all you gentle readers know that I've been struggling of late...I'm stuck in the same cycle of things going well, then I get insecure, then I question h, then I ask for reassuance, then he gets mad and withdraws and...
I've appreciated the support and empathy and candor and guidance of all who post to me. It's very, very, very clear to me that I need to erase some significant preconceptions and start anew. Hence the new thread and new focus.
An incident occurred yesterday that when mulled over today helped me see why I've been stuck. YOu all know that ow worked with h. and was a member of his "guy friend group". Well, the guys (and ow) and all spouses would occasionally get together for wine tastings, parties, etc. ow and her h. stopped being invited about 6 or 7 months ago -- I knew I wasn't going to invite her to anything due to the a., many of the "guys" sensed something was really wrong and stopped inviting her (w/o any real knowledge of the a.) and, well, the other wives were fine with it because none of them liked her anyway.
Well, I saw one of the wives yesterday. It took her all of 3 minutes to tell me that ow's h (who has NO CLUE) had approached her husband about the 4 of them getting together. She says to me "I really didn't want to but h said that ow's h has been bugging him, so, I decided to get it out of the way". They got together Friday night.
Well, according to this woman, ow was in super-high flirty mode with this woman's husband. Jumping all over him, wearing a shirt that barely covered stuff, throwing up her arms all the time so that her stomach was exposed, etc. ow is VERY skinny and this woman is pregnant so she felt doubly irked about the physicalness of ow, etc.
Well, this woman says "I guess we figure that ow now has turned her attention from your h, sage, to mine. We all knew she was interested in your h. and I guess now that he's not around, well, she's after mine".
Then she told me that even though she was really irked, she didn't bring it up with her h. Instead, HE brought it up to her. Apologized for the way ow had been acting, laughed about it with her, etc.
Now, remember, the woman telling me this story just knows that ow had designs on my h. she doesn't know that he responded.
I sat, I listened, I tried not to feed into it or gossip. the whole time, I can see my h. (he was playing baseball with her h.) and I feel so angry. So angry that instead of laughing with me about the times when ow was all over him, he started an affair. Instead of bringing it to my attention (or acknowledging my bringing it to his), he lied. Etc.
So...this morning, I'm trying, trying, trying to motivate myself to start a new thread...to start again...to refocus. And I'm struggling. Why? I wonder again and again.
this will come as no surprise to any of you, I suppose.
I'm still mad as hell at h. for the choice that he made. The choices.
And I'm mad as hell at myself for what I contributed to get us there. For laying whatever groundwork I own for the crappiness of our m.
I'm stuck in the past. I'm blaming both of us for things that can't be undone. You know this, I know this, but I let myself hide it under -- what? self-righteousness? Yah, it stinks that I can't ask my h for reassurance -- this has been crappy as all hell -- but it also stinks that part of my everyday existence is wrapped around just not forgiving him and not forgiving myself.
So, I'll need the 2x4s brought out again FOR SURE -- I want you guys to keep me honest -- ask me "are you upset about the present? or are you focused on the past?" when I get mired in feeling sorry for myself.
I mean it! Calystra's all over the boards helping tons of folks...she may not have time to whack me. You guys gotta do it!
Come visit me on my new thread --
Sage
Relax. Appreciate. Be calm. Laugh. Enjoy. Be secure. Be loving. Be loved. Don't personalize. Don't ASSume. Accept. Be grateful.
