And the day came ...

[sage]

I've been thinking tons on this reassurance things, as I'm so stuck in that mode. But before bomb, did you seek it in the same manner as you do now, or was it just assumed?

What I'm thinking is are we asking for something that is so different from what we ever wanted/needed/demanded before that it is not in their genetic make-up to do this and what we want is a fictional hollywood leading man?

Jackie -- I've never been able to ask h. for reassurance in a way that, well, actually succeeds. OK, "never" is probably innaccurate but I've very rarely been successful. The reasons haven't changed....I wait too long, ask in a judgemental freaked out way, h recoils, etc.

You'll see when I start my new thread that I'm going to go at this from a "beginner's mind" -- I'm not ready to say "I just can't ask for reassurance from h. he isn't up to it" -- fact is, I used to be CONVINCED that h. wouldn't pick up the ball around the house, or make decisions, or tell me about his day or ....and, DB'ing (and his hard work) has achieved ALL of those things. I think it can unblock me on this, too.

Sage

[psluke]

Hi Sage,

No words of wisdom to add. Sounds like you really are making some nice moves forward.

Funny on the apology email. I spent a lot of yesterday afternoon at work writing my H a letter/email. I might have some semi good news. Don't know yet! But hoping.

[calystra]

Hey Sage..

I was just thinking about something else that's pertinent to my sitch and was wondering if this might not also be pertinent to yours.

I absolutely love coming here to help people and I did take a pretty long break not too long ago but I feel like this place has done so much for me that anything I can give back, I should.

When I returned a week ago to help out again I was ashamed that I'd stayed away for so long and I jumped into advice with a vengeance as I'm sure you noticed. However, I'm starting to remember why I left. It's nothing against the people here, it's just the nature of the place.

I tend to get really drawn into people's stories and when I'm helping them, I feel their pain. It's so hard after a point to come here day after day and hear people hurting so much. It starts to affect my personal life. It starts to affect my R with Ceb.

Also, since I'm trying to give examples from my own sitch, it makes me go back to that place in time and my feelings and Ceb's feelings etc. I also ask a lot of advice from Ceb which means we bring up the sitch more and that's probably not great for our R either.

So I'm wondering if you don't have the same thing going on in your R and your life too? I know you come and go but you've been here pretty consistantly since I have (even throughout my break) and I just thought maybe it's a possibility. Any thoughts on that?

[lostlove]

So I'm wondering if you don't have the same thing going on in your R and your life too? I know you come and go but you've been here pretty consistantly since I have (even throughout my break) and I just thought maybe it's a possibility. Any thoughts on that?

hi calystra,

I know that your inquiry was not directed at me but I can't help but respond to you.

I actually just addressed this issue briefly (was cut off by visitors) on my thread yesterday.

sometimes I walk away from the bb inspired..happy...having learned something...etc..

but other times...what I read feeds into the negative spin and pulls me back to a yucky place then I must expend extra energy to push (thought stopping) away the thoughts that start to rummage around having read what I read on anothers thread.

I want to leave the bb...but don't want to leave...without the support or heck the ability to simply rant knowing someone would read it eventually...I wouldn't have made it through my sit so I don't want to leave....when I think about leaving or simply not reading anymore I feel guilty..I find myself thinking about the threads I read...the people become part of my life...but that is not good either...I've got enough to deal with here why should I expend extra energies on "strangers" but then I feel selfish...gee fine to use them when you need support but now that you are in a better place just leave them dry.

something to figure out I guess...

when to leave the bb?
do we depend on it?
does it depend on us?



LL

[sage]

Hi friends...it's time for me to start a new thread. You'll find it here:

Starting again...with a Beginner's mind

all you gentle readers know that I've been struggling of late...I'm stuck in the same cycle of things going well, then I get insecure, then I question h, then I ask for reassuance, then he gets mad and withdraws and...

I've appreciated the support and empathy and candor and guidance of all who post to me. It's very, very, very clear to me that I need to erase some significant preconceptions and start anew. Hence the new thread and new focus.

