Thanks Sage, LL, and Lee.

Quoting Sage:
I chuckled when I got to the end of your post.
I thought you'd like that. And yes, we know each other here very well in many ways.

Quoting Sage:
btw, I was thinking of you (and what you're going thru) this morning driving into work and did want to say that it makes perfect sense to me that w's recent disclosure would bring you emotionally (and hurtwise) back to the initial "finding out about the a" feelings...
Thanks, Sage. It's pretty difficult because as far as my W is concerned, it's little more than what she's already confessed, so I'm not sure that she sees it the way I do. Although, on second thought, given what she's said, she may have an idea and just doesn't want to "go there." Had another 3 AM bout this morning of being awake and upset. Didn't want to wake my W, so I just tried to deal on my own.

Quoting LL:
you are the only one who can answer these questions...the fact that you come up with such specific ideas should tell you something...my guess would be it is not so much the are you as the why are you doing these things.

my guess again...protection.
Quoting Sage:
What are you GETTING out of it?

Why hold onto your pain?
Perhaps I can address both of what you ladies have mentioned/questioned. Frankly, I'm not absolutely sure what it is. I do think, as LL Villa pointed out, that I am holding on to some of this stuff for protection. To let go is to assume all is well and there's no concern for further indiscretions. Not sure I can do this yet, as I can't REALLY trust my W yet. I forgive her, but I don't really trust her. Additionally, I think it's because it's simply what I know. I've been conditioned all of my life to feel crappy. Why should that change now? This is something that I need to overcome no matter what, really.

Furthermore, I have always considered myself a very moral person...a regular Dudley Do-Right. I met my W when I was 15 and have ALWAYS loved her...always... For her it's been different. So, I'm having to deal with...I suppose...a loss of innocence too, while having to deal with my own moral obligations and her lack of moral obligations. By choice I would never have M'd someone who would do this (not that any of us would have). However, there have been some red flags over the years. I just chose to ignore them.

Darn it, it gets complicated! The more I think about it, the more confused I become.

I also have to wonder about everyone on the BB. Is there some common trait that all of us have that brings us here? Is it neediness, a vigilent co-dependence, fear of change, strength, universal consciousness, a higher purpose? What is it? What is God trying to tell us? I can't help but think there's purpose in all of this...that the pain will lead to enlightenment.

So, now that I really got on a funky tangent. To answer you LL and Sage, I don't really know. Perhaps it's a combination of fear, protection, and being a martyr so I can continue to remind my W about the pain she has caused me. Healthy, huh? Ugh...

jethro