______________________________________________________ when I REALLY look at the impact of DB'ing on my m, though, I'm amazed at the wonderful progress that we've made -- h is talking, sharing, participating -- I'm listening more, calmed down, etc. I actually think that we've managed to add to our foundation in a way that we never have before. I guess I just get impatient. and scared. ______________________________________________________
I'm probably feeling impatient and scared right now myself or wouldn't have said that about the cracks in the foundation.
LOL...I'm so impatient right now, I think I'm getting impatient with YOUR husband!!
I wish so much that he knew that what you're feeling is so very normal and what you're asking for is normal and reasonable. If he won't go to C and doesn't want to read books, it would be great if he could hear from another man (or couple) that has been through this process!
I'm with Talista on this one. Your H is really p!ssing me off, Sage, sorry but it's true!
I know I've said it before and it is probably not helpful at all, but I feel like he's using your vulnerability, your fears, as some kind of leverage, or a measure of how well your R is doing. NOT FAIR!
Does he respond at all well if you write out your feelings? Perhaps a gentle letter letting him know how MUCH you appreciate all the good, and would sooo appreciate some VERBAL reassurances from him?
I don't know. Perhaps you have a point and he is just not so sure of that himself. Somehow, though, I feel that his actions suggest he IS in this for real. I think he expects his actions to be ENOUGH for you, when clearly they are not.
So, a conundrum: How do you ask for reassurances (which IS NORMAL...if the bloody man would just READ some of this stuff!!! ) without A) making him feel that "nothing is ever enough" B) Risking hearing that he's not ready to give such reassurances.
Hey guys -- well I don't feel so bad now knowing that YOU both are impatient with him, too! All three of us can go down that cheeseless tunnel!
No babysteps at all last night....I came home from school and sought him out. He was chilly. OK, I won't pursue.
Did some yoga. Asked him about an hour later if he was going to get food. Still chilly.
He finally came down and said he wanted food. We ordered it but he was being such a dick (sorry) that I told him I'd go get it myself. Rest of the night was spent in separate rooms. No kiss good night.
I kissed him goodbye this morning but that was our only contact in a long time.
I'm looking forward to hearing any responses/advice to Shiny's q re asking for reassurance. I suppose I could write him a letter -- the problem with that is that I tend to get hung up on expecting a reply.
A big part of me thinks that pushing him now is the wrong tactic. To be blunt, I don't think he's recommitted at all right now -- may just be his own fear, or his own continued ambivalence or the presence of ow or ...I don't know. But I think he needs to come to some sort of recommitment on his own. My big dilemma is to try to strike the balance between not being a patsy (like last night I just could not put myself in front of him one more time and ask for "reassurance" through his actions) and not making him feel as though I've decided the m. is over. Honestly? I think I may just need to "drop the rope" on this one. If he comes back to me...well, maybe then it will feel to him like a good decision, on his own terms.
Still in school today but will sneak peaks at the board now and then. I've been pretty selfishly focused on my own thread due to the limited time...will catch up with you guys when I can.
Sage
Relax. Appreciate. Be calm. Laugh. Enjoy. Be secure. Be loving. Be loved. Don't personalize. Don't ASSume. Accept. Be grateful.
Quote: A big part of me thinks that pushing him now is the wrong tactic.
I agree whole heartedly...pushing him now would not be a good idea (imho)
Quote: To be blunt, I don't think he's recommitted at all right now --
that may be true but not in the fashion you are thinking...it was obvious that h was trying to get closer to you...with the exception of ow talks...perhaps he's just as scared as you have been and this sudden show of uncertainty...mistrust...etc..from you has put a damper on his efforts...(yes yes the ole...I'm doing all this and she's still not happy...she's still hung up on ow)
Quote: I think I may just need to "drop the rope" on this one. If he comes back to me...well, maybe then it will feel to him like a good decision, on his own terms.
would droping the rope entail not "needing" verbal reassurance from him that all is well?
Quote: Still in school today but will sneak peaks at the board now and then. I've been pretty selfishly focused on my own thread due to the limited time...
nothing selfish about it at all sage...you've hit a bump and it's understandable that you'd get consumed by it.
Quoting lostlove: that may be true but not in the fashion you are thinking...it was obvious that h was trying to get closer to you...with the exception of ow talks...perhaps he's just as scared as you have been and this sudden show of uncertainty...mistrust...etc..from you has put a damper on his efforts...(yes yes the ole...I'm doing all this and she's still not happy...she's still hung up on ow)
yah, I think this is a possibility. it's not that I want to him to feel hurt and confused but this possibility is more comforting to me than thinking that he's confused because he's not sure he really wants to be with ME, loves ME.
I wish I could help with this. Maybe if I'd stop feeling so insecure....
Quote: would droping the rope entail not "needing" verbal reassurance from him that all is well?
yah. no doubt. I'm trying. I've been saying for a while that I need to figure out an outlet for all of my confusion and sadness -- that doesn't include seeking solace from h. right now.
3 positives from yesterday:
1. I did yoga for 40 minutes 2. the teacher in my class (social entrepreneurship) told me that she really admired my personal interest statement and asked me if I would consider enrolling in her Fall class (business practices of non-profits) 3. My class has a group project...I was bold about seeking out 2 people from the class to be part of the group (I liked their backgrounds). Usually I feel like a total social misfit but yesterday I tried a 180.
