Really upside down

[upside_downer]

I just had a talk with the W (she called me). It was a R talk, but we were both very calm (which is typical). I got some insight into her mind a little bit, but wanted another opinion about this. She told me the reason she went from calling me and emailing me to not really contacting was she saw that I was busy a lot and she didn't want to bother me.

I have been thinking a lot of what you suggested, Bworl, because I need to be more decisive and less wishy-washy. I have a hard time being firm, but not pushy. This was the case when she called because I told her "I am being as supportive as I can be, but since you are living on your own, there is only so much I can do since we talk only once a week. I support you, but I also have to be able to stand on my own feet and have a backbone. I can't be a doormat. It's been a month and on Sunday, it still seemed like you felt awkward and you indicated you don't know what you want."

She said "Yeah, I know, we need to talk more. I'm just afraid of making the wrong decision."

I said "What do you mean? Making the wrong decision? I mean, you have to be happy, I want you to be happy. I don't want you to come back just to come back. I want you to WANT to come back."

She said "yeah, I know."

I said "I don't mean to put any pressure on you. I certainly understand how hard it is to feel like you do. But we have to make changes. I don't want the R we had before. I want to work on things. Of all the things I've been told by the countless people that give me advice, one thing stuck with me: Someone described how it's common for people to feel like they are trying so hard to make someone happy - and I know you did that. You tried so hard and you tried every way you knew to make things work - and I did the same. But, we both tried to make the other person happy using things we thought would make us happy. When they didn't work, we got frustrated. We need to be able to identify what actions make the other person happy."

She said "uh huh"

I bit my tongue because I told her I was glad she got her phone bill off mine. I got the last phone bill from the last 30 days and the last two weekends on Friday, she spent an hour on the phone talking to her ex-bf who was involved in the whole cousin swap partners thing. I knew she had found him a while back, and he has a kid now with some woman he doesn't want to marry. They ended on a really bad note and I never felt comfortable with him in the picture again. And now she is talking to him for an hour on the phone. I have a hard time getting 10 minutes, and she usually only talks to her cousin that much. I know she (or her cousin) told him about us because I snooped her email last week and saw that they were exchanging emails. He invited her to the bar he is bouncing at (which was ok with me). She told him her new number, and he responded "Did you change your number because of "upside_downer?"

Gosh this is SO hard. I'm so exhausted because I'm trying so hard to fill my time so I don't think about this, and so I GAL, but this still consumes my thoughts, and I get this sinking feeling every time I spend a little time with her because she is totally numb to me and after this talk today, with her just saying "I don't want to make the wrong decision," I just can't help but feel that she wants to leave, but the idea of failure just because it's failure, or because it will make her look bad, is keeping her from executing the decision. She exhibits no feeling towards me at all.

Someone please just shoot me.