Quote: What if I started mentioning to h. the things that he does (the ilys, the hugs, the whatevers) that I appreciate and make me feel safe, loved, secure, whatever? I don't think I do that much now...my plan wouldn't be to overwhelm him with it -- not much good in that! But, if h. feels as though "nothing is ever enough" in part because I never tell him what IS working, well, couldn't noting and appreciating and commenting be a good thing????
sage I really wish there were a lightbulb smilie!!!!!!!!!
sheesh woman I thought you were already doing this!!! it works big time...
I've been doing that with h for a long time now (well I started with little things during the seperation actually)
I say thank you when he calls...why..because I like when he calls it makes me feel good.
I thank him when he tells me he's misserable and his day is going crummy...why because he's sharing with me and I thank him for sharing..
I thank him for hugs...well because I want them damn it and if I say thank you maybe I'll get more!!
nothing wrong with saying thank you and letting him know what IS working.....
You've always shown delight to us here on the bb over things your H did or said, so I assumed that you were also expressing your delight to him as well.
Reinforce the positives, reward what you want.
You've long moved out of the initial stage, that amount of restraint t'aint necessary little missy.
I, too, thought you were doing this all along. But I must add that for a time I wasn't doing it...then realized I was posting all of my joy about what CJ was doing HERE, but not really consistently verbalizing it to HIM in the moment.
When we're not used to doing that, it can feel a bit awkward at first...(and then of course there's the little bit of entitlement we feel that says...but he SHOULD be doing XY and Z, why should I make a big deal out of it?...Why? So he'll know you appreciate it and KEEP doing it!) but then it gets easier and becomes second nature.
For an example...read my next post on my thread about CJ's latest dream he shared with me (forgot to mention it there! ).
DO it Sage, it will go a long way toward showing your H how much he IS doing that pleases you.
Quoting lostlove: sage I really wish there were a lightbulb smilie!!!!!!!!!
ok -- I'm looking for the icon that shows me smacking my head with my hand (like the "I could've had a V8" commercial).
I NEVER said I was a fast learner, guys!!!
So...I've got school tomorrow so may not have too much time...thought I'd post my positives for today so I don't miss 'em:
1. H has called me about 8 times today. each time just a 5 minute or so conversation...but he called for a variety of reasons...all details about what he was up to, the cats, etc.
2. h read me part of an email he sent to a friend -- the email was kind of chit chatty stuff -- the friend and his w. are visiting labor day weekend. what's good about this is that 50% of the way through the conversation I realized that h. was actually READING me the email...a very nice (and unexpected peak) into the private email realm of h!
3. Light dawned on Marblehead and I realized that actually verbally appreciating the reassuring things h. is doing may actually work wonders! This is new territory for me...I sent him an email about all the phone calls....will work on the "realtime" reassurance !
4. h asked me what we were doing tonight ... I said "I don't know" and he said "I do" and made a plan for us to go out for drinks/dinner.
I haven't forgotten my commitment to posting my actions associated with my list...tomorrow night is a possibility since h. is going out with a friend!
Sigh. Feeling better feels good.
Finally, just wanted to share an insight I had this AM -- I was feeling really, really stuck on why I couldn't let go of my anger towards h. over not responding "on the fly" when I ask for reassurance -- now, I know that we're addressing MY issues about always needing reassurance AND the way that I ask for it, etc. but I was still feeling mad and stuck.
Well, it occurred to me this morning as I was walking into work...when mom flipped out, I called dad to come and help. his response was "what do you want me to do about it?" Even though it's apples and oranges, to my psyche I think it feels the same...I'm asking for help, I'm asking to be saved, to be made safe. Anyway, I know the KEY is ACTION and 180s but I still find value in exposing the CRAP that keeps me stuck. Maybe the next time I'm feeling so needy I can remember this and realize that I'm no longer 14 years old...I can save myself.
Sage
Relax. Appreciate. Be calm. Laugh. Enjoy. Be secure. Be loving. Be loved. Don't personalize. Don't ASSume. Accept. Be grateful.
Quote: As our good pal WillWin is wont to say...I knew this latest glitch was "nothin' but a thang"...although in actuality, it was a good "thang", no????
Shiny
I always thought willwins line was "aint nothing but a thong" or was that floyd? I never did figure that whole mess out anyway.
Fer crying out loud...here's my horoscope for today.
There’s a sense of deja-vu. If you haven’t been exactly here before, you have been somewhere similar or you have always, inwardly known that one day you would arrive at a point like this. You are right to detect something significant about the situation, but wrong to fear that it is a replay of some previous scenario, predestined to have a particular outcome. Now, you can do something different and get a result that causes the rule book to be re-written. You are not stuck in a rut, you are standing on a launch-pad and you are about to take off towards a very exciting destination.
Sage
Relax. Appreciate. Be calm. Laugh. Enjoy. Be secure. Be loving. Be loved. Don't personalize. Don't ASSume. Accept. Be grateful.
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