You know I have been sitting here thinking a lot about my life my relationship with my H and I realized I stay with him and I forgive because I love him. Plain and simple I love him. I remember praying to God that I wouldnt love him so much, that I wouldnt have to hurt so much cause he was gone. I never could see my way thru. Sex? Sex is what tore us apart.. I was lost inside my pain and inside myself and I never , ever saw his pain. To temper his pain he would have affairs and hurt me and I would stay.... the last time was the last time for me. I could not take it anymore... and I told him so....
When we reconciled I told him if you ever do this again I cannot get thru it again, I simply wont have the strength. I just wont. So it will be your last.... I will not take you back. and now that it seems I have the Marriage I always dreamed of,, and the Man I was patiently waiting for I am terrified. Will I get to enjoy this "bliss" for the rest of my days or not? I want to grow old with my Husband and I want to make him the happiest Man alive. I also want him to make me Happy... and not in the sense that I alone can create Happiness for him but be by his side and help his world seem a lot brigther b/c I am in it. I have worked so hard for this and once again it scares me that this can be so good. I honestly have not felt this comfortable as long as I can remember.
My face is burning from the tears streaming down it.
How amazing to get thru the maze, to get the puzzle and to then work on it and finally see what it may turn into.
I am blessed and even though thtere are things I am still afraid of this is much better than before.
I am afraid to keep moving forward. I want to stand still and feel this on my face and soak it in and maybe just maybe, if I move too much it will end. I need to work on knowing this is it and it is going to be ok. MY H is transforming before my very eyes..
Is it really all b/c he feels well fed and he isnt starving anymore... I may ask him this but not yet.... for now I wil keep giving selflessly and taking it all in . Keep growing as a Woman and keep loving him unconditionally.
The Moment I let go and loved him from the best place in me is the moment the ball started moving and this started to change. I just know it.I am still working on me and working on knowing I am worth it and he LOVES me he really does.
For all you men out there with ~LD Wives. She really underneath it all loves you it is just hard to get out from under all the stuff... keep searching for her. And you will find her by loving her from that pure place in your heart... not from the place that resents her for not giving you sex.
There can be so many things that make her feel like her " sex" isnt special at all , if she only knew the gift it was she would surely try to share. You want her to give the best of her are you really deep down really giving the best of you?
All you can do is be the best you and then if it is meant to be everything else will fall into place. It takes alot of falling flat on your face and getting real humble but it can be done. Take action, find solutions and love from the best place in you .... the results are truly amazing. Take care and God bless....
Thanks Ladies, that really means alot... So I am sitting here by myself. H, Boys nite out. Scary part is I am ok with it and at the same time like I said previously, I am scared. Yesterday he went out too and I was ok with it and then when he got home ... at 2 am. I felt a tinge of anger, I felt like maybe he would just suddenly turn into old him..?
I dunno it is weird...!
I keep having flashbacks of the old him and feel like this new him is a lie, even though I know in my heart these changes are becoming very real.... It doesnt make sense and then it does....
Today he was fabulous too.... he is alot more respectful and kind and trying real hard to please me.... and be a MAN!
Last nite he was even pretending to be frisky with me and I was sort of ugly. I said yeah sure like you are really going to do that... and he just frowned.
I dunno why I am getting like that?
Just one year ago he was so different... really very incosiderate.. and now that he is really being the Man I want I find myself pushing the envelope/freaking out/testing him.... maybe I can refer to it like that? CRAZY?
I am braver with him and he doesnt stay mad for long which is great.
I am able to say things that for years I held in.
Today for instance he said " when we lived in Florida I let her buy whatever she wanted and I was really good to her.."
I wondered when the F*** he did that.. he was always yelling and controlling and partying..... I never shopped at the mall?
So I see how in his mind he felt I was so wrong.. here he thought he was giving me the world and I felt he was controlling and mean... UUGGH~!
I wanted it to be the way it is now.... not big gifts every now and then .. just small gestures of real love every single day.
I wanted him to make love to me , to show me that I was evrything to him. I wanted him to hold my hand and feel the love he had for me. I wanted him to touch my back not cause he wanted to get off but b/c he just wanted to say hey I love you.... I wanted him to say .. I love you and really and truly mean it. Not just be words you say at the end of a phone call. I wanted him to take me out and have fun with me all by ourselves and now we do that and we even talk the whole time.... things are so different....
