I started out on these boards in the "I'm thinking about leaving" catagory but have since left and wanted to start a new thread here. The link to my old thread is:
In a nutshell my husband and I have been married for a little over two years, together for almost 6. We are both very young and my husband has a lot of growing up to do. He decided that he no longer wants to be married because he wants to "live his own life." I did everything I could to keep things together but two days ago I moved out because if I didn't leave he was going to and I could not afford to stay at our place by myself. Now I am back home with my parents while I work on finding a new place to live. He is living in our house but is planning to move in with some friends in the next month (he already gave 30 days notice to our landlord.) It seems like he is pretty serious about the separation but there are a lot of times where I think he is scared.
Anyways it has been two days now with no contact. I miss him and wonder what he is up to. My current approach is to "go dark" and leave him alone and let him have his space. I am working on GAL and trying not to think about him. I just wish he would call. I guess I need encouragment to keep my resolve. Any advice or imput for you guys who either have been there or are in the middle of this crazy "separation life" would be wonderful!
Hi Daisy: Welcome, although I am sorry to see you here for this reason. You will find lots of good advice here, and a lot of do's and don't's...as a matter of fact if you want to see the don't's just read my thread lol I have done them all.
Keep strong. It is a difficult road you are on, but have faith and hope. Never say never, and don't give up until YOU are ready.
That being said, find you. The best way to get through this is to have a lot of strength, and learn to love yourself. Although going dark is very hard, I am beginning to see that in the long run, it can really pay off.
(((Daisy))) We are great believers in LOTS of hugs...
Lola
Im still standin better than I ever did looking like a true survivor feeling like a little kid Im still standin after all this time and Im picking up the pieces of my life without you on my mind..
hey there, stay strong, this is a long ride. If you dont' hear from him in a while a short txt of "how are you" wouldnt' hurt, down down the line you could suggest an outing, depending how he responds to you contacting him.
Be not afraid...I will repay you for the years the locusts have eaten Joel2
30something 2kids survivor of S, MLC, A, D I have peace in my heart, at last.
Well it's been three days now. This no contact thing is going to drive me insane. Over in the other section I have been told to 180 and to go dark once I moved out so that is what I am doing. I need to stop pursuing him so that he can pursue me, that kind of thing. I wish I could just pick up the phone and call or text but I don't think it would help my case.
I know we will have to talk soon because we are still waiting for our kicker check and when he gets it in the mail he is supposed to call me and let me know. So by the end of the month we will have to have at least one conversation, maybe a meeting in person. Who knows.
I know that it is so frustrating, but in my experience going dark has been so much better than chasing which is what your h will view your actions as. Vent here as much as you need. SG said to me that is can take a man 6-8 weeks to start missing you. I know that it seems like a long time but unfortunately it is rare that these things are solved quickly. I have to remind myself of that constantly as I am an impetuous person. It is a really difficult thing to do but in the long run it will be beneficial to you.
It might help to try and view this as a regrouping time. You are taking the time to work on you so that when you do finally meet up you will be stronger.
Well it's been three days now. This no contact thing is going to drive me insane. Over in the other section I have been told to 180 and to go dark once I moved out so that is what I am doing. I need to stop pursuing him so that he can pursue me, that kind of thing. I wish I could just pick up the phone and call or text but I don't think it would help my case.
I know we will have to talk soon because we are still waiting for our kicker check and when he gets it in the mail he is supposed to call me and let me know. So by the end of the month we will have to have at least one conversation, maybe a meeting in person. Who knows.
I just wish I knew what he was up to! Ahh!
Hi Daisy,
Hang in there! DON'T CONTACT HIM! Even if you think of a reason that you "really need to let him know this/ask him this" JUST DON'T!
A great thing to do now is to get involved with a brand new interest or hobby and meet new people, or return to an interest or hobby you used to do a long time ago and now make the time for.
There is a free organization called meetup.com all over the country where you can meetup weekly with an interest group of your choice.
You can try one or more and then return to the one(s) that you are really into.
I am working on this "go dark" thing. He texted today about the money issues and I texted back, all business. I ended the "conversation." It's hard to go dark when there are finances tied together. We have our own accounts but we need to pay our taxes off and also split our refund check if it ever comes!
It's not really talking anyways:
H: If you want deposit 200 in my account Me: I will when I get home H: K Me: TTYL
So besides that I am dark! Keep in mind that is the first/only contact since I moved out five days ago.
I am working on me. I have been working a lot this week which has kept my mind occupied. I am working on losing some weight (gained using depo shot birth control. . .thanks hubby!) I am also working on starting my own business. I am going in on Wednesday to get my lisence and going office supply shopping this weekend to get organized. All things that will make me happier and will be beneficial to getting back together with husband should he ever want to try again.
It's hard to think that it might take 6-8 weeks for him to even start to miss me. Let alone how long it will take for him to want to do things together again. It might be shorter but it might be longer. In a way it is kind of a good thing as it gived me more time to do the things I want to do and work on improving myself.
I did not really miss him today. I haven't cried since the day I moved out. It really hasn't been bugging me as much as I thought it would. I still want to know where he is and what he is doing but not to the point of making myself crazy, just a slight curiosity I guess.
Overall I think I feel better emotionally being out of our house than I did when I was living there. It is less stressful this way. Not having the drama (or the potential for drama) to deal with everyday when I go home from work. I come home and do my own thing. It's hard living at with my parents again (hence the "start my own business" plan) because I feel less independent but I will move out soon. This is just a temporary place while I transition.
I am working on me. I have been working a lot this week which has kept my mind occupied. I am working on losing some weight ...I am also working on starting my own business. I am going in on Wednesday to get my lisence and going office supply shopping this weekend to get organized.
