I feel like I am walking this tight rope and I'm constantly trying to keep my balance between detaching and doing my own things and trying to stay close and avaliable to her.
I think she wants to feel needed and loved from her comments to me, but how do I do that and give her space while I keep trying to be less dependent on her.
Its like a Catch 22. Today I want to be close and affectionate but the next couple we are just roomates.
She does not wear her rings but if she puts one on its her engagement ring only and that might be once every 10 days or so. WHY????
Everyone says to not pay attention to anything she does but I have to because these things have to have meaning. Its like her comments on the gifts, the questions on where I am going and why, the helping with things I haven't had time to get to and the nice things like the plant for my office and an engraved business card holder she got me.
I want to have hope but I also don't want to get my hopes up to much. I cant ask her about the M or the R. Its like a guessing game except you cant ask questions, not all of her actions make sense and the only one who knows the rules is her.
Here is an exaple. Two weekends ago she went to meet one of her girlfiends for dinner and a movie. She wore her ER out but when she got home it was not on. She had taken it off and stuck it in her change purse. Why wear it out but take it off afterwards. I don't make any comments about her not wearing her rings or anything so why do that. I would prefer that they remain in the dish in our bathroom than thrown in a change purse like any common piece of jewlery.
Is she trying to reassure me that she was with a girlfriend and not someone else. If so atleast remember to put it back on. This was atleast the third time she did it.
Again I am just rambling but I need to write it down and get it out of my head because non of it makes sense and probably never will. I just need to learn to ignore the stupid stuff like the rings and concentrate on the important stuff.
Dont hit me to hard with a 2x4 its just my mind trying to fit all the pieces of the puzzle together.
I feel like I am walking this tight rope and I'm constantly trying to keep my balance between detaching and doing my own things and trying to stay close and avaliable to her.
because you are.
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She does not wear her rings but if she puts one on its her engagement ring only and that might be once every 10 days or so. WHY????
can't answer that..OM in picture?
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Everyone says to not pay attention to anything she does but I have to because these things have to have meaning
some may, most probably don't. Can't expect anything. Do for yourself.
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I want to have hope but I also don't want to get my hopes up to much. I cant ask her about the M or the R. Its like a guessing game except you cant ask questions, not all of her actions make sense and the only one who knows the rules is her.
Hope is good. Yes, it's like a guessing game but only she knows the answer. The sooner you stop guessing and let go the easier the game will become. She is in control, you have none.
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Here is an exaple. Two weekends ago she went to meet one of her girlfiends for dinner and a movie. She wore her ER out but when she got home it was not on. She had taken it off and stuck it in her change purse. Why wear it out but take it off afterwards. I don't make any comments about her not wearing her rings or anything so why do that. I would prefer that they remain in the dish in our bathroom than thrown in a change purse like any common piece of jewlery.
Is she trying to reassure me that she was with a girlfriend and not someone else. If so atleast remember to put it back on. This was atleast the third time she did it.
Again, OM in picture?? I don't think she is doing this to reassure you.
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I just need to learn to ignore the stupid stuff like the rings and concentrate on the important stuff.
Dont hit me to hard with a 2x4 its just my mind trying to fit all the pieces of the puzzle together.
Yes, ignore the stupid stuff. No 2x4's for you. It is perplexing. I know been there and done that.
Is the OM in the picture, I don't know. She was really hurt when I accused her of and EA and possible PA. She said that I hurt her by thinking she would do something like that. She has denided it over and over. Told me she has not contacted him since 4/5.
I bounce back and forth over the issue. Again I have no proof either way. I can not imagine her doing this but most people on here probably thought the same thing.
I would hope she would not have that much disrespect for me and the kids but who knows. I love this woman but don't think I could ever forgive her for doing something like that.
Again if she was seeing him why put the ring on at all? Its not everytime she goes out, sometimes its to work or when we go out but not everytime. I think she may feel like connecting and wear it and when she dosen't she dosen't. She does not go out very often by herself at night but I am only with her at night. As she told me if I wanted to I could talk to him or see him during the day.
I don't think she would have said that if she was seeing him. But then again what the he** do I know.
Again I am way over thinking these things and if I trusted her totally I would not even be thinking this. So either I learn to totally trust her and possible be seen as a fool if it is true or I continue to waver back and forth and most likely lose her.
I can not accuse her anymore because if she has not done anything but be friends with him and is not talking to him anymore she will be hurt and our M is over. If she is and has been seeing him our M is over but I will feel better and would not be a fool.
