girlfromipanema x 4

[girlfromipanema]

Thanks lodo, gypsy, mike, cookie, jeff et al for sending love my way. It means so much. Sometimes I'm concerned with my dependency on this site and your friendship. I really do care for each of my DBers. But then I wonder, "How real is this?"

If you're not in the mood for a little Debbie Downer, you might want to skip my post.

Remember when I mentioned my tendency towards being fickle? Today I feel like I can not continue with this marriage. I really waffle between my desire to honor my commitments and my need for self preservation.

Why do I want to work so hard for someone to love me? Maybe because I remember how wonderful life with him used to be. We laughed a lot. We had a good time. We protected one another. But that is over now. We dont have children. It's not too late to cut and run. But I gave my word and I promised to stand by him in good and bad. Maybe we'll get through this and things will be better than ever. Imagine being in my head. It's like a pinball machine. Boing boing. Back and forth, back and forth. Exasperating!

I wish I could be like gForce and make a fraggin decision and stick with it. This waffling back and forth hour by hour is ridiculous. Is there no magic bullet that can extinguish the love for my husband and the disgust for the OW? Is there no pill that can make me apathetic? Why do I care? Why am I fearful?

EA OW's STBXBF (whew) keeps calling and asking me to have lunch. I know he needs someone to talk to, but every interaction with him leaves me feeling blecky (borrowing from lwb). I want to send him a text: "Please just leave me alllllllloooooooonnnnnnne." But, I'm the sweet girl, so I'll string him along for awhile until I feel better about my life... and then I'll take him to lunch so he can unload on me and provide details about my husband and 'her' that I'd rather not know... and I'll feel worse about my life.

I just feel extremely hostile and volatile today. I (lightly) slammed a door (yes, it's possible to lightly slam a door!) this morning at home, pretending it was an accident. I know, I'm emotionally immature, but it made me feel a tiny bit better and allowed me to hold my tongue.

When EA OW's STBXBF spoke to me several weeks ago, he mentioned she was buying the house across the street from their current home. She told him if she needed help with money, she had "a very good friend" who was happy to help her. Could this "friend" be my husband? When we married, he took over the finances and I took over the domestic side of things. I will not tolerate having my money go toward this woman's new home. Not after her betrayal of my friendship. F her. I'm really, really angry with her. I have to see her every day. I smile. I make small talk. I pretend to care about her. I can't bear the sight or sound of her.

When my husband finishes this project, our office will inevitably have a launch celebration and we'll have to slather them with compliments and put them on a pedestal together. We'll say "girlfromipanema's husband, you are such a genius. You are so incredibly talented." And he'll say, "I could not have accomplished this without the help and mastery of the amazing OW".

In real life, I seem very much my normal self today. I'm so grateful to have this forum to unleash all the ugliness inside of me. I'm determined to take the high road. I'm determined to never allow my emotions to dictate my actions again. That is not the woman I choose to be. I am better than that. Also, I had to write a formal warning for a staff member today. His supervisor wanted him to "feel the pain" so I unleashed.

I feel so much better.

Thanks, friends.