We are on a Flat Spiral (?)

[Bagheera]

NTE - Well it would appear you are headed for the basement. I don't think that is a good move.

This is one of those instances where I will respectfully disagree with you, DanceQueen. Such a separation, even an in-house one, can give them each a much needed break from the old in-bedroom conflicts and bad habits of interaction. It could do them some good.

Near needs some time to rediscover himself as a strong, confident man. He needs to regain a sense of independence and rebuild his self-esteem. Constant exposure to a woman who shows him little beyond contempt and disgust is very damaging, and I think some isolation from that will do him some good.

Near's wife needs to realize that there is a price to be paid for constantly 'heaping' all of the ills in their marriage onto his shoulders and taking no responsibility for herself. She needs to see that he DOES have a limit to the amount of contempt and scapegoating that he'll tolerate. As long as he continues to hang on in their bedroom, hoping for whatever dregs of affection she offers him, she has no incentive to change herself. As long as she knows that he's so worried about what the children, or their family, or their friends will think that he'd rather continue the facade of a good relationship than take specific steps to reassert himself, then she's got him. She doesn't have to change a thing.

But if Near is willing to draw a line, to tell her that he's no longer willing to live a facade, that he's no longer willing to be her scapegoat, and that SHE needs to take some responsibility for their relationship too, then this in-house separation could be a good thing for both of them. However, I'm not suggesting that Near say this today (or tomorrow even), since it's pretty obviously it would just create yet another verbal battle. For the moment, it's enough that he's gently regaining some of his independence via a quiet move downstairs. The talks can come later when they've both cooled off a bit.

In other words, I see this in-house separation as a true reflection of where their relationship is at the moment, and a dropping of the "happily married" facade. It's an honest place to start rebuilding from.

My thoughts are with you Near; I know it's not fun right now, but keep working to make some lemonade from those lemons you've been handed.

Bagheera