Awesome!!!
Originally Posted By: daisy282
It's hard to think that it might take 6-8 weeks for him to even start to miss me.
No, he obviously misses you NOW. It will take that long if he ever becomes man enough to realize what he's lost, to grow up and to become man enough to pursue you.
And if he doesn't come around,...you REALLY do not want him the way he is now.
Originally Posted By: daisy282
In a way it is kind of a good thing as it gived me more time to do the things I want to do and work on improving myself.
Good! That's the way to think. It's realistic and optimistic at the same time.
Originally Posted By: daisy282
I did not really miss him today. I haven't cried since the day I moved out. It really hasn't been bugging me as much as I thought it would. I still want to know where he is and what he is doing but not to the point of making myself crazy, just a slight curiosity I guess.
Overall I think I feel better emotionally being out of our house than I did when I was living there. It is less stressful this way.
Well of course! Being made to feel you are not worthy of being loved is disgusting! You put an end to that, brava.
You sound great busy and strong and higher self-esteem and I'm so proud of you!!!
Well yesterday hubby texted me about our taxes and I ended up calling him because I was driving and did not want to text in the car. I kept it upbeat and on topic. We figured things out and I am going to mail the last check in on Monday. So now that we have that figured out I guess there is no real reason to talk to him again. . .until he starts communication. So my "go dark" plan can be 100% now that all the money issues are out of the way.
He did not sound happy on the phone, not mad, more depressed I guess. I am trying not to read too much into it but he really sounded down. I kept chipper! Let him wallow in his misery for a little while. Maybe he will start to understand how I felt when he told me it was over and acted as if it meant nothing to him. Grr!
The other thing I wanted to note was that he was home on a Friday night. Alone. I find it ironic that one of my biggest "nag" issues was that he was going out with friends three to five times a week and yet since we decided to seperate he has not gone out at all. . .weird? Yes! The last week and a half I was living with him while I got things sorted out so I could move out he did not go out and although I do not know what he has been doing this past week since I have been gone I find it weird that he wasn't out last night. Even I went out last night! Oy!
Well that is my mini update. . .now I will just have to sit back and wait to see what happens. It would be nice to go on a date. I secretly wish he would ask if we could spend fourth of July together. It is kind of a tradition with us. Ever since we started dating we have always spent the fourth together and last year was the first one in 5 years that we did not spend together because he was away with the Army. I remember being so sad last year because I missed him so much. It's sad to think that we might not spend this one together when we talked about it so much on the phone when he was away last year. Oh well.
Last night my husband texted me about the money thing again, apparently a check went through that he was not expecting and now he is saying he wants me to pay the taxes on my own (so not going to happen) and something about a notice saying our kicker check is being delayed for up to another six weeks (thanks for calling and telling me four days ago when the letter came in the mail).
Anyways I called him because I hate having long conversations via text messages. He was all angry on the phone and just being a jack*** in general. I tried to stay calm but eventually he got the best of me and I lost it. We argued for a good fifteen mintues and then he hung up on me. I called him back like a million times and texted him so we could figure this stupid thing out so I can get him out of my life for awhile. I was really trying to go dark and see what would happen but he won't let me because he keeps dragging this money stuff up.
Finally I got ahold of him again like half an hour later and we argued some more. It came out that he is finding out on Monday how much of a loan he is getting to put a down payment on a house! I have only been out of our apartment for a week and he is getting a loan! He is such a jerk. . .wow. . .anyways I have wanted him to get a better job so we could buy a house together since day 1 of our marriage but he never found the ambition and yet now he is willing to go and buy one so his beer buddies can come and live with him. He is such an IDIOT!
Sorry I am ranting I just can't handle how stupid he is. We're scrambling to pay our taxes off and yet he thinks it is a good time for him to buy a house? It's just a huge slap in the face to me.
When I remind him of the fact that buying a house is a huge commitment and he could not even commit to our marriage he said "well I figure a house won't nag me"
I swore at him and told him I am filing papers and then I hung up. . .
Wow. The whole thing just hurts too much. In my head I know this man is too immature and stupid and that I should not logically want a relationship with anyone like him but my heart is like "please want me back." Why am I so stupid? Why can't I shut off my emotions and just get over him. He is so not worth my time and he is not worth all the love and devotion I have given him over the years. And yet here I am getting all pissed off about it again. It should not matter. But it does.
The biggest thing I have to face now is the fact that if he does buy a house and borrow money and if it goes badly (which it will since he is getting this loan from/with his father who is a greedy SOB that has no morals whatsoever or any concept of family all he sees is the bottom line. . .not to mention that he already screwed us out of a house he said he would help us with when we first got married) I will be held responsible for my half as his wife. So now legal things are coming into play. I need to either file for a legal seperation so he cannot wreck my good credit or I need to just file the divorce papers and get it over with.
When I moved out I was not wanting to file any papers because I wanted it to be easy for us to get back together because I thought that was what was going to happen. I asked him to give us time and space so we could figure things out. I simply requested that he not date anyone until we were officially divorced and he somewhat agreed to that and I also requested that neither one of us make any major financial decisions while seperated since we would still be legally married (he had talked about this house thing before and that is why I asked him not to then and again last night) but he is not willing to agree to that. When I asked him why he could not just move into an apartment for 6 months and see how things went naturally he said it would be pointless to rent for 6 months when the money could be going towards a house. What have we been doing for the last two years?!?! I'm so ticked.
What should I do? I feel so angry and depressed and lost all at the same time. Can anyone help me figure this mess out?
