And the day came ...

[sage]

Caz -- Hey! Now that I'm back at work I have access to the net again...I'll send you an email later today.

The class was fantastic -- I have 1 more this coming friday plus a bunch of work to do in the meantime. I'm getting my MBA ... this class was about evaluating companies as "triple bottom line" -- that is, on the "business" side but also the societal and environmental impact that the company has....my career goal is to move out of engineering and apply my business skills to improving the efficiency of non-profits...I've been volunteering at different jobs for more than a decade and in general think that many non-profits could serve more of the needy population and with a higher quality of service if they were taught to apply financial and managerial models. Problem is is that most social organizations are SO BUSY doing their jobs (understaffed, underpaid, etc) that they don't have time to strategize.

wow. can you tell that I'm passionate about this??? I am.

Sage, why do we have to forget about the OW in our H's lives? Were you insecure in your H's love before OW? Or did the insecurity start after? I think this is key to how you approach handling the insecurity.

Caz, I was VERY insecure before ow came along...questioned my h's love for me...his ability to love me in the way that I needed...questioned his fidelity, etc.

I put h. through a lot.

That's why I've sometimes compared my healing process to taking a drink from a fire hydrant...I have to learn how to trust and heal and forgive in this crappy sitch NOT having the sense of trust to fall back on from before.

Or would it have been worse if I had trusted and then been betrayed????

Why is the OW or insecurity 'Sage's" issue only?

I don't think that Happy1 is saying that it is...I think Happy is reiforcing the DB tenet that I can only change my behavior + not doing more of the same. In other words, yah, in a perfect world, h would be doing exactly what I'm asking him for...reassuring me...whatever...and I'd be healing on a faster pace...maybe even his timetable...whatever. Point is, I'm not getting what I want through my current behavior...it's time to make a change.

I used to feel as though h. never opened up to me...never did stuff for me. I complained and complained and complained and never got anywhere. Then I found DB'ing and tried some new stuff (listening more, not always making plans, etc) and voila -- h opens up more and more...makes plans for us...etc.

I think that the reassurance stuff could fall into the same category.

Have you read "men are from mars..."? It might help you understand your h's stance more...

Sage