I wrote what I did because I worried about much of the samethings that both you and Spitty have been talking about. I was lucky in that I had a wealth of women who went before me and who also felt much of the same. Early on I joined a Divorce Care group. Not only has the original group of both men and women stayed friendly but there is also a group of women who have gone through it and still get together to share. I understand so much more because of them and know that these feelings are very normal.
Not only is our situation different from women who have gone through this who don't have children, but the fact that we do have children to consider piles on a whole other group of concerns. When we have children it's alot harder to let go of the past. Our children are a constant reminder of what was. Besides that, we are constantly worried about them and what the longterm affects will be. Maybe there's even a little guilt that we couldn't have done something in order for them to not have felt the pain. Also,I think we go into overdrive trying to do the job of 2 parents.
Early on I had a guy friend who was also getting divorced and started to come over. We had been friends through both of our marriages so at first I was cool with it and so was my daughter. When he started to show up more frequently my daughter started to become uncomfortable and I could see it in her face and body language. This was her home and she was uncomfortable that once again she would be thrown into changed while still grieving the loss of her family as she knew it. I had to tell him that this was getting to be too much and neither of us were ready for it. The really weird thing was that he hooked up with another of our friends and within a month and a half they slithered off to Vegas to get married (that's a whole other kettle of fish). So now I realized that both of my daughters had seen so much bad behavior from adults that I sat them down and promised them that I would never do anything stupid and I would always be honest with them. They needed to know that they came above all else and that they would always be my first concern. It helped but I have noticed that when guys tend to try to get close my youngest daughter tends to get nervous.
That talk happened 3 years ago. I feel now though that we should be at a point where life does have to go on and she will have to understand that. It's only natural for our kids to be conflicted and not want to share the new family dynamic with someone new. The only fair way to get them used to our moving on is to do it slowly. If your guy cares for you as much as it sounds like he does he'll understand this. If he doesn't, then you didn't lose a thing because the truth is, it would never have made you happy to see your kids put on the back burner for someone else.
Don't get me wrong, I'd never want to know what life was like without my kids, but it makes dating a lot less complicated when you have only yourself to consider. This time around we have baggage and it's precious baggage at that. No one knows how we're going to feel when we find ourselves there.
So listen to your gut. If something makes you uncomfortable tell him and see how he does with that. These feelings don't mean there is anything wrong with you or with him, they just mean you're in different places. If he really cares and wants something more, he'll back off and wait for you to come up to speed. It he can't do that, well I'd rather know that sooner than later.
