Bring on the Rain - Part 3

[SueS]

Hi LO-

Yeah, I've been told that for years he's tried with me but that I just couldn't give him what he needed. What, to act like a whore? And, my touch is like a cold fish! That one stung a little the first time he said it. The best was a comparison he made between me and OW that I'm like a bad can of condensed soup that's been on the shelf too long & she's a 7-course meal at a fine restaurant. Yeah, that one hurt a little too, but you hear that and wonder who's really being cold & uncaring?? Yes, the other women! As if the ones that leave their families for our H's are so much better than we are.

[Sara]

I thought he was the one who was cold and uncaring. Anyone who talks like that deserves to be served a can of condensed soup for dinner.

[Rob1231]

Then I gave him a 1/2 a$$ hug and left. Not sure what's going on.

Bottom line... who cares? Let him spin around in his wacked-out confusion - that's his problem, not yours!

I stop and realize that there's no way I could trust him again. I'm scared of ever being able to trust anyone again.

I understand why you feel this way, but it'll happen. There are plenty of good people in the world - someday you'll find one that deserves you. In the meantime, just take care of yourself and D.

I thought he was the one who was cold and uncaring. Anyone who talks like that deserves to be served a can of condensed soup for dinner.

Perfectly said! Yeah, the OP's may be uncaring as well - but they are not important, not at all.

[SueS]

D4 wanted to call H last night when I told her that he was going out with friends. She talked to him & then put me on the phone. Not much was said. I expected him to be home late last night, but he got home around 9:30. He'd forgotten his phone at home. He's done that twice now in the last week. He must not have told OW that he left his phone at home. She called. The temptation was there to answer his phone, but really, what would I have said and what good would it have done me? Boy though, that would really have given her a shock! Could have been fun for me! H checked his phone when he got home & then jumped on the pc right away.

This morning H emailed me. His email said.
"I see you've taken off the shackles. Gotten any fish to bite yet?" Then he asked me again if I wanted him to try to get the deposit back to our place without having to wait 21 days. I called him. He claimed he was joking about the shackles. I'm not sure if it actually took him 3 months to notice that I'm not wearing my wedding ring or if it took him that long to figure out what to say. He went off again about the deposit. Then he told me that he was just trying to help me out, as it's my money. If I want to wait 21 days and then track our landlord down for it, that's my choice. Then he told me that he only trusts 2 people in this world and the landlord's not one of them. I didn't ask who the 2 were.

Thankfully it's been a busy, busy day at work. I hadn't been thinking about my sitch until H's email came in.

My parents are coming to town this weekend. Long ago I had suggested that H and I try a Polish restaurant in town. He's Polish. He said that if my folks take D4, maybe we can try that restaurant. It's so odd this world he's living in. My gut is telling me that he's slowly pulling away from OW because he knows he could never handle her kids. Also, he was on the phone last night with his brother. All they talked about was looking into possibly going to Vegas in July and KS/MO in August for concerts. It's a possibility that he realizes how a life with OW could actually disrupt a life of going out and doing whatever he wants, whenever he wants. But, as Rob said....who cares. I have to do for me and D4. We have to be 1st in my life right now.

SueS

[SweetRedd]

Sue,

His email reminds me of his "not that you care" comment. As much as you've been wondering what's going on with him, he's now starting to wonder what's going on with you. No ring, have an appt lined up and are wanting to discuss the details of the move and telling D4. This isn't the Sue who used to take his bait and respond to his selfish manipulation! You're also no longer offering to work on the R, or telling him that you want to save the M. This has to come as a shock after years of depending on you to be there and available no matter what he does. I've no doubt that your independence and silent acceptance is throwing him for a loop. Good for you

The bad thing about people who manipulate.. they're pretty good at trying different things until they get the result they want. Be prepared for him to do or say anything at this point. Your H likes to get his way and if things aren't happening the way he wants, it will be you he tries to manipulate to fix it. Fortunately, you've seen the light and are too smart to fall for it.

You sound good

Sheila

[Puppy Dog Tails]

Sue,

His email reminds me of his "not that you care" comment. As much as you've been wondering what's going on with him, he's now starting to wonder what's going on with you. No ring, have an appt lined up and are wanting to discuss the details of the move and telling D4. This isn't the Sue who used to take his bait and respond to his selfish manipulation! You're also no longer offering to work on the R, or telling him that you want to save the M. This has to come as a shock after years of depending on you to be there and available no matter what he does. I've no doubt that your independence and silent acceptance is throwing him for a loop. Good for you

The bad thing about people who manipulate.. they're pretty good at trying different things until they get the result they want. Be prepared for him to do or say anything at this point. Your H likes to get his way and if things aren't happening the way he wants, it will be you he tries to manipulate to fix it. Fortunately, you've seen the light and are too smart to fall for it.

