way," you can make it a "boundary," and say "You can do what you want, you are a grown woman, but I personally cannot live in a marriage where my wife goes on trips like these." But I don't think you want to make a marital stand on this issue, absent some hard evidence that she's doing anything adulterous on these trips.
Thanks for the thoughts. I agree, I agree. My real goal is to support her in her quest to forge meaningful adult friendships which is one of her New Year's resolutions while at the same time not going nuts with anxiety. I overreact to these things but totally agree with you about letting her know how I feel.
Probably time to drag back into marriage counseling. It was the best thing we ever did in our marriage. 1 full year of weekly torment and we are closer than ever (usually) now.
Over the years we've been married (almost 19) I've had the opportunity to go on many "girl trips" with both single and married girlfriends-- and all the changes they went through in between.
Some of my fondest memories and strongest bonds were built on those trips and never once did I even consider for a second hooking up with another man on those trips. One of the girls passed away a few years ago... had I missed one of the trips...
I am so thankful my H trusted me and allowed me the space to create memories with the women who stuck by me when I needed them later. I'm thankful I'm but a flight away from reconnecting with them again since we had to leave the area I made those lasting friendships.
You wrote that you are the one with the anxiety and "overreacting"... and that you are closer than ever. I would be crushed if my H didn't trust me and extremely resentful if suddenly I wasn't "allowed" to go away with the girls because of it. I would seriously consider exploring why you don't trust her anymore when you are "allowed" to go on "guy vacations".
