NM - I've read so far and am waiting for your continued writing about darkness and difficulty.
I wanted to respond to this that you wrote: "It should be mentioned that conversations between my husband and myself, if he suggests that I try something that he came up with (new therapist, getting a video, making more appointments), my typical reaction (almost without thinking) is to push back or push away. I might say: "I don't think that is the case." or "Really what is important is this." or "That reminds me of something unrelated that I thought of today." or "I am really busy today, maybe tomorrow."
Yes, I have had interactions like that in the past with my current relationship...and at some point, I had to just reel myself in and say to myself "DanceQueen, what the heck are you doing?" I could literally catch myself at becoming contrary to his suggestions. (Not about the same topic, but I do know what you are talking about). My man can come across as demanding and controlling, and I think my automatic dismissal of him was sometimes my attempt to counter-act feeling controlled. But honey...when you realize that he is trying to make these suggestions FOR YOU because he loves you and he wants to see you make this work with him, maybe you can stop being contrary. Even if you are thinking something contrary, instead of saying "I don't think that is the case", say "Ok - I will think about that". PLEASE do this, you really need to. Women need to learn about their own communication pitfalls, and what you are describing is one of them. The contrary statements do NOT promote good communication, and they also do NOT promote him learning to be less controlling. You have to take that up as a separate issue (his controlling nature) and stop dealing with it in this passive-agressive way. I hope that makes sense.
