This post by TC really really resonated with me and some of my thoughts and fears as I make time to get a life and date. This is my post for the day. It is so choke full of wisdom... And yes in my anal way - I have broken it down by point and highlighted things so I don't miss anything.
Quote:
(i) I think Beth hit on something when she said "Women do better at being along after a divorce than men do". My BF was only alone for a few months after his D before he started dating,
(ii) I was alone for 4 years before dating! When I was alone, I was totally "fine"...well, after my crying my eyes out, not eating, not sleeping period...once I stabilized and accepted the D...then, I was "fine" being alone. My life was FULL with my kids, my family, work, hobbies, etc.
(iii) I got SO TIRED of people asking me "when are you going to start dating?". Even my own therapist told me I was "stuck" because I wasn't dating!
(iv) But, as wonderful as it is to have a significant other in my life, I would also be just fine without a significant other in my life. There was a time in my life where I couldn't say that, and I was never happy just "being" , I had to "be WITH someone" to be happy.
(v)I have my concerns that my BF has not learned that lesson in life yet....to be happy just "being".....he doesn't relish time alone....he would rather be with me or his kids or his friends....he is always inviting people over and entertaining....me.....
(vi) I HAVE to have my time alone, or I get SOOOOO CRANKY! The thing that saves us is my BF is a workaholic, and works 6 days a week until 7 or 8 pm at night. So, that way, I get LOTS of time to myself and time with my kids.
(vii) That whole "two year rule", I truly believe in it. The first 6 months to a year, everyone is still on their best behavior. By the end of the first year, you are JUST BEGINNING to see the REAL PERSON, with all their flaws, as they are of you. That second year is a big "dance", back and forth, figuring each other out, deciding if their flaws are ones you can live with ( and we all have flaws, darn it all!) or if those flaws are deal breakers. That second year brings conflict, and how we deal with that conflict dictates whether the R is a healthy one or not.
(viii) In my situation, I am 37 and my BF is 48. He has dated lots more than I have. I really could care less about dating more men, I am very happy with him. But, then again, I like things just as they are...my house..his house...my money...his money....my kids...his kids....and I have no desire to go any further. That being said, I am good to him. I cook for him a few times a week, do little errands for him ( as he never has time because he works so much), make sure I get a babysitter if it's not my XH's weekend so we can go out for a nice dinner, etc......
(ix) I know in my heart that I am not ready for more than we currently have, and I have to stay true to myself. If that means that I will end up an old maid and alone, so be it....because, thanks to this awful D journey...I have done the work on myself and learned to be happy all by myself.
(x) I know the day will come when my kids go to college and move away, but that's another age and another stage. I am enjoying this age and stage , one day at a time, and I finally learned to stop stressing and let go of worrying about my BF wanting more than I do. I finally realized that that's HIS problem and HIS decision, and once I let it go, it's been so much better!