So I chose to keep my mouth shut, now I just need to trust she is not going behind my back and making a mockery out of our M.
Is the OM in the picture, I don't know. She was really hurt when I accused her of and EA and possible PA. She said that I hurt her by thinking she would do something like that. She has denided it over and over. Told me she has not contacted him since 4/5.
I bounce back and forth over the issue. Again I have no proof either way. I can not imagine her doing this but most people on here probably thought the same thing.
I would hope she would not have that much disrespect for me and the kids but who knows. I love this woman but don't think I could ever forgive her for doing something like that.
Again if she was seeing him why put the ring on at all? Its not everytime she goes out, sometimes its to work or when we go out but not everytime. I think she may feel like connecting and wear it and when she dosen't she dosen't. She does not go out very often by herself at night but I am only with her at night. As she told me if I wanted to I could talk to him or see him during the day.
I don't think she would have said that if she was seeing him. But then again what the he** do I know.
Again I am way over thinking these things and if I trusted her totally I would not even be thinking this. So either I learn to totally trust her and possible be seen as a fool if it is true or I continue to waver back and forth and most likely lose her.
I can not accuse her anymore because if she has not done anything but be friends with him and is not talking to him anymore she will be hurt and our M is over. If she is and has been seeing him our M is over but I will feel better and would not be a fool.
So I chose to keep my mouth shut, now I just need to trust she is not going behind my back and making a mockery out of our M.
Like I said way earlier in your sitch. There are two trains of thought here.
1. forget about the Om and do what your doing. Most affairs die after the newness wears off.
2. Out the affair if you have proof.
That choice is yours. There are many positives in your sitch. Only you can make that decision.
The ring thing you may want to forget about.
Mine wore her engagement ring until recently, she took off her wedding band months ago. She now wears nothing.
hang in there and keep doing what your doing. Stop thinking about her every move and concentrate on you.
Tim, hi, I'm just going to throw some things out here & you tell me if anything resonates....okay ???
The first thing I needed from H was for him to provide empathy when I spoke to him about any issue that was bothering me. I wanted him to listen, make eye contact, lean forward, pay attention. Care about what was important to me. Rule #1 When a woman cries offer to hold her. No matter what she's crying about, sad movie, happy tears, hallmark card commercial, offer to hold her.
Here's my worst extreme example of cold non-empathy DAM. I tried to talk to him about being abused as a child. He wants to fix it right. He wants to make it all better, he says "you need to get over that, it was a long time ago". What I needed to hear was "that must have been horrible", or "what was that like for you?". That's empathy. Trying to put yourself in the other persons shoes. Imagine how they might feel to say what they said.
I needed verbal affection. I needed compliments & approval & acknowledgement. He was afraid to compliment my appearance because he thought I'd get a big head. WTF ??? Every other man I've ever talked to mentions my appearance, but the one I'm sleeping with doesn't ? That one really threw me. He would always say "you look nice". Nothing else. No creativity, no specificity, nothing. You look nice. When I spend an hour getting all decked out, trying to look super sexy & appealing, & he says "you look nice" in the same tone as when I was cleaning the garage the other day.......not good. DAM. I want a "WOW, d*mn woman, you look amazing". At least four times a year. I also want to hear compliments about my character, my integrity, my tenderness, my sensitivity, all the things that make me special to him & our kids.
I needed non sexual physical affection. Hugs, holding hands, touching. No groping, copping a feel, squeezing my butt, brushing against my boob, none of that. Nothing sexual. Just physical affection.
How's that for a start ?
M 19 years, MC for 8 months, DB'd for 8 months 4 kids; 18, 15, 14, & 10 I was never meant to be a doormat. It took me years of therapy to become assertive enough to stop his abuse.
Tim, hi, I'm just going to throw some things out here & you tell me if anything resonates....okay ???
The first thing I needed from H was for him to provide empathy when I spoke to him about any issue that was bothering me. I wanted him to listen, make eye contact, lean forward, pay attention. Care about what was important to me. Rule #1 When a woman cries offer to hold her. No matter what she's crying about, sad movie, happy tears, hallmark card commercial, offer to hold her.
Here's my worst extreme example of cold non-empathy DAM. I tried to talk to him about being abused as a child. He wants to fix it right. He wants to make it all better, he says "you need to get over that, it was a long time ago". What I needed to hear was "that must have been horrible", or "what was that like for you?". That's empathy. Trying to put yourself in the other persons shoes. Imagine how they might feel to say what they said.