You sound good

Sheila

I think that all sounds about right. What Piglet said.

- Puppy

[SueS]

The bad thing about people who manipulate.. they're pretty good at trying different things until they get the result they want. Be prepared for him to do or say anything at this point. Your H likes to get his way and if things aren't happening the way he wants, it will be you he tries to manipulate to fix it. Fortunately, you've seen the light and are too smart to fall for it.

Sheila- You hit the nail on the head as far as my fear goes. That he'll manipulate me into doing something I don't want to do. I don't feel as strong as you give me credit for. I'm seeing what he's doing, but I fear one thing he'll do is use D4 in some way. Like telling me that I'M the one hurting D4 for letting things end. Something like that.

[LL44]

The bad thing about people who manipulate.. they're pretty good at trying different things until they get the result they want.

Wow. I am witness to this.

My H hasn't noticed or doesn't bring it up about my ring being off since December.

Sue, don't even respond to those emails/conversations.

[SweetRedd]

Sue,

I understand Still you ARE very smart and much stronger than you were even 6 months ago. Do you think it's a matter of you not being strong enough in that you're afraid he'll manipulate you into trying to work on the M again? Or, is it that he's gonna lay on the guilt and blame? Or both?

If guilt or fear is a problem for you (understandably!)... maybe it's time to face that head on and be prepared. These were BIG issues with me when J and I were separated and he was manipulating. Accepting guilt and blame he throws your way, or feeling like a failure even though you've done all you can to save your M will enable him to manipulate you. Fearing what he might do to use D4 against you is gonna zap you of strength. Resolve to not allow him to manipulate, make you feel guilty or use D4 as a weapon. Work it out in your mind and decide what's the worst he can do, how you'd deal with it (emotionally and legally), and stand strong Sue. Don't accept less than you and D4 deserve because you feel you have to to keep the peace.

Kids are very smart. J had a way of acting pitiful around the kids so they'd blame me. I reacted to it and thought he was turning them against me. Thing is.. my older kids saw exactly what he was doing and most importantly, that his problems were of his making. D4 might not be able to reason that out, but she knows who's always been there for her and has time for her. Be the best Mom you can be and it will all work out. He can do a lot of things, but he can't take who you are away from you and he can't turn a lie into the truth.

Sheila

[saffie]

Kids are very smart. J had a way of acting pitiful around the

kids so they'd blame me. I reacted to it and thought he was turning them against me. Thing is.. my older kids saw exactly what he was doing and most importantly, that his problems were of his making. D4 might not be able to reason that out, but she knows who's always been there for her and has time for her. Be the best Mom you can be and it will all work out. He can do a lot of things, but he can't take who you are away from you and he can't turn a lie into the truth.

This was the same when my parents split up Sue. I personally think even young kids know, or have a fair feeling, for what's going on.

My dad was very manipulative....but also very verbally abusive to my mother when he was drinking. I loved my dad, and was totally in awe of him at the same time....but he was a monster before he quit drinking. Sue, I can't remember my mom, as a person, before she left my dad. I know she was there, but there was just this faceless entity looking after me and my sister. She left my dad the day after my 8th birthday.....and I remember crying for what seemed like days.....but that was as much from relief as from missing my dad. My mum felt really bad because I used to say things like I hurt thinking about my dad being by himself....... but it was the right thing to do. I knew that.

When I think about the damage to my persona, that living with my dad until I was 8 has caused.....and I think about the knock on effect that has on the way I parent my own children......... I wish my mom could have gotten out of there sooner. My sister is 3 and a half years older and the damage to her is even worse.

You stick to your guns and follow the route you have chosen. Your D will know it's not easy and as she gets older and older she will realize what a gift you have given her......and how strong you were to do what you did. I think mu mom was amazing to do what she did. She was way stronger than my dad.

I think very highly of you Sue. There are some truly amazing people on these boards and you are one of them. You don't want your D repeating any of the alcohol/ abuse cycles....just keep thinking of that when your H is trying to guilt you......you are not taking the easy route.............you are taking the harder, but infinitely more healthy, route.