Hi Jethro. Sorry things have been so rotten lately for you. I don't remember which one, but one of my books about affairs stated that most betrayed spouses are hurt more from lies (or omissions) that happen after the affair is discovered. You have every right to feel the same feelings as you did just after you found out what was going on. And yes, it would have been nice if she had told you everything up front so the wound would be deeper, but could heal all together; as opposed to reopening the wound that was created when the affair was discovered and thusly leaving an uglier scar.
However, your goal is still the same, right? You want to save the marriage and have a happy life together. At least this time around you have the support and skills to get past her lies. I am certain you can do it.
As for what holdingon said,
Quote: And by the way, I think you SHOULD beat the crap out of OM.
I don't think this is a very good idea, unless you can do it without being arrested. My altercation with W's OM has cost us over $7000 in lawyer's fees and most likely will be higher before it runs it's course through our judicial system. Makes me want to hurt the guy even more...I would like to get my money's worth, you know?
Anyway, that affairs book (that I cannot remember the exact name) makes the point that the betraying spouse hides things so as not to hurt the betrayed spouse even further. Or, the betrayer is so ashamed that he or she cannot face the anger that the betrayed might feel.
Unfortunately, as you and I know, such actions are counterproductive and painful. I don't know how I would react to Sam not admitting to one affair because it was "only oral" and admitting to the other because she slept with the guy. It wouldn't be pretty. The pain caused by an affair is already too much to bear, and to then pile lies on top of it while you are dbing your a$$ off to rebuild trust...it is almost a deal breaker.
That being said, I strongly believe KAW is right:
Quote: ...but it seems like a prime oppurtunity to prove to her whatever more she is holding onto, in trying to protect you, can be let go because you are strong enough now to not let any of it get in the way of building towards a bright future together. Deliver that message, Jethro, then by doing this, you can make it safe to ask for her to reveal all...
You have come so far and have worked very hard to save your marriage. Don't stop now. Yes, you have the right to be disappointed and even angry, but work through it. Tell her, "This is it. Is there anything else I should know. Tell me now so we can fix it, otherwise I don't feel I can trust you."