I needed verbal affection. I needed compliments & approval & acknowledgement. He was afraid to compliment my appearance because he thought I'd get a big head. WTF ??? Every other man I've ever talked to mentions my appearance, but the one I'm sleeping with doesn't ? That one really threw me. He would always say "you look nice". Nothing else. No creativity, no specificity, nothing. You look nice. When I spend an hour getting all decked out, trying to look super sexy & appealing, & he says "you look nice" in the same tone as when I was cleaning the garage the other day.......not good. DAM. I want a "WOW, d*mn woman, you look amazing". At least four times a year. I also want to hear compliments about my character, my integrity, my tenderness, my sensitivity, all the things that make me special to him & our kids.
I needed non sexual physical affection. Hugs, holding hands, touching. No groping, copping a feel, squeezing my butt, brushing against my boob, none of that. Nothing sexual. Just physical affection.
How's that for a start ?
Thank you for the input SC.
For me it is really hard because when I try and get close to her it feels like she does not want me there. I want to hug her or snuggle with her while we watch tv or when we are in bed but she just does not seem open to this.
I do tell her that she looks good in that outfit, or I really like your new shirt but maybe you are right and my compiments are not creative enough. I am just so unsure where the line is between showing concern/affection and pursuing/ not giving her enough space. I don't want to push her away but then I don't want to not give her what she needs.
My biggest problem is I don't know where we stand. I am still concerned that she might be having an A but have no way to prove/ disprove it. I want to ask her about our progress but am not sure how to do this without her getting all defensive.
She is just so damn hard to read. She has been doing some nice things for me but I just don't see any improvment in the affection department. Meaning hugs, snuggling or simply touching me when we talk. I brought this up and she said when I touch her she thinks that all I want is sex.
I think she is still upset with me from all that went down in April, the accusations, the phone calls to OM, the snooping and the constant talks to reassure me that it was not physical. I keep it all inside now but the not knowing is killing me.
I am just lost and confussed and I feel like I am going to just explode which will lead to a R talk which will lead to me asking about OM. I am so glad I am at work because I am getting close to doing that and I am afraid that it will distroy all the positives that have happened in the last two months. But something inside of me just wants to know.
I took a step back yeaterday. One thing is that we are not in MC because she does not believe in it so I get no feed back unless I ask.
She went shopping at lunch yesterday and I asked what she bought. She said I am not telling you because you don't tell me what you get when you go to the mall. I asked if she had a problem with me going and she said no but it does seem strange that you are always there and I wonder why.
I said there are things I wonder about too but I am only going there to look around. She asked what things I wondered about.
Knew I should not go there but tired of guessing so I asked how she thought things were going between us because I get no feed back from her. She said things are OK. Thats a great answer.
I asked if there were things I do that she does not like and if there were to tell me. She said that she would. I told her I was just looking for the boundries because I can never tell when she wants me near her. She said I'm not sure what they are either but when I feel like being close to you I snuggle and when I don't I don't.
She also told me that I concentrate on things too much. The way I take this is that I am overthinking everything, watching what I say and do all the time. Trying not to screw up and upset her. This must be the whole detaching thing but again it is like walking a tight rope, you pay too much attention and then the next time its you don't.
I just wish I knew the rules and the right thing to do. We are both so damn confussed and its frustrating as hell.
I left it there. We ate dinner and then when to the store to get some stuff for my sons scout camp and things we needed around the house. We sat outside when we got home and talked and then watched a little tv till I went to bed.
I know R talks are off limits but how can you know where you stand unless you ask.
Was it the smartest thing I have done, no but I now know that I need to stop over analizing everting and she wants me to be happy because of the email earler in the week. Just ned to concentrate on that stuff and prepare myself for our anniversary on Sunday.
Was it the smartest thing I have done, no but I now know that I need to stop over analizing everting and she wants me to be happy because of the email earler in the week. Just ned to concentrate on that stuff and prepare myself for our anniversary on Sunday.
personally I think you did great.
ALSO- I think you may have found the secret to your sitch.
Question is-are you a smart enough DAM just to impliment and do what she pretty much hinted that you needed to do to win her back??
I want a "WOW, d*mn woman, you look amazing". At least four times a year. I also want to hear compliments about my character, my integrity, my tenderness, my sensitivity, all the things that make me special to him & our kids.