How Much BS do I believe?!

[pisces9]

today and yesterday were hard for me.
im still feeling yucky.

im also trying to figure out if this fight is worth it.

can he change? even though he said he wanted a D, i have done so much over the past few years to "make him happy".

what has he done for our marriage or to make me happy?

i need a team mate- i need someone who gives.

he has sucked me dry. i dont know what else to do and if he can fundamentally change.

[Jack_Three_Beans]

So what happened between the days to make you wonder?

[pisces9]

well i stayed away from contacting him- he contacted me about our cabin that got an offer- so we talked...it was ll good.

then i am reading the 5 love languages and i realize how many I have tried with him. none was ever good enough or "worked".

and it made me realize he didn’t try many with me- he tried his way and thought that was enough. He just never really made me a #1 priority – I didn’t feel it really at all.

also – I am just ansty and nervous that he will say the D word again..

he is just closed off and i want him to show me he wants to work on things- maybe he does bc after our talk he hasnt brought up the R again.

he is very shy and closed off so i just see him getting so clammed up and never opening again. he hasnt talked to any of his friends about this and i am scared that he wont take the time to learn about how he can be a better H...or even figure out what went wrong.

this is not a good attitude for me to have- i know this.

i need to snap out of it...also i have had a few days of feeling a little sick and nobody to be there for me...although when i was sick he really didnt do much for me anyway.

ugh. ugh. ugh.

[pisces9]

also- i feel that he never asks me what i need .... and i guess now would not be the time he would do this since we are S and have very little communication.

i also wonder if i havent shown him enough sadness- am i being too strong around him?

so how do i get to ask for what i need?

how can i tell him i need him to share about his day with me and then ask me about my day.

i need him to hug me when i am sad.

i need him to spontaniously hug me or connect with me.


is this not the time i get to do this? im thinking NOT NOW

[One Day]

Hey Pisces,

I can't remember if you've said already, but have you read DR? I agree that now is not the time to bring up your needs. You need to focus on yourself and work on GAL and detaching. Once H has definitively confirmed he wants to work on the R, you can start to work through the other issues. Until then, GAL, detach and LRT for your life!

[pisces9]

yes- i have read DR a lot!...i guess my emotions are stirred up bc we had a huge talk last week and i feel hopeful yet scared that it may not work...

i agree- i am finding another level of detachment and its just hard right now....

i had a DB coaching session and she had said to act like we are friends- casual friends...but that was before our big R talk ( he initiated) so now im a little unsure...

[Neilh23]

pisces...sorry you're having a rough stretch. remember, we're going to go up and down with our emotions, and its just normal to feel what you're feeling.

it's hard to detach...i understand that one completely. Keep cool and collected around him. DOn't let him see you weak... as hard as that might be sometimes...you gotta do it.

it's difficult right now for all of us...because we now SEE very clearly where we could do better in our M's. THat's where most of my frustrations come from...almost like give me a chance.

You're doing great. Don't give up!!!!!!

[One Day]

Hey Pisces,

I think that in spite of the R talk you need to continue with the plan to act AS IF H is a casual friend, and to continue with being dim and not initiating contact.

Definitely no initiating talks about your needs, or R talks at all. Even if you were the strong one in the R (which it sounds like you were), I think you need to continue to be strong, confident and acting happy until he starts taking steps back towards you.

I second what Neil said- you ARE doing really well. Keep going!

[pisces9]

ok~thanks- maybe all i need was a pep talk!

no R talk, no ILY's, LRT, casual friends...

thank you- sometimes i feel so needy and my PMA gets F'd up....

i appreciate your reply!

PMA PMA PMA PMA PMA PMA

ps. yes i was / am the strong one- thats why i am so tired...

[pisces9]

thanks Neil-
yes- i think you are right...i see and HEAR what he has been saying and i am sad that i let it get to this point..but i guess i also feel like he wasnt that clear...oh well.

now i get to act as if i can take this and be strong and give him the space he needs....

it is a rollercoaster...some days i forget (almost) that there is something missing then other days i cant get it ourt of my head.

the 5 love languages also made me realize how we each need to be loved differently...

that is good to learn but i wish i had read that a little earlier! better to know this now!

another GREAT day!