Today I feel like I can not continue with this marriage. I really waffle between my desire to honor my commitments and my need for self preservation.
Girl, I know where you are. I feel the same. I don't waffle but do know where mine is heading. What will be will be.
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Why do I want to work so hard for someone to love me?
We all want what we see true love to be. What we see in movies. I always imagined true love being what you see in a movie..The little old man holding the old ladies hand walking in the park..the old man holding the door open for the little old lady..still kissing and hugging at 90 years old..that's why and what we want. Someone to care about us when no one else does.
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Is there no magic bullet that can extinguish the love for my husband and the disgust for the OW? Is there no pill that can make me apathetic? Why do I care? Why am I fearful?
There is no pill, no magic bullet. You care because you love him. Your fearful of going on alone..I am too. I want someone to love me. I want to grow old with someone.
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I just feel extremely hostile and volatile today. I (lightly) slammed a door (yes, it's possible to lightly slam a door!) this morning at home, pretending it was an accident. I know, I'm emotionally immature, but it made me feel a tiny bit better and allowed me to hold my tongue.
Anger and hostility, I know them well. It's all natural. Better to slam a door than to let it manifest itself on something else.
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In real life, I seem very much my normal self today. I'm so grateful to have this forum to unleash all the ugliness inside of me. I'm determined to take the high road. I'm determined to never allow my emotions to dictate my actions again.
All good things. Taking the high road always keeps you out of the mud..
