Julia referred me to your post, and i am glad she did. it seems that our W are very similar. I have gotten myself back into best friends status after about 7 weeks of no communication. i have also been helping her a lot like you describe. i feel myself stuck with my own emotions and was wondering how you deal with the best friends part. i am trying to be patient but i am realizing that i could never be just friends. every great day we spend together makes me want more.
this week she is back staying at my house while we separate our stuff and move into different apartments in different cities 3.5 hours apart. we don't have kids but we do have 3 pets that we intend to share. somedays she is willing to work others she blames me for ruining 10 years of her life.
I was just wondering if you had any advice on being her best friend and getting through this week every time i look at her i just want to hold her till its right. thanks for your time, i really do admire your strength, it sounds like we have very similar take on things.
Well yesterday evening and today have been interesting. We went looking at houses together again....a positive sign. We saw one we both loved but it was very expensive. Before we even got home W starts acting very negative towards me. I try to reinforce saying I have a positive outlook on it but want to talk about it. She continues to be negative and starts pressuring me to put an offer in saying someone probably already has. I retort with please don't talk to me that way and I don't have a negative outlook and not to turn the screws since the house was reduced all weekend long and no one esle made an offer on it. She continues to be negative and throw spite at me and I respond by "please don't talk to me that way", she says "what are you my father". I respond with "no I am your husband and I don't deserve to be talked to that way" She just kind of pouted at that point and said "not really" I repsonded with "hows that" very calmly to no response and left it at there. I will say I said a couple of prayers in there and had to remember to "act as if" pretty hard.
Later I tried to talk to her about it while we are on the couch and she just says "I am done talking about it" and starts to pout. I respond with "are you going to pout or do you want to talk like adults" I then say "my only hesitation about this place is due to love towards you". In our other house she felt trapped in her career due to the expense of the house. The career makes a lot of money but has a lot of stress which has taken its toll on her and us.
She cooled off for a while and then was amicable. When we went to bed she said "well are we going to talk about it" I said I tried to but you said you were done talking about it. Then I said lets talk about it and we did.
This morning she sends me another e-mail and said she was interested in one that was more middle of the road.
All in all I was pretty proud of myself, I was assertive without being controlling, I didn't let her walk over me but let her know what I was thinking was out of love, and I didn't press the issue or try to lecture (which I tended to do in the past).
The best part is that the new house we are looking at getting has a hot tub (OK....what did you expect I am a guy afterall!)
TwinDad Me 39, W 36, M 11 W - MLC, WAW???? 2 Kids B/G 3 YRS Old Start of the Long and Bumpy Road..... On the verge of piecing.....a new beginning
I think you responded really well, I think she has probably gained more respect for you that way. I know that before my h left I used to test him with demands to see how far I could push him and I actually wanted him to say no to me as a sign that he loved me. I know that might seem really strange as actually he was agreeing to my demands to keep me happy when it was actually having the opposite effect on me. There is no logic there I know but that was how I felt. Anyways, sounds like you did good!
Good comment about a new house being a fresh start and an end to the old bad memories....
Yeah I guess it would be good to get rid of the house she chose to move into when we separated. Though we would be moving for the second time in 3 months......not fun.
Well we put an offer in yesterday, she drew up all the paperwork (she is very familiar with the business) and they have until 6PM to accept/counter.
TwinDad Me 39, W 36, M 11 W - MLC, WAW???? 2 Kids B/G 3 YRS Old Start of the Long and Bumpy Road..... On the verge of piecing.....a new beginning
Me 36 Husband 35 D5 S2 separated: 10/29/07-present Served divorce papers 1/22/09 "When the world gives out beneath your feet, it is time to learn how to fly."
(OK....what did you expect I am a guy afterall!)