Hey everyone,

Continued thanks and gratefulness for all of your support. I'm mired in schoolwork so I haven't been as prolific as usual (not just on my thread but on everyone elses, too!) I have been doing some hard work though putting my list together, rereading DR, etc.

Here are my positives from yesterday:
1. H called a bunch of times yesterday. called to tell me cute stuff about the kittens, etc.

2. h asked ME for a hug! how 'bout that!

3. h said ILY a couple of times and even sent me a few emails (internet is finally back at home). I really like getting emails from him so this is doubly good.

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I mentioned that I reread my threads the other day and that it reinforced for me what Cal has been saying -- I'm stuck in a cycle of my own creation. SO many posts on my threads are like "here's a bunch of good stuff but I'm bummed anyway". I feel myself mired in that over and over and over again. Here are the common themes that I saw:

Mondays are hard for me -- I feel distant and unsure

Bringing stuff up to h is unsatisfying and actually detrimental. I hold stuff in, freak out, ask for reassurance (demand it?), don't get it, get mad, etc.

Worrying about stuff that may or may not be happening. Paranoia about ow still being around.

Feeling boring on the phone. Issues around email. Feeling rejected when he doesn't respond to my emails.

My making "ow" the "problem" instead of a symptom of the the problem

I freak out after a period of closeness and create a chaotic situation.

talking to h like a friend...asking for things like I would ask a friend...that works much better than what I'm doing.

I make huge leaps and ASSumptions when I confront h.

I need to focus on what I can control -- my behavior, my thoughts, my responses. I cannot control h., his relationships, his thoughts, his behaviors.

I feel a bit crazy when he goes to check his email.

I lose sight of the good things when I get mired in feeling sorry for myself.

I do not feel like a good wife. the kind of wife that someone is faithful to. I do not feel loveable, chooseable, sexy, pretty, smart, ENOUGH.

we both get mired in "nothing will ever change"

I get horribly stuck when I ASSume that h. is "not on my side".

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Those are just the thoughts that jumped out at me from reading my thread. I also pulled out the list of 32 foibles and categorized them. I'll post those separately.

Sage

Relax. Appreciate. Be calm. Laugh. Enjoy. Be secure. Be loving. Be loved. Don't personalize. Don't ASSume. Accept. Be grateful.