Yesterday was a good day--cleaned out my other art room with S and a friend, got a ton done. Then we went home, stopped at a local store. I met up with an old friend who we had vacationed together with back in 05....she is still in shock with what has happened with my marriage, was going on and on with how much things looked so good with us, what a great guy x seemed to be...
Put me right into a tailspin. Just grief, and the finality of the divorce, and it all came crashing on me at once. The kids had gone to dinner with him (I let them go on the off night, with hopes of continued flexibility in the future--both kids wanted to see him, even though it was shorter than normal because of some activities they had planned). I had a hard, long cry. The kind when you loose the strength in your arms and legs. Had a bit of not wanting to be alive (this is different from suicidal thoughts, btw). The acceptance of not being able to change things to how I would have them. That this is my life. I thought about my mother, who even while alcoholic, depressed and a physical mess, still managed to "keep her husband." How I had lost mine. Remembering back to when he said my crying was "not attractive." Had I blown the only chance I had? I was very hard on myself yesterday.... I went to DBT therapy, and we talked about self-soothing and stress tolerance. Good topic, and I was emotionally spent by then, so able to at least attend the lesson in a non-aroused state.
I was better today, more together. Spent lots of time with the kids on my first day off. The gf's little girl came over for a bit today after calling my D three times (they had been away with their dad while x and gf were at the biker rally).
The biggest news: my son knows the truth. He had told me that x said "mom thinks the divorce was because CW and I are best friends, but that's not what happened." S wanted to know, and didn't want to know at the same time. I hope I did the right thing...he didn't know what or who to believe. I told him that I would always tell him the truth. I said that dad had been unhappy in the marriage for a long time, that he felt I wasn't paying attention to him or treating him as important. I was very busy, and didn't realize that there was something wrong, that he was unhappy. While he was sad, he got to talk to CW more, and he fell in love with her. I had hoped that things would work out between us, but dad has made his choice and wants to be with her. But I told him that I played a part in this, too--it wasn't just one person's fault. He still loves you and your sister very, very much, and will always love both of you. He is just trying to find a way to be happy. I want you to keep loving your dad as much as you ever did. And she is going to be part of his life, now, so you have to be respectful of that. At some point, he started to cry hard and said if I ever went away, he didn't know what he would do--I looked him right in the eye and said I'm not going anywhere. Then he asked if that was why dad was looking for a bigger place--she has four kids. I said I really don't know what his plans are.
I am sure that I made a ton of mistakes with this convo. As soon as I could, I put a call into the kids' IC--I am trying to get an appt this week. I tried so hard to be truthful without maligning x. Son asked if this was why the grandparents were so angry with x...I said that it is part of it, but it is between them. NONE of this has anything to do with either of you kids. He said he knew, and that he knew I tried really hard. I told him I had hoped that he never had to learn about this, but that this is the way it is.
Tonight, he said that he wasn't going to bring this up with his father. Maybe it is a relief to finally know the truth, but he doesn't want to think about it, because he still wants to be able to have a relationship with him, and love him.
God, I hope I did the right thing. That I didn't cause more damage. I just kept apologizing to S, and he kept saying that it was ok, that I shouldn't be the one being sorry. He is only a month shy of being 13....but I can't make his father be a better man than he is, no matter how much I had longed and hoped for that.
That phone call from 5/07 sits in the back of my head: "You turned my mother against me. If you do that to my kids, I will f*cking kill you, I swear to god."
