Officially Here Now

[7 Year Itch]

Well, I was about 90% successful, but he threw a wrench in the plans when he wanted to talk about this weekend with the girls. He wants them to come for their first overnight at the house where he is staying Sunday and Monday. I totally started to cry.

He got pissy and said "It's only a day and a half Chris" to which I said "Yes, but you have to remember, I'm with them 24/7. With your job, you are used to having a day here and there of not seeing them at all. I'm not. And it's a different circumstance than the times I choose to be away from them when I've gone away on an occasional scrapbook weekend etc.... This is them being taken away from me. Big difference"

Then he got snotty, and did a smirky laugh and said "You know for the last year, I'd walk in the door from work and you'd declare what a bad day you'd had, and run and leave them to me. Now you suddenly can't be away from them for a day?".

To which I got really pissed because one of the things I have realized and TOLD him through all of this is that I now realize I was in a severe depression the last 2 years, which I believe affected a lot of what has happened with us. I didn't realize it until I got on Anti Depressants a couple months ago, and now realize how I felt the last 2 years was NOT normal sadness. I'm sad now, but it's different. I don't know how to explain it.

Anyway, I'm pretty sure I had Post Partum Depression, that went untreated and after dealing with all the huge life stuff we had with my Mom and other stuff, I think it just progressed.

So I said "Chris, I can keep saying it over and over. And YOU may not believe it, or understand it. But that was NOT me. And even in the midst of all that. I have NEVER not loved those girls more than life itself. I was sick, I was treading water, and just surviving day to day. I can keep apologizing over and over, but it's obvious you don't accept it. But do NOT imply that I do not love those girls"

To which he sort of slunk back and said. "fair enough".

So this weekend has to be yet another huge sucky milestone for me. I'm dreading it. I'll take the girls to church on Sunday then he wants to pick them up after that have them the rest of Sunday and ALL day Monday. He'll then bring them home after dinner.
I think it will be the longest day and a half in my life.

I'm going to try to line up some stuff to do with friends if I can to try to keep myself busy.

Chris