Hiya holdingon, I'm sorry to hear about your sitch, but I wanted to chime to give you some hope that it can be turned around. Nov, 2001, my W told me she wanted out of M. When I expressed, I could accept that, she told me about her ongoing EA. At the time, I was able to convince we couldn't throw away nearly 20 years without giving our M a second chance. In Feb, 2002, she told me she slept with OM hoping that I would be convinced then that M was over and it was time to D. She told me she wanted to pursue her feelings for OM, but she still cared for me and wanted to be friends. I used that to my advantage. When she wanted to spend time with me, I made the best of it by being upbeat and fun-loving and as attentive as I could be to her. I intended now to be the other OM and strived to enjoy every moment she wanted to be with me.
So to clarify, while there is nothing you can do about R between H & OW, nor can you do anything to get them to rethink what they are doing ... but you can do something about being the best you can be ... in order to give yourself the best chance to attract him back towards you.
Hey everyone. Thanks for everyone's visits. Seems it's been some time since I posted on my own thread.
My W and I continue to try and find our balance. Yes, the yin and yang of things... Neither one of us really react much anymore (not that we don't ever get a little pissy). We listen, then respond respectfully...each keeping more of an open mind. Interesting dynamic change. In the many years since I've known my W, we've never had such communication. What an interesting transition...
So, last night my W went out with Divorcee friend. They went to do Karaoke, and guess what, they ran into OM. So, laying in bed around 1:30 AM (after she gets home) my W tells me this wonderful news. I asked if she talked to him and she said she only said hi, sang the song she had previously put in, and then left.
She went on to say that she didn't feel anything when she saw him, that she was glad she saw him because it confirmed how (well) she was feeling these days...and that I should be happy about that...
Well, I have to say I wasn't thrilled that she saw OM. I will, unfortunately, be watching her a bit more closely the next couple of days to see if it had some kind of affect on her. However, I am very happy that she told me, because she wouldn't have done so in the past. I'm also pleased that she respected how I would feel and left the club. Mostly, I'm happy that she didn't really feel anything when she saw him (not that I totally believe it, but whatever...).
So, things continue to continue. It hasn't been easy at times. Still many reminders of her infidelity. Sometimes I tell her I'm feeling crummy and sometimes not. It's hard for both of us, but we're working through it...
glad to hear things continue to continue...great that w was open and honest with you about bumping into om...you know what...I'd believe her about not having "felt" anything upon seeing him...if she did "feel" what you think she "felt" then I think she'd be a tad more reluctant to share with you her being glad she bumped into him for that reason.
sheesh it's too hot..that sounded very tangled but I think you know what I'm trying to say.
I think it is great that you can both talk and resolve anything that might get sticky..and she did tell you about seeing OM...she could have not said anything..I am sure it takes alot of time to work all these bad feelings out..but you are doing so good.
Well, guys, I'm reeling a bit right now. I keep finding out about other crap about my W's A. It's getting to be a bit much.
So, what I never shared with you guys was the fact that when my W finally confessed, she told me that she did everything with OM except have intercourse. Now, I pressed her on this a couple of times afterwards because it's a bit hard to believe, but I kind of ended up believing it... Well, as what happens with me, I tend to think about something, lock on it real hard, think of all the angles, then form a hypothesis. Yes, it's a curse sometimes...
So, on the way home in the car yesterday I really began to think about this particular subject, and given different things she's said in the past, I came up with a variety of reasons why what she was telling me wasn't true.
She could tell I was distant when I got home, but I didn't address it yet because I wanted to think about it more. This morning at work I wrote her a long e-mail explaining why I didn't think she was telling me the truth. Yup...I got my response back...and naturally my assumptions were correct. Her e-mail was nice and thoughtful, but I'm SOOOOO sick of these lies. Had she told me to begin with, I know I would have been able to handle this better...handle it all at once. To have someone admit and confess, tell you they've told you everything, yet continue to lie sucks. Yeah, many of you have experienced this too...
Although admittedly I had blinders on for a while, thinking that perhaps it wasn't a full-fledged deal, it really was...with all of the toppings that go along with it. In a way, I'm not surprised, but I am at the same time. I feel awful. Remember, this is all via e-mail because I have a roommate in my office. I just wrote back telling her that I needed some time to think...that I'd come home, get the kids and bail and do something with them. I feel like I need some kid-time and I don't want to talk to her about it now.
I don't feel like being nice. I don't feel like being understanding. I feel like beating the crap out of OM.
If I posted her e-mail you guys would say, "now now Jethro, she's home and committed and blah...blah...blah..." I don't want to hear that guys...I just don't...
I hear ya, I'd feel the same way and do in my sitch. But still, the BOTTOM LINE is that she is home and supposively committed. Many of us here would stick our pride in our back pocket and make that trade with you.
Time heals alot of ills Jethro, work on the forgiveness aspect as best you can, and give her a chance to make amends. If it works out, a year from now you'll hopefully look back and see the silver lining in it afterall.
Quote: Her e-mail was nice and thoughtful, but I'm SOOOOO sick of these lies. Had she told me to begin with, I know I would have been able to handle this better...handle it all at once.
This has been my dilema...to tell or not to tell H that A was actually a PA...I'm sure your W was trying to protect you...didn't want you to be more hurt. And-she's probably embarrassed or ashamed about it and admitting it just makes it real. If you can forgive her knowing about the other stuff you can forgive her for knowing this. Here's something I read the other day- Forgiveness is a gift you give yourself. You forgive but you don't forget. You don't want to forget becausue you want to learn from your mistakes. Forgiving doesn't mean condoning what happened. It doesn't mean that it was OK...it just means that you have chosen to forgive and want to move forward. And last but not least- here is something I came across the other day for everyone who says- "I would NEVER do that" or "I'm not the one who cheated"- An undetected weakness coupled with an unexpected opportunity- you could do anything as evil or as wicked as anyone else has ever done. And last but not least...when you let your heart drift from God you are never sure what you are capable of doing. I guess what I'm trying to say is don't be too hard on her...it coulda been you...please forgive her- she is there and she is trying!
Sandra
Never argue with idiots, they bring you down to their level and beat you with experience...
You thought all along that it was a PA, right? Otherwise you wouldn't have obsessed about it. I am sure she told you it wasn't hoping to lessen the guilt she felt and lessen the reaction from you. I am sure she did not want you thinking about it every time you and W are intimate.
Do you want your W and R back if she had the PA? Was this a deal breaker when you were DBing like crazy? Or did you think, I will forgive her, regardless. I think we both know the answer.
The truth is, you are working toward unconditionally loving your W. Like you love your kids. This is just one more challenge in getting there. It IS time to do a gratitude check...
And by the way, I think you SHOULD beat the crap out of OM. Sure wish my H's OW's H would beat the crap out of my H... but NO-O-O, he filed for D instead.
Relax. Appreciate. Be calm. Laugh. Enjoy. Be secure. Be loving. Be loved. Don't personalize. Don't ASSume. Accept. Be grateful.
happy for you and your w!!