I was also really proud of myself cause we talked on the phone 2 days ago and he was yelling and screaming about how he needs my help and he is stressed etc etc etc... and I normally would absorb it and cry alot.
Instead I let him rant and rave * ( a few tears did roll down my face) and calmy said ok and then took a deep breath and let it go. Called him back when I did what he asked and said see its done it took me 5 minutes and you got all upset, it is ok to feel but you take it too far sometimes.
PHEEW~! I feel better and I am ging to take your advice DQ and NTE... so last nite no Initiating by me and we'll see what he does tonite when he returns. But then I will most likely give him breakfast in bed Sunday morning! * wink * wink* ~ you are right NTE, if I can give him that then when evrything else seems wrong he has me there to hold him and be his Woman.... The beauty and power of being a good Wife... there is no greater gift to a Man than that. Well maybe a Ferrari?
I do like to be taken by him and devoured like an Eclair... I have learned the art of taking him again like I used to and he knows how to take me he is just in stress mode right now but I miss it and I hope he steps up soon.....
Thanks for listening and thanks for your support everyone... To me it is still amazing to see his growth and heck mine too for that matter. life is too short...
and the best thing you can do is give the best of you in the moment you are in ..... it really works. God bless... ~Ali
The Moment I let go and loved him from the best place in me is the moment the ball started moving and this started to change. I just know it. I am still working on me and working on knowing I am worth it and he LOVES me he really does.
For all you men out there with ~LD Wives. She really underneath it all loves you it is just hard to get out from under all the stuff... keep searching for her. And you will find her by loving her from that pure place in your heart... not from the place that resents her for not giving you sex.
There can be so many things that make her feel like her " sex" isnt special at all , if she only knew the gift it was she would surely try to share. You want her to give the best of her are you really deep down really giving the best of you?
All you can do is be the best you and then if it is meant to be everything else will fall into place. It takes alot of falling flat on your face and getting real humble but it can be done. Take action, find solutions and love from the best place in you .... the results are truly amazing.
Ali, reading your posts have made me realize that all these years that I blamed my wife, it was me that was to blame. At the time in our life when she needed me most (after the birth of our child) I turned away from her. Instead of being the best father and husband I could be, I turned into the worst jaskass possible. Yes I stayed, but my approach to the marriage became half-assed and I let her down.
I'm am really searhing to find the best in me to give to her now, it seems to be working too. I hope that by my example she will find the best in her as well. I am hoping that someday, maybe we can get to the point where you are now too.
I am absolutely thrilled that you can see it from your Wifes point of view ! I hope you can find peace and happiness for you both also. And yes believe it or not by example and by communicating and most of all by true change and action anything is possible. All my best to you , I am a little busy today but I will stop by your thread soon. Take care and be good to her , ~Ali
Ali, I'm just coming in now and have read only your last few posts and I'm thinking - why haven't I found you before?
I think we are at somewhat similar places in a very LONG journey (at least, I hope so - you're a bit further ahead). Thank you for your eloquent posts about giving from the best part of yourself. I've had many similar thoughts.
It's amazing that your words have touched someone as they have Cinco. Making a difference in even one life is what we're here for, in my opinion, and I'm sure you've made a difference to many more people as well.
Thank you IMT... Your kind words touched my heart really. And yes I was also happy to read that they helped him. I am very honest and raw about my life, feelings and emotions here. I always felt it wouldnt help me to sugarcoat my Journey. How could I get real advice or change? I have to get to work but I will check on you later... Take care and God bless.. ~Ali
I am feeling frustrated... my H is so stressed w/ work he pretty much wants me to quit my job. I work part time at a Spa.
No biggie really.. I guess. But instead of yelling couldnt he just say hey hon I need you and we talked about this.
Well last time ..........now that I posting............ he did say it like that ... we have talked about this. uugghh!~ I am going to quit... I just wonder will he see that as me being supportive wife ? Or will he see it as I am easily controlled?
Talking out loud..... he was in a funk and really tird and grouchy today over the phone, he misunderstood me and then was trying to get a hold of me while I was at work. YUCK! Anyway so that is my dilema... I do love my job.. I work at a Spa... but yeah I do love being his wife more.. but it felt so good to talk to adults more and make my own money.... yuck , yuck , yuck....... I felt invigorated when I got home ( occasionally exhausted too) cause I wasnt so dependent on him anymore.. ~Ali
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