I Think I Have Officially DB'd Guys!!!

[sage]

Perhaps I can address both of what you ladies have mentioned/questioned. Frankly, I'm not absolutely sure what it is. I do think, as LL Villa pointed out, that I am holding on to some of this stuff for protection. To let go is to assume all is well and there's no concern for further indiscretions. Not sure I can do this yet, as I can't REALLY trust my W yet. I forgive her, but I don't really trust her. Additionally, I think it's because it's simply what I know. I've been conditioned all of my life to feel crappy. Why should that change now? This is something that I need to overcome no matter what, really.

Furthermore, I have always considered myself a very moral person...a regular Dudley Do-Right. I met my W when I was 15 and have ALWAYS loved her...always... For her it's been different. So, I'm having to deal with...I suppose...a loss of innocence too, while having to deal with my own moral obligations and her lack of moral obligations. By choice I would never have M'd someone who would do this (not that any of us would have). However, there have been some red flags over the years. I just chose to ignore them.

Darn it, it gets complicated! The more I think about it, the more confused I become.

jethro -- so, it's clearly not just one thing, right? How about this....

If I let go of my pain...I....

* feel like I'm sending the message that an a. is "get overable" or OK

* expose myself -- without the a. as the "issue" in the m, we are back on level ground

* have to let go of something that's allowing me to feel crappy

* lose my image of myself as a man who would not tolerate this type of thing...

etc...(I totally paraphrased there so inaccuracies may exist). I'm going to say, though, that even the above list isn't the REAL story, is it? I mean, I know you've seen on my thread how immersed I can get in my own story, thoughts, but as an example -- what are you GETTING by holding onto your view as the "moral" one? for me, so much of it has to do with my parents, my f's infidelities, their d. etc. You say you were programmed to feel crappy all your life -- that sounds eerily familiar to me...

I also have to wonder about everyone on the BB. Is there some common trait that all of us have that brings us here? Is it neediness, a vigilent co-dependence, fear of change, strength, universal consciousness, a higher purpose? What is it? What is God trying to tell us? I can't help but think there's purpose in all of this...that the pain will lead to enlightenment.

I love my h. and want my m. That's why I've DB'd. Along the way, though, I realized that SO many of my actions and responses to him are (were) just patently unhealthy. And that the state we're in right now may be "blamed" on his a. and his dropping the bomb but have a tangled web back to the beginning of our r. AND, DB'ing gives me a way to untangle that web not only for him and our m. but so that I can get healthier, too. But you know that. I'd say that the people who "get" DB'ing have somehow reached the point in their lives where they've realized that whatever horrendously crappy sitch led them here is an opportunity for them to become more whole, more gracious, more forgiving, less judgemental, etc. whatever it is that they're holding onto that they need to let go.

For me? It's shown a bright light on my control issues, trust issues, lack of forgiveness towards my family and myself, fear of uncertainty....

Sage