An incident occurred yesterday that when mulled over today helped me see why I've been stuck. YOu all know that ow worked with h. and was a member of his "guy friend group". Well, the guys (and ow) and all spouses would occasionally get together for wine tastings, parties, etc. ow and her h. stopped being invited about 6 or 7 months ago -- I knew I wasn't going to invite her to anything due to the a., many of the "guys" sensed something was really wrong and stopped inviting her (w/o any real knowledge of the a.) and, well, the other wives were fine with it because none of them liked her anyway.

Well, I saw one of the wives yesterday. It took her all of 3 minutes to tell me that ow's h (who has NO CLUE) had approached her husband about the 4 of them getting together. She says to me "I really didn't want to but h said that ow's h has been bugging him, so, I decided to get it out of the way". They got together Friday night.

Well, according to this woman, ow was in super-high flirty mode with this woman's husband. Jumping all over him, wearing a shirt that barely covered stuff, throwing up her arms all the time so that her stomach was exposed, etc. ow is VERY skinny and this woman is pregnant so she felt doubly irked about the physicalness of ow, etc.

Well, this woman says "I guess we figure that ow now has turned her attention from your h, sage, to mine. We all knew she was interested in your h. and I guess now that he's not around, well, she's after mine".

Then she told me that even though she was really irked, she didn't bring it up with her h. Instead, HE brought it up to her. Apologized for the way ow had been acting, laughed about it with her, etc.

Now, remember, the woman telling me this story just knows that ow had designs on my h. she doesn't know that he responded.

I sat, I listened, I tried not to feed into it or gossip. the whole time, I can see my h. (he was playing baseball with her h.) and I feel so angry. So angry that instead of laughing with me about the times when ow was all over him, he started an affair. Instead of bringing it to my attention (or acknowledging my bringing it to his), he lied. Etc.

So...this morning, I'm trying, trying, trying to motivate myself to start a new thread...to start again...to refocus. And I'm struggling. Why? I wonder again and again.

this will come as no surprise to any of you, I suppose.

I'm still mad as hell at h. for the choice that he made. The choices.

And I'm mad as hell at myself for what I contributed to get us there. For laying whatever groundwork I own for the crappiness of our m.

I'm stuck in the past. I'm blaming both of us for things that can't be undone. You know this, I know this, but I let myself hide it under -- what? self-righteousness? Yah, it stinks that I can't ask my h for reassurance -- this has been crappy as all hell -- but it also stinks that part of my everyday existence is wrapped around just not forgiving him and not forgiving myself.

So, I'll need the 2x4s brought out again FOR SURE -- I want you guys to keep me honest -- ask me "are you upset about the present? or are you focused on the past?" when I get mired in feeling sorry for myself.

I mean it! Calystra's all over the boards helping tons of folks...she may not have time to whack me. You guys gotta do it!

Come visit me on my new thread --

Sage

[sage]

Also, since I'm trying to give examples from my own sitch, it makes me go back to that place in time and my feelings and Ceb's feelings etc. I also ask a lot of advice from Ceb which means we bring up the sitch more and that's probably not great for our R either.

So I'm wondering if you don't have the same thing going on in your R and your life too? I know you come and go but you've been here pretty consistantly since I have (even throughout my break) and I just thought maybe it's a possibility. Any thoughts on that?

Hey Calystra -- we crossposted! I just mentioned you and your wonderful advice later on my thread.

Anyway, sometimes I do feel as though the BB can drag me down a bit...seeing other people's pain, revisiting my own crud, etc. BUT, I think that for me right now the truth is that I just really haven't let go of my stuff...I haven't "db'd" my way out of this yet...not 'cause of getting mired in muck but because I haven't done it for myself, for my h, for my m.

I'm not sure I'll know when to leave but I don't think I'm ready just yet...

Sage

[holdingon]

Calystra,
I understand what you mean about digging up the past, the bb being a downer, etc. Even though I NEED everyone's help, even I am careful about which posts I read, because some send me into a major dive.

But, as someone you have been trying to help, let me just say that I really appreciate you and your Husband taking the time to try to help out. It is so inspiring to read the posts the two of you put on the bb. Thank you so much. I wish my sitch could make you smile, inspire you, say "look what we did" and hopefully someday, it will. We will all understand if you can't visit as much, or at all, but know that we understand the sacrifice you are making when you come here. You have to know how appreciated you are, people are clamouring to talk to you.

So, from the bottom of my severely bruised heart, thank you.