I am so excited for you!!!! Seems like the e-mail was a "home-run". It has obviously got him thinking quite a bit and wanting to sepnd time with you.....he is pursuiting you and respecting your possible insecurities by explaining things to you (ie. the text from Ed).
Just realize, if there was an OW it may take him some while to get over it. Also as you know there is likely to be a series of engaging and pulling back roller coaster rides, but the first one seemed to be pretty mild.
I repsect Dom's advice quite a bit, but I don't think I would bring up the forgiveness or re-iterating this in person. Maybe the e-mail could have been a little better but it had the desired effect (I thought it was great and Dom picked a bad time to go on vacation.....lol). Your H showed you that he was forgiving you through his actions (seeking to spend time with you....booty and family time). I think saying it again will only make you seem a little desparate. The important thing is that you have talked the talk.....now continue to walk the walk.....consistentcy is key. I would be surprised if your H expected anything more.....he knows you well enough to know about your pride and what it took to write that down.....he loves you, I doubt he is going to force the issue.
Hope yuor sitch continues to improve....I was hoping to see somethign positive following the weekend and I did
TwinDad Me 39, W 36, M 11 W - MLC, WAW???? 2 Kids B/G 3 YRS Old Start of the Long and Bumpy Road..... On the verge of piecing.....a new beginning
It's not the end in the least! It's just a station along the way. We don't even know where the road is leading.
Look, lately you've been worrying about every single interaction with her, every word. If she leave, you will have less of that. That will give you more time to really focus on you. Not because she'll see it, but because it's what you need. That's why I say it isn't all bad.
Her not living there could well be a step that has to be taken for things to get better. Whatever you do, don't beg, etc., to try to stop her. If she says she is going, accept it as gracefully as you can!
Do you think i should suggest she find a place and i can help her? Financially it's not too viable, or just see what time will bring?
I'm doing OK. UPDATE: OK, so that night while he went out to get a movie, he texts OW (I snooped on his phone later). She just said she was at work and busy, couldn't talk. WHY does he spent ALL DAY with me, have all kinds of sex, then gets alone for a minute, and texts HER!
So, that night, we get into bed and he goes straight into talking about D. How much it will cost, I'll have to get a full time job, what we can get for our house, etc... So, I replied, "this is what you want?" And he said, "I have no choice." SO, WHAT is this weekend about? We talked some, a lot, and hugged and I told him I love him, and he said, "I've always loved you. I just want you to trust me. I want to take care of you, and I want you to take care of me. Quit fighting me every step of the way." It was a good talk, and I felt like we were working on things.
The next day, we went to the picnic for his work, ran some errands, even bought a dresser. THEN, he starts in on this is probably a mistake spending time with you, I still think we need to divorce, etc... It's like a switch goes off in his head that things are moving forward, and it's not good. I don't get it.
So, I give him space... He calls me today to tell me that he's going to look at getting us new phones, and switching phone services. He ends the convo with "I love you."
I'm confused, but I think even better than that is that HE'S confused.
Oh, and TwinDad, he'll SO force the issue if he doens't SEE in action what I wrote in the email. BTW, he's NEVER mentioned the email to me.
Me 36 Husband 35 D5 S2 separated: 10/29/07-present Served divorce papers 1/22/09 "When the world gives out beneath your feet, it is time to learn how to fly."
he said, "I've always loved you. I just want you to trust me. I want to take care of you, and I want you to take care of me. Quit fighting me every step of the way."
....
Oh, and TwinDad, he'll SO force the issue if he doens't SEE in action what I wrote in the email.
As well as you potentially looking at [how to show him action to match what you wrote in the email]... how about also setting goals for yourself, in looking for:
1. One way that you can "take care of him" and then do it.
2. One way that he can "take care of YOU". And then gently ask him to (requesting, not demanding), and then dont argue/complain about how he does it, but only show appreciation to him for it.
Betcha that would be a 180 that would get his attention
My current status: june 2006. Wife ran out and filed D. Finalized Jan 11, 2010, after 12.5 years M. 3 wonderful sons caught in the middle
For him, his love language is Act of Service (lots and lots of acts of service ) He has told me that he feels loved when the house is clean, dinner is cooked, etc.... It makes him feel "taken care of." So, those are the ways I can take care of him.