Sage
Relax. Appreciate. Be calm. Laugh. Enjoy. Be secure. Be loving. Be loved. Don't personalize. Don't ASSume. Accept. Be grateful.
that does have a lot to do with it... you need to know (and this is the truth LL is not bs artist) that you are good enough..you are loveable..you are sexy..you are smart...and a whole lot of other things too!!
hard as it may be one thing you have to keep in mind is that typically when a person has an a they also are insecure...
you know that you are less insecure since despite your past displeasure or with the r you didn't seek outside reasurances of your worth...
it is ok to be the rock that h leans on..
it is ok to be the strength in the r..
it is ok to be the glue...
Quote: yah, I think this is a possibility. it's not that I want to him to feel hurt and confused but this possibility is more comforting to me than thinking that he's confused because he's not sure he really wants to be with ME, loves ME.
I think (and I stress think) that part of the reason my h left was because despite all he was doing to show he wanted to make the r better I just wouldn't let go of the ow...I wouldn't stop throwing it back in his face. obviously all that did was push him right to her...
Quote: yah. no doubt. I'm trying. I've been saying for a while that I need to figure out an outlet for all of my confusion and sadness -- that doesn't include seeking solace from h. right now.
uhm? I think you've got at least one outlet here with us on the bb...let it all out...we don't mind and we certainly wont be dissapointed to hear your sad, mad, resentful, fearful etc...stuff. we are here to help you work through it all.
and in the event that you fear h reading it so you don't want to let it all out...I don't mind a phone call now and then...I understand your fears and honestly am much better at talking than writing anyway.
I remember when we first met how similar our sitches were, and our Hs. Your H's stuff sounds like it might be depression. The problem is how not to take it personally. I think a few posts back I saw something in your thread that might help. You asked H what you could do that wouldn't bother him. He said, "Ask me if I'm in a bad mood..."
I've done this with my H and it has really helped me not take things personally.
I feel the chill sometimes, even when he comes over to see me (we're still separated.). A few times, I've said, "Having a bad day?" Get a yes. Follow it up with, "Do you wanna talk about it?" Get a no. But then sometimes he opens up about it later.
This has worked well because it helps me not feel it is about me personally, which in turn takes the pressure off both of us, and I think then lets him open up some.
So, my suggestion is that you try taking your H's advice that you asked for
You are leaps and bounds ahead of me, but I think sometimes its easier to see the depression operating from a distance.
-write him a letter giving him some of the reassurance you wo uld like.
-let him know that you are (both) going through a healing process and that it has stages.
-that the reassurances you have been asking for are your impatience to heal and move on.
-that even when things are at a rough spot (like now) that you are dedicated to the R and to him and that he IS enough and good enough or you wouldn't be bothering to go through this process with him in the first place.
You are very eloquent with the written word, so I'm sure you can express those things better than I can.
I read your posts and I think there has to be a major change on your part to get to the point YOU want it. Basically, I am thinking that if I was your H, he is feeling that he knows about the OW and how wrong it was and everytime something goes wrong you are going to hang this over his head and pack bags.
I am against the letter.. I really think this is an opportunity to use face to face. You have sent email apologies last week and got little response. He wants to see more. I think the letter idea is all about you and yoru needs..I know this is hard, but can you try to make it about his needs..the need to know you are not going to berate him. I know you aplogized before but your reoccuring actions totally deflate the apology.
Can you ACT as IF for one week like you are honeymooners again? I mean really let it go the OW and focus on you both. Really try. I understand that you feel hurt and unappreciated and unloved to the level you deserve but to be honest you are not showing him any reason to act differently if is going to be the same thing over and over.
I am looking from H perspective and if you were to say to me I need your help getting over the A, I would say that is YOUR issue and that there in lies the problem. If you let it go then I can start to feel safe with you to know you love me and then I will show you.
If you show him strong and secure and that you are better than any other woman he may feel like reciprocating and THEN you can ask for more help from him. Now is not the time. Take a week or so to get the scene set and then ASK.
Interesting if clashing ideas here Sage. That's why I love this BB, all kinds of opinions, all kinds of choices and options.
I really don't think your H is still hung up on OW. I get the sense (as someone said earlier) that his current "nose out of joint" is that he's been trying so hard with his ACTIONS, that your momentary backslide hit him really hard.
So, perhaps immaturely, he's pulling back. Perhaps thinking something along the lines of "I was doing XY ans Z and she is STILL insecure! Why bother!
Personally, I think that attitude SUCKS. CJ had a moment like that when I brought up my current dissatisfactions at dinner last week. I brought up the roller coaster analogy and he said it didn't feel like a dip, but rather a plunge we might not pull up from!!!
But we DID talk it out. He was still p!ssed the next morning, but when he read my posts about how good I felt about us in general for the last monthy it REALLY helped him. It let him know that I'm not a festering bag of insecurity, moaning and b!tching about him on here constantly.
Sage, really, the majority of your posts prior to this last glitch have been amazingly positive. Are you SURE he's been reading them? If he has, how can he NOT see that that night WAS just a backslide and not a catastrophe?
I rather liked your idea of letting him come to you this time. (After all you already DID apologize in an e-mail). I think that might be a 180?
What to do in the meantime, though? As mentioned earlier, perhaps the 'ol AS IF? Smile, be pleasant, expect positives but detatch some so that if he doesn't come around right away you don't let it affect YOUR PMA?
I KNOW you two will get past this, it's just such getting there!!!!
