Holding Pattern

[TwinDad]

Hey JWS,

Thanks for stopping by my thread. I just finished reading through your sitch. You have a lot going on in your life. Here are the good things I see

- You can be friends with your W
- You are supporting her in Law school and her life

The bad or not so good I see are pretty much summed up in one phrase. You need to stop talking about the R or more correctly testing the waters. You seem to try to take her emotional temperature quite frequently. If she is going to be a lawyer she is smart and she is going to see straight through this for what it is. More importantly, she will never give you the answer you want to hear until she decideds to do it on her own. If she is 90% home and 10% leaving and you ask that question she will tell you she is leaving. She will probably be doing this out of love as to not get your hopes up. I have seen on several occassions where you have a wonderful day with your best friend only to let something slip like this. I feel you spend enough time apart that you should be near perfect when you are around her. The rest of the time is your down time.

Let your actions speak not your words. Don't tell her you are going to do something to support her, just do it. If you harp on telling her about it, then she will think that you are only doing it to save the M and are not doing it from the heart. Just do it. Don't worry she will notice, she is watching you like a hawk and like she has never watched you before. Her biggest fear is that whatever changes you make are only temporary and that you will revert back. There is nothing you can say that will make her want to come back. Live the change ....make it part of you.

One thing that has not been brought up is yuour career. Perhaps she feels like she will always be second fiddle and follow you around even after she gets her law degree. Even though she may be able to get a good legal job anywhere, it may hamper her career (afterall they have to pass the bar exam for each state they are in) Have you ever considered a career change? Sure know you are having a blast flying military planes, but the military will only keep you in a yet for so long and then you pilot a desk...which will likely be a big adjustment. If you are a pilot then you are an officer and if you are an officer you must have a degree in something, what are your opportunities. It is highly unlikely that she would ever ask you to give up your career (out of love). This is a choice you would have to choose for yourself. Being a military spouse is a very difficult job for anyone, particularly a college educated about to be lawyer with career ambitions. Just to put things in perspective. I was a Coast Guard officer for about 6 years and my wife was in a budding career in real estate. She said she would follow me around, I chose to get out so that she could pursuit her career and figured I culd get an engineering job anywhere. There is a lot to be said about having stability in ones household in helping keep a M alive.

The advice I would give you, is have patience, be her best friend no matter what, if she decideds to go forth and file D and it get finalized then you can choose to not be. She hasn't gone and filed for D....she is watching you, she is looking for the changes.....listen to her heart not her mouth (accept when speaking of changes). Don't defend yourself...you have no leverage right now. When she does get ugly with you remember to believe nothing of what you here and only about 1/2 of what you see. I can't tell you how many times I have been told it is over.

Best wishes