Jeff, mc is right, you have to tell him the truth (tailored for a 5yr old of course).
I told my 5yr daughter that her dad wouldnt' be living with us, that he will be seeing her often, but that he wouldnt' be in the house like before, that he decided to be on his own. That we both loved her a lot and that we were still a family, her brother, her and I and Jesus, there were 4 in the house. Gave her a big hug and told her I was so happy to have her. At first she was quiet and told me she didn't know how to feel about that (code for she didn't like the sitch) but now she stopped talking about dad not being home.
In your case I understand is harder for he misses her (my d5 doesn't miss stbx, for she now realizes that when he is around I wont' be). More of a reason to talk to him and have him understand that mom doesn't live there anymore, just telling him she is working and she'll be back soon prolongs his longing and his hopes are up that any day now mom will be back as usual.
Do it for him, tell him she has her own place and that he now has two families, (I know, why the hell anyone would bring grief to these little angel boggles the mind) and that he is very very loved by both of you.
Be not afraid...I will repay you for the years the locusts have eaten Joel2
30something 2kids survivor of S, MLC, A, D I have peace in my heart, at last.
I totally agree with you puppy, but in the other hand, if she is incapable of caring for the children it isn't good for them to be with her.
I worry for my kids sometimes (because stbx has many moods and his depression comes and goes) that they will not be cared for properly, he would never harm them but I just worry they'll be just sitting there while stbx broods silently. So, if he tells me one day that he can't have them for the day because he is not feeling emotionally well and about to crack, I rather have the kids with me.
If things get ugly, documenting the calls would be to Jeff's advantage. I pray they don't, and that, if it comes to that if his state lets him file for legal separation (or not) that mediation can be an option, my S only costed 1,500 by mediation, we split the cost (I gave myself credit for some money he gave ow, so I didnt' even pay for my entire half). By the time the year is up in January, when stbx files he will take the sep. agreement and file for a no contest D, prob pony up 80$ for the paperwork, and that will be it.
Last edited by cat03; 06/23/0803:14 PM.
Be not afraid...I will repay you for the years the locusts have eaten Joel2
30something 2kids survivor of S, MLC, A, D I have peace in my heart, at last.
By all means, yes, if she TRULY cannot care for them, Jeff should err on the side of providing care. I don't sense that his wife is to that point, tho, and is merely being a drama queen.
I could, of course, be wrong. I trust Jeff to know the difference.
Heaven forbid what if something happened to Jeff? Are there provisions for who would take care of the children or would his wife then finally step up and be a mother to her children?
Me 54 DS19 and DS17 Married 06/1989 Divorced 01/2011
Sorry for the above post. I am unable to edit. I should not have posted it, a lot of things just rubbed me the wrong way today and I had no business chiming in here.
Me 54 DS19 and DS17 Married 06/1989 Divorced 01/2011
Cat03 and puppy, thanks for checking in on me, I know puppy you think W will continue to use me (pull me out of work, etc to watch kids), I don't care, I know W would never hurt kids and I mean never !!! but there is one thing that does scare me, its when she ignores the kids, tunes them out. When the kids really start bothering her or she is depressed, she withdraws into her own little world, and the kids are off doing who knows what and I worry they are not being properly supervised.
NNP1965, please chime in anytime you want. If anything ever happens to me, W could afford to live very comfortably she is the beneficiary on my life insurance, I would expect her to step up and assume control, but you did give me something to think about, what if she didn't step up, I need to talk to her about this.
W called to validate "we are on the same page" told me she has to work Friday night and will be gone all day Saturday. WTF (excuse language ladies) I don't expect her to be anywhere, I come home from work and she leaves end of story, I don't need to know what she is doing. If she calls and wants kids great, if not I really don't care or expect anything out of her.
W called again, found a nice piece of furniture at second-hand shop. I asked her what it was, she said it was chair, you could use on a sun porch (we don't have a sun porch) or as a decorative chair somewhere. I told her I need to concentrate on the stuff I need, my basic needs, new beds for the girls, dinning room table, bedroom stuff for me, etc.
W called again, wanted help with her laptop (I bought her one last year) trying to learn wireless access, It was taking forever, finally found out she didn't have the wi-fi switch turned on. Once she was in, she was having some navigation problems, she was getting upset, and I was nice, told her she doesn't use the computer that often, that she would learn, etc. but I had to go. (I set up her e-mail account and passwords, so I have access to her e-mail,etc. I never look at her stuff)
My crazy old neighbor will get a laugh out of this one, when W wanted either neighbor or the neighbors friend to watch the kids for her, she would always tell them she had to go get a mammogram. Neighbor and her friend finally put 2 and 2 together that W was using them, I never got a doctors bill for any mammogram either. Last nigh at D9 softball game W was talking to a lady we know and I say up at the pool yesterday, I told lady I took off work to give W a break from the kids, and I thought I heard W tell this lady I took off work to watch the kids because she had to go get a mammogram.
