DO NOT REPLY. Call her. When you do talk to her, keep it simple, and don't exaggerate what you know. Your purpose is to let her know that your wife is having at least an emotional affair with her husband, and that you thought she should know. You can "compare notes," and can continue to do occasionally, but that you have no desire to create a bunch of "drama" or to invade her privacy on a daily basis. Give her your number, and tell her she can call you if she wishes to or if she has some important information she feels you would need to know.
Be kind and compassionate, and thank her for agreeing to talk to you.
Puppy, thanks. I certainly do want to keep it simple as there is enough drama in my life already. I do not have her number, so I will have to reply to the e-mail to give her my cell #.
LIS
M45 WW 43 D17/S14/D11
ILYB Jan 08 PA Conf Feb 08 OMW / OM contacted S Jan / 09
No one ever has, or ever will, escape the consequences of their actions.
How do I answer WW when she asks why I contacted OMW?
I was thinking of something along the lines that the deception is not fair to either family and if she was fully in the know, she would have told me. (seems kind of lame though)
LIS
M45 WW 43 D17/S14/D11
ILYB Jan 08 PA Conf Feb 08 OMW / OM contacted S Jan / 09
No one ever has, or ever will, escape the consequences of their actions.
How do I answer WW when she asks why I contacted OMW?
I was thinking of something along the lines that the deception is not fair to either family and if she was fully in the know, she would have told me. (seems kind of lame though)
"Because I wanted to hear the TRUTH, and that's been in short supply around here lately."
Alternate:
"I am doing what I feel I need to do to protect myself, and to try to save my marriage and my family." (If she says "Well, YOU JUST BLEW IT!!" -- which she SURELY will -- you say "I understand that you're angry. I'd be angry too.")
Wed morning and not much new in the LIS house. Have not actually spoken to OMW yet. She came back with a few questions before she would agree to speak to me: - what did I hope to accomplish by speaking to her - has there been anything recent she should know about - how can she be sure I am who I say I am (she is concerned the e-mails may be coming from WW - I mentioned a similar concern earlier).
On the home front, things carry on despite WW verbal assault from Sunday. Not much contact of anykind last night due to K sports events in different parts of city. When I got home, took s13 to aftergrad party, came home and mowed lawn, washed vehicle and then took my turn for an hour hot tub soak listening to music (very relaxing for me - not sure if it helps things with WW but good me time).
WW and D10 went to one enabling gf last night after sports. When they got home (around 10) D10 came out to chat - WW went straight to bed. I was up until after midnight (had to go pick up S13 and D16), so needless to say, no conv with WW about much. She did phone me at work in day about supper and asked a computer question last night in the brief 15 minutes we had at home together (with D10).
WW is, I think, waiting for me to talk about her rant on Sunday about wanting to end this, but I have nothing further to say than what I did Sunday - I do not want D, want this family and M and am not leaving. I may say that to her again, and again, and again...
Still all going to a very tight quartered cabin this weekend.
PATIENCE - have to keep telling myself that because this is making me sick at times... Nothing new I am sure.
LIS
M45 WW 43 D17/S14/D11
ILYB Jan 08 PA Conf Feb 08 OMW / OM contacted S Jan / 09
No one ever has, or ever will, escape the consequences of their actions.
Wed morning and not much new in the LIS house. Have not actually spoken to OMW yet. She came back with a few questions before she would agree to speak to me: - what did I hope to accomplish by speaking to her - has there been anything recent she should know about - how can she be sure I am who I say I am (she is concerned the e-mails may be coming from WW - I mentioned a similar concern earlier).
- "What I hope to accomplish is to simply let you know what's going on. What you do with it is up to you, and if you don't want to hear from me any further after today, I will respect your privacy and your wishes. I just know if the situation were reversed, I would want to know."
She can know you are who you say you are by TALKING to you.
Her second question, to me, says that she either caught -- or OM copped to -- the affair at some point, but she's been led to believe that it's over "now." She sounds concerned not in hearing about an affair for the first time, but in hearing that there might be something RECENT going on.
