And the day came ...

[sage]

Happy1 --

Thanks so much for the thoughtful reply. I think that you've hit the nail on the head that something in my behavior needs to change in order to get things to be different. Simply put, I've been doing "more of the same" for months in terms of seeking reassurance from h. re. ow and it's just not working. As unfair as it feels to me (and whooboy does it, sometimes!), I'm really NOT getting what I want by my current actions AND I may be driving him away (or at least preventing us from moving forward) by my actions.

I'm not saying I'm not "entitled" (whatever that means) to reassurance. Or fidelity. Or sometimes him just giving me what I need because I've asked. or answers. or whatever.

"entitled" or not, I'm not getting the above by whatever I'm doing now. It's time for a change.

Basically, I am thinking that if I was your H, he is feeling that he knows about the OW and how wrong it was and everytime something goes wrong you are going to hang this over his head and pack bags.

well....I've only pulled out the suitcase once and it WAS after he threw around the D word...but I do see your point.

My fear is that h. is never going to feel forgiven. well, maybe my ROOT fear is that I'm never going to totally forgive.

I'm COMPLETELY unproud of this but my unforgiving nature is focused on wanting the ow to pay, pay, pay. AND, feeling as though if they are still in contact she is WINNING.

I gotta, gotta, gotta release this. I haven't come up with the magic bullet yet. I'm gonna figure it out though.

Until I can...I have to act "as if" ... stop dragging h. through the muck of my fears.

I know this is hard, but can you try to make it about his needs..the need to know you are not going to berate him. I know you aplogized before but your reoccuring actions totally deflate the apology.

Totally on target! My best DB success came when I was able to focus on his needs...and you know what??? My needs got met, too, they just weren't where I focused my energies FIRST.

What are his needs?
To be forgiven. To be trusted. To not be controlled. To be allowed to show me that he is trustworthy. To feel appreciated. To feel needed. To feel competent. To be loved. To be given the freedom to make his own mistakes BUT for me to have faith that he'll do the right thing. To feel as though what he's doing is good, is enough, is satisfying. To feel as though he is a good partner to me. To feel as though as though he makes me happy.

Can you ACT as IF for one week like you are honeymooners again? I mean really let it go the OW and focus on you both. Really try. I understand that you feel hurt and unappreciated and unloved to the level you deserve but to be honest you are not showing him any reason to act differently if is going to be the same thing over and over.

I am looking from H perspective and if you were to say to me I need your help getting over the A, I would say that is YOUR issue and that there in lies the problem. If you let it go then I can start to feel safe with you to know you love me and then I will show you.

I like your plan...I think it needs to be longer than a week, though....if only because we're recently coming off of this bad time...I think I need to build up more of a "reserve" -- though not so long that by the time I ask, I'm resentful and afraid and ...

If you show him strong and secure and that you are better than any other woman he may feel like reciprocating and THEN you can ask for more help from him. Now is not the time. Take a week or so to get the scene set and then ASK.

Ah, the essence of DB'ing. You've really got it!

Thanks again for the guidance.

Sage