We all have a long haul ahead of us, good or bad it's the path we choose in life that's important.
M45 W41 M10 3/4 years D9, D6, D6, S5 OM confirmed 12/07 merry christmas to me WAM (Walk Away Mom) 05/31/08 Date I'll forgive W for A = never
Trying to ignor W, kept my distance from her at D9 softball game last night, she walked away without saying goodbye, not to me, I don't care, but walked away from the kids without saying goodbye.
Came home from work tonight, said I'm home and went about my business, kids were downstairs in the TV room, and W just left for work and didn't even say goodbye to the kids.
She use to make it a point to say goodbye and all the kids would run to her for kisses and hugs. So much has changed in such a short period.
W called the house my house today, "we are out shopping and we are going over to your house after we get done"
We all have a long haul ahead of us, good or bad it's the path we choose in life that's important.
M45 W41 M10 3/4 years D9, D6, D6, S5 OM confirmed 12/07 merry christmas to me WAM (Walk Away Mom) 05/31/08 Date I'll forgive W for A = never
It hurts when they make that distinction doesn't it? It still drives me crazy and it has been 18 mths. Once the D is final, maybe it won't matter so much. Just 2 1/2 weeks...
kat
Me-53(and learning!) S24, S21, D18, D17 Just keep swimming, Just keep swimming. Dory
I have been feeling down and don't know why, need to get my head out of the sand, my ass in gear and get to work rebuilding my life. (I will need to whistle while I work, hmmm, what song should I whistle, I know: "Always Look on the Bright Side of Life")
Here are some facts about my life and life in general
* My W will never come home * I will never forgive W for what she has done * There is a God (just hasn't been in my corner lately)
In fact, I apologized to God last night, for being such a pest. God has others calling on him that are in far worse shape and need his help much more than me. I've just been having a hard time at it lately, everything breaking down around the house, W leaving,etc. There is so much to do with the kids, around the house, at work.
* Things will get better * Smile and the world smiles with you (try it, it works, as you walk around look at people and smile) * There is calm before a storm, there is also calm after a storm * There are a lot of women out there looking for someone to love (I'm coming, I just have to wait until I get my life in order) * Money isn't everything * Its the path we chose in life thats important. * Both the kids and I won't remember the dirty dishes. We will both remember playing at the pool together or catching fire-flies on a warm summer evening. (I really have to remember this) * Living well is the best revenge. Being miserable because of a former relationship, just might mean that the other person was right about you. * Clean your house before you invite guest over (metaphor for life after divorce) * Its not what you saved but how much you actually spent that matters. (I always heard W and even girls at work say, well, I saved $ or it was 50% off so I saved $) * Woman also like the simple things in life (The simple things in life are all I can afford)
For some reason, I remember this story about Yogi Berra and it just popped into my head:
Yogi Berra goes into a restaurant and orders a pizza, the waiter brings out his pizza and ask Mr. Berra how he wants his pizza cut up, into 6 or 8 slices and Mr. Berra responds, 6 slices please I don't think I can eat 8.
W just called, about my softball game tonight, its on the calendar for 5:45 one game and she calls and asks me if there is more than one game tonight. I tell her everything; she knows when I'm leaving and what I'm doing. She is the one that springs stuff on me at the last minute "oh I thought I told you that" Boy thats irritating !!!!
Well "Always Look on the Bright Side of Life" I hear whistling in my head. I'll find love again someday. I'm going to be happy, helpful, forgiving, patient and loving. I'm a stubborn old German.
We all have a long haul ahead of us, good or bad it's the path we choose in life that's important.
M45 W41 M10 3/4 years D9, D6, D6, S5 OM confirmed 12/07 merry christmas to me WAM (Walk Away Mom) 05/31/08 Date I'll forgive W for A = never
when W wanted either neighbor or the neighbors friend to watch the kids for her, she would always tell them she had to go get a mammogram. Neighbor and her friend finally put 2 and 2 together that W was using them, I never got a doctors bill for any mammogram either. Last nigh at D9 softball game W was talking to a lady we know and I say up at the pool yesterday, I told lady I took off work to give W a break from the kids, and I thought I heard W tell this lady I took off work to watch the kids because she had to go get a mammogram.
