Donna, I was thinking. I wouldn't email your ex to explain anything. You just do it. he needs no explanation. You set the boundaries for your life and that is it.
Wow, I am BEAT! In a good way, though. Work kicked my butt today--had some double classes (50 2nd graders in one room!), mad scramble by the procrastinators to finish some art, final paperwork, cleaning the room, random parents wandering in to "give some love" to their kids without so much as an introduction or excuse me...but all good stuff, overall. After climbing into and out of my kiln all day (hey, it worked and the clay didn't explode!!!), my D and I were bushed. She was so cute--even taught my 1st grade class, from reading them a story to going up to the front of the class to do large-group instruction, then going table to table for one-to-one help!! She is really coming out of her shell-I would never expect her to do anything like that when she started kindergarten (shy due to a speech delay). And she is only 9 !
Afterwards, home to wash the papier mache off of myself (it splashed all over me), then get ready for the party. S stayed home today, and I came home to such a nice surprise--he had emptied the DW and refilled it, ran it, washed the pots, swept the deck and mowed the back yard!!! I have great kids.
D's Brownie fly-up ceremony was tonight, and I think it went great. It is so good to be around these people, and the kids were just so appreciative. There ceremony was adorable, at my friends house, with a little decorative lawn bridge and all. Lots of photos, the girls singing, getting their badges and pins. Then they all jumped into the pool. Had pizza and too many desserts. A great night. I am glad that we were rained out yesterday, as x was already at his biker rally and couldn't go. I'll burn a CD. D said she would have liked for him to be there, but knew that he was away (hope that doesn't become as frequent as I fear in the future, but I welcomed it tonight).
I really am beginning to feel like my old, confident self. Hopefully the worst of the nightmare is behind me.
****** Just remembered a strange dream last night (or maybe 2 that ran into each other). In one, my father (who passed away before I had kids) was being wooed by x's GF. He was mortified that anyone would even suggest having an affair to him.
The next was me and x looking for new houses for our family--found something out of this world with all kinds of amenities, built brand new, and at an unbelievable price because of the economy. I was so excited that I was almost hyperventilating with the real estate agent. It felt too good to be true... and then evil spirits started coming up out of the walls...demonic, rabid animals.
The kids and I worked our hineys off again. It was the last day of school for the students, so we got the last remnants of artwork out to them. The 5th grade students were graduating, and they all looked so grown-up! Many came to give me hugs and ask me to sign their yearbook.
I bumped into the asst superintendent at the ceremony, and he asked if I had any plans to travel for the summer. Umm, not sure if personnel spoke with you yet, but I was hoping that your office could help me--only got about 600 for my summer check. He knew about my sitch, hadn't heard anything yet (urgh), but wanted to help, told me to get in touch with the union president to get the ball rolling. I emailed everybody that might be able to do something, and will have to see what happens.
After all the students left, the three of us threw away a TON of stuff. I wasn't working at the end of last school year, so junk had accumulated. Rearranged, organized, scrubbed...it is just about ready to start nice and clean for the new year. Now, Monday I have to do the other room I teach in.
Later, I had the women's spirituality book club, and we were looking at Dorcas. The topic was in giving from the heart, rather than for other motives. Reminded me of how x is--his need to be viewed as superman, how things look. Doing things while resenting it, feeling superior to cover low self-esteem. I remember being surprised at the realization; it just never occurred to me--when I do things for others, its because it is just right. I have other issues of my own to focus on, but this also reminded me to continue service, and maybe do more small gestures that I appreciate so much when I receive them.
I've had so many people come up to me and say that I seem so much more like myself...I'm feeling it, too.
Took the kids out to ice cream after as a thank you, and will be off to the movies in a while. Life is good!!
Later, I had the women's spirituality book club, and we were looking at Dorcas. The topic was in giving from the heart, rather than for other motives. Reminded me of how x is--his need to be viewed as superman, how things look. Doing things while resenting it, feeling superior to cover low self-esteem.
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I remember being surprised at the realization; it just never occurred to me--when I do things for others, its because it is just right.
Donna sadly you are so right. Some people do things purely for selfish reasons and talk thenmselves up because that's all they have. Someone who knows their a good person or an intelligent person doesn't have the need to convince others of their superiority. We should feel sorry for people like this. It must be sad going through life trying to convince others of their worth!
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Took the kids out to ice cream after as a thank you, and will be off to the movies in a while. Life is good!!
You all deserve to be rewarded and to have some fun. Hopefully you'll be getting some good news on the job front soon so that you can enjoy your summer!
hey there, glad to hear you doing so well, you got a great IC btw
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"emotional turmoil," than admit that he was wrong, especially to me
wow, that's one of those statements that have escaped my lips but which describes stbs to a T! it's so easy to say "im confused" rather than "I still want to mess around with ow but it is not to my advantage to leave you yet".
Be not afraid...I will repay you for the years the locusts have eaten Joel2
30something 2kids survivor of S, MLC, A, D I have peace in my heart, at last.
Yesterday was a good day--cleaned out my other art room with S and a friend, got a ton done. Then we went home, stopped at a local store. I met up with an old friend who we had vacationed together with back in 05....she is still in shock with what has happened with my marriage, was going on and on with how much things looked so good with us, what a great guy x seemed to be...