Have you talked to friends up north to find out if your wife stayed there both nights?
- "What I hope to accomplish is to simply let you know what's going on. What you do with it is up to you, and if you don't want to hear from me any further after today, I will respect your privacy and your wishes. I just know if the situation were reversed, I would want to know."
She can know you are who you say you are by TALKING to you.
Her second question, to me, says that she either caught -- or OM copped to -- the affair at some point, but she's been led to believe that it's over "now." She sounds concerned not in hearing about an affair for the first time, but in hearing that there might be something RECENT going on.
Puppy, she knows something has been going on but said all she has been told is that they are "old friends".
Originally Posted By: Puppy Dog Tails
Have you talked to friends up north to find out if your wife stayed there both nights?
No, have not yet done that. My plan was to ask OMW whether OM was away last week at all. The friends are very good friends and I do not want to get them dragged in the middle of a pi$$ing match if there is no need. If there is a need, gloves are off.
On the other matter (WW wanting to again leave, call it quits, D, etc), am I handling it ok in your view? Suggestions? Not sure what I am doing is showing much "fight"... or is it?
LIS
M45 WW 43 D17/S14/D11
ILYB Jan 08 PA Conf Feb 08 OMW / OM contacted S Jan / 09
No one ever has, or ever will, escape the consequences of their actions.
I don't know if this is advise, but I'll tell you what I did in my sitch.
When WW said she wanted a divorce and her lawyer advised her to "work it out nicely" I told her she could file if she wanted to, but I would countersue on the grounds of adultery, go for full custody of the kids (not an issue for us as they're old enough to decide who they want to live with, but she didn't know that), do everything in my power to NOT pay alimony since she was the one that had the affair and wanted out, would go for full child support when I had custody of the kids and would call her and OM to the stand in the divorce trial so they could explain their relationship for everyone to hear.
Wasn't too long after she said she didn't want a divorce until "at least" DS16 graduates H.S. She then tried to arrange another meet with OM even though she told me it was over and I then told her she needed to end it with OM (NC) or we needed to separate. She said she wanted to separate but DS16 and her weren't going anywhere. I then told the kids what was going on and their reaction and treatment of her seems to be what has finally ended the affair for good and given us the chance we have at saving the marriage.
I wouldn't bring it up. Let her. If she brings it up, make HER do all the work and tell her you're not going to make it easy.
Waywards think that they can convince their spouse to "nicely" divorce and they will live happily ever after with OP. Put some "reality" into that fantasy and they have a way of seeing things differently.
Just my .02
Hope4us
Me - 49, W 49 S22 & S18 Dday 9/4/07 W claims NC 4/7/08 8/29/09 - Divorce Busted. Lots to work through, but we're going to make it.
I don't know if this is advise, but I'll tell you what I did in my sitch.
When WW said she wanted a divorce and her lawyer advised her to "work it out nicely" I told her she could file if she wanted to, but I would countersue on the grounds of adultery, go for full custody of the kids (not an issue for us as they're old enough to decide who they want to live with, but she didn't know that), do everything in my power to NOT pay alimony since she was the one that had the affair and wanted out, would go for full child support when I had custody of the kids and would call her and OM to the stand in the divorce trial so they could explain their relationship for everyone to hear.
Wasn't too long after she said she didn't want a divorce until "at least" DS16 graduates H.S. She then tried to arrange another meet with OM even though she told me it was over and I then told her she needed to end it with OM (NC) or we needed to separate. She said she wanted to separate but DS16 and her weren't going anywhere. I then told the kids what was going on and their reaction and treatment of her seems to be what has finally ended the affair for good and given us the chance we have at saving the marriage.
I wouldn't bring it up. Let her. If she brings it up, make HER do all the work and tell her you're not going to make it easy.
Waywards think that they can convince their spouse to "nicely" divorce and they will live happily ever after with OP. Put some "reality" into that fantasy and they have a way of seeing things differently.
Just my .02
And I agree with it, 100%. (big surprise there, huh)
