Karen, with God's help I am managing not to hate my W -- I hate her actions, her sins, but not the person. Of course, to my crazy W, my not reciprocating the hatred back at her would be construed as a "hateful act" in and of itself.
The theory behind this so-called "Nice Guy" syndrome is that by not being forthright and open with others in what is perceived by the "perpetrator" (me) as being discreet and considerate of others feelings, such as when we do not voice our objections to what we disagree with, we are really being "passive aggressive" and dishonest. As a result we build up a lot of resentment that will eventually spill out in more harmful ways.
While some of it might have some bearing in reality, I don't fully agree with this notion. The cynical part of me wonders whether this is just a perversion of the situation to make mean, callous people feel better about themselves by contrast. Thus, being "nice" is really bad.
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I have not given a current update. Sunday morning, W and I had an argument again over the phone, it started over the parenting schedule but devolved into a petty R disagreement. We said some harsh words, mostly W.
She is back to her original difficult self -- and even more so. She is saying she has been too compromising, that even five days is too much for me with the boys, especially S3 ("He's only three.") She says I have proven incapable of being able to get S7 to do all of his homework (nevermind her interference).
She wants me to let the mediator off the hook so she can be her personal lawyer. She says she cannot afford a lawyer and wants our mediator to still be able to produce her version of a separation agreement (SA). I told her I'm not inclined to waive the conflict of interest. Why should I give W a break when she's (re)declared war? I mean I have to start from scratch when comes to finding legal counsel, why not her?
When W then started to turn this into a rehash of her long complaint list against me and our M, I first tried to end the conversation. Once again she wanted to turn this into a chance to aggravate me and pass off all the blame onto my shoulders. I tried to cut her off and ended the call. But she called me back. And then I tried to offer my own counterpoints. But I didn't get much of a chance to rebut since W kept interrupting me.
And then, in the end, she stopped me from responding, saying she needed to get the boys to church (huh?! I wasn't the one who called the other back.) She told me to put it into an email as she was "really interested" in getting my words in writing since I had said many times she continues to misconstrue anything I have ever said in the past and put words in my mouth. (Why? For her lawyer to use against me?)
She is still insisting that I give her the remaining details so she can draft her version of a SA.
In retrospect, I screwed up and allowed her to take the offensive yet again. She automatically assumes she should have the right to make all decisions and to have control over the lives of those around her. And taking the offensive gives her a strong measure of that control she demands.
I've got to stop that. Where the "nice guy" in me would rather acquiesce to her unreasonable demands just to keep the peace in the R, now that W is determined to kill the M, it is time to stop worrying about W's feelings and think more about myself and my S's. Once she manages to get her precious D, I will no longer have any obligation to maintain any compassion for her sensitivities, least of all her megalomaniacal demands for control.
Once she gets her D I won't owe her jack!
In fact, I started to tell her that I am no longer going to defer to her control in matters related to our S's. She still automatically assumes that she alone has our S's best interests in mind for any decision she makes. I am putting my foot down where it comes to these unilateral decisions being made for our S's -- no longer will she be calling all the shots.