For me, I'd like him to take care of me by mowing the lawn! His version of taking care of me (mentioned several times) is by moving to TN so I don't have to work. I'd like for him to spend some time with the kids without me. It would give me a much needed guilt-free break.
On a side note, at the police officers picnic, they were raffling off a bunch of things. H bought 25 tickets so I helped him fill them out. While I was filling them out I said, "You realize that if you get one of these restaurant gift certs you have to take me." He replied "Yea right." Anyways he won a restaurant gift cert to a new upscale place in town. He gave it to me and said, "hang on to this." I thought that was nice. Our anniversary is next week and I'm thinking we could use that?
He also asked what the plans are for 4th of July.
Should I mention our anniversary? Should I wait to see if he mentions it? It's not really a HAPPY anniversary after all...
Me 36 Husband 35 D5 S2 separated: 10/29/07-present Served divorce papers 1/22/09 "When the world gives out beneath your feet, it is time to learn how to fly."
He is undecided at this point. But that is better than where he was. You should talk to Yoyowife about her experience with her husband as it sounds very similar to yours. Lots of similarities, especially the fixation on the house being super clean. (Her husband still has not let go of that one.) But her husband stayed ambivalent for about a year, going back and forth. In between his visits she went dark every time and waited for him to come back. Slowly he came back more and more. Of course, her husband's divorce case was thrown out of court, because in Arkansas you need grounds for divorce. And apparently a messy house is not grounds. So the only one who could file for divorce was Yoyo. Apparently infidelity and abandonment are grounds. Where's the justice?
For him, his love language is Act of Service (lots and lots of acts of service ) He has told me that he feels loved when the house is clean, dinner is cooked, etc.... It makes him feel "taken care of." So, those are the ways I can take care of him.
For me, I'd like him to take care of me by mowing the lawn!
Sounds like a nice trade would be "Hey H, could you come over and cut the grass.....I'll make you some xyz (one of his favorite meals) for dinner/lunch"
Ladybug,
Sounds like things are going much better for you. I think his confused reactions are normal. The good is that he seems to be spending more and more time with you. I always take it as a good sign when I see some of my friends not posting as much!
As far as the OW goes, I think you have to ride it out. I don't feel you are in a position to demand it stops....he has to choose, which it sounds like he is starting to by spending more time with you. The more time he spends with you the more jealous and clingy the OW is likely to get and the more this will push him towards you.
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OK, so that night while he went out to get a movie, he texts OW (I snooped on his phone later). She just said she was at work and busy, couldn't talk. WHY does he spent ALL DAY with me, have all kinds of sex, then gets alone for a minute, and texts HER!
I know how you feel, We went on a family vacation to TN and were having good sex, etc, and later I find out she was texting OM.....I felt so insulted and disappointed. The good news is on our last vacation none of the texting happened
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He also asked what the plans are for 4th of July.
This is great, plan something fun for your family!
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Should I mention our anniversary? Should I wait to see if he mentions it? It's not really a HAPPY anniversary after all...
I don' think there is no good answer here. In my sitch our anniversary fell a few days before our planned sep date following the sale of our home so we were heavy into the moving process. I made reservations at a nice restaurant and mentioned them to W. She said she didn't want to celebrate our marriage. I just responded and said, "we are married, we are going to do something, besides who said anything about celebrating, I just figured we could use the break and sit back and relax a bit". At first she balked but we ended up going out and having a decent time.
I don't know what you have typically done in the past for your anniversary, but I think it would be a mistake to ignore it since things seem to be improving quite a bit. Perhaps going out on a date like you recently did to a nicer restaurant and a movie and perhaps a little gift without a mushy card. I think the goal should be to have a good time, without emphasizing the M too much. I don't know if this helps
TwinDad Me 39, W 36, M 11 W - MLC, WAW???? 2 Kids B/G 3 YRS Old Start of the Long and Bumpy Road..... On the verge of piecing.....a new beginning