Put me right into a tailspin. Just grief, and the finality of the divorce, and it all came crashing on me at once. The kids had gone to dinner with him (I let them go on the off night, with hopes of continued flexibility in the future--both kids wanted to see him, even though it was shorter than normal because of some activities they had planned). I had a hard, long cry. The kind when you loose the strength in your arms and legs. Had a bit of not wanting to be alive (this is different from suicidal thoughts, btw). The acceptance of not being able to change things to how I would have them. That this is my life. I thought about my mother, who even while alcoholic, depressed and a physical mess, still managed to "keep her husband." How I had lost mine. Remembering back to when he said my crying was "not attractive." Had I blown the only chance I had? I was very hard on myself yesterday.... I went to DBT therapy, and we talked about self-soothing and stress tolerance. Good topic, and I was emotionally spent by then, so able to at least attend the lesson in a non-aroused state.
I was better today, more together. Spent lots of time with the kids on my first day off. The gf's little girl came over for a bit today after calling my D three times (they had been away with their dad while x and gf were at the biker rally).
The biggest news: my son knows the truth. He had told me that x said "mom thinks the divorce was because CW and I are best friends, but that's not what happened." S wanted to know, and didn't want to know at the same time. I hope I did the right thing...he didn't know what or who to believe. I told him that I would always tell him the truth. I said that dad had been unhappy in the marriage for a long time, that he felt I wasn't paying attention to him or treating him as important. I was very busy, and didn't realize that there was something wrong, that he was unhappy. While he was sad, he got to talk to CW more, and he fell in love with her. I had hoped that things would work out between us, but dad has made his choice and wants to be with her. But I told him that I played a part in this, too--it wasn't just one person's fault. He still loves you and your sister very, very much, and will always love both of you. He is just trying to find a way to be happy. I want you to keep loving your dad as much as you ever did. And she is going to be part of his life, now, so you have to be respectful of that. At some point, he started to cry hard and said if I ever went away, he didn't know what he would do--I looked him right in the eye and said I'm not going anywhere. Then he asked if that was why dad was looking for a bigger place--she has four kids. I said I really don't know what his plans are.
I am sure that I made a ton of mistakes with this convo. As soon as I could, I put a call into the kids' IC--I am trying to get an appt this week. I tried so hard to be truthful without maligning x. Son asked if this was why the grandparents were so angry with x...I said that it is part of it, but it is between them. NONE of this has anything to do with either of you kids. He said he knew, and that he knew I tried really hard. I told him I had hoped that he never had to learn about this, but that this is the way it is.
Tonight, he said that he wasn't going to bring this up with his father. Maybe it is a relief to finally know the truth, but he doesn't want to think about it, because he still wants to be able to have a relationship with him, and love him.
God, I hope I did the right thing. That I didn't cause more damage. I just kept apologizing to S, and he kept saying that it was ok, that I shouldn't be the one being sorry. He is only a month shy of being 13....but I can't make his father be a better man than he is, no matter how much I had longed and hoped for that.
That phone call from 5/07 sits in the back of my head: "You turned my mother against me. If you do that to my kids, I will f*cking kill you, I swear to god."
At some point the time might come when my kids will ask to know what really happened, and I'm not going to lie either, your son is almost a teenager, and you told it in a compassionate way without blaming nor anger, that's very important, i'm glad you did it that way. They might need to know, kids, even our MC during the blowup told stbx "the kids one day will ask, and you will come out as the bastard" and sbtx agreed!
As far as falling apart and sobbing your heart out, it will happen, well after we have graciously accepted what it is is, after we waved our M good bye. And it is ok, I make sure I call one of my girlfriends and sob and then feel much better... and you know what? the instances when i feel like sobbing hard have dimished, so far it has been 2-3 times, last time was 1.5 months ago. Last week a song that came on my zumba class made me want to run out and cry, but the urge left. It will get better hon, this whole thing is too recent))))
As far as the looney phone call, push it back in the farthest corner of your mind, now and then stbx would spew out venom too, don't let him have any power over you, you know you wouldnt' put anyone against him out of spite, specially the children.
I'm glad you have an IC for your son to talk to, prayers your way Donna))))
Be not afraid...I will repay you for the years the locusts have eaten Joel2
30something 2kids survivor of S, MLC, A, D I have peace in my heart, at last.
Thanks, cat. I do feel bad for him...spoke with my IC today, and she reminded me that S will be going through some similar shaking-up of what reality is for him, now that he knows the truth. And to not be surprised if he even gets angry at me, for "letting it happen," or not telling him earlier, etc. She is glad that he is seeing his own IC next week.
Speaking of which, I got the earliest appt for next Wed. So I'll just be available to him until then, not push anything. S went to Six Flags today with his church youth group, and I'm glad he had happier things to focus on. He was excited and nervous to go on his first rollercoaster. Both kids are with x now for dinner, so I have some time to catch up with everyone.
I think you did an admirable job of talking with your son. Unfortunately, kids pop up with this stuff when we least expect it so we're not always prepared. He heard the truth, which he'd eventually discover on his own (and that would probably affect his trust of you). And you delivered it compassionately and in a way he could understand, without demonizing your H (which can be hard to do!) All those things are important. Also important is that you stressed that H made a CHOICE. That makes it his responsibility. Which is appropriate.
I think he needs to keep hearing that you're not going anywhere, that you're going to keep things normal and stable. Whatever that "new normal" ends up being--you'll find it--it's important that life is predictable, that the kids know what to expect since the rug's been yanked out from under their lives.
You take great joy in the small things--how wonderful is that?! A lot of moms would be bored to tears and complain about the "fly up" thing, altho they'd be there. But you were REALLY there, you enjoyed it along with your daughter. Same thing with cleaning out your room and going out for ice cream. Great for the kids' self-esteem and security; they see that there will still be joy in their lives even tho dad's not around.
You're a great mom, and a strong woman. Your kids will "rise up and praise you" when they're older!
M60 H52 D20 M14 yrs OW-old gf from 1986 bomb-5/18/08 H filed for D-9/10/08 D final 4/24/09 xH remarried (not OW) 2012
