Ouch, lynn. So sorry about the constant texts. So sorry.
You know, I have been thinking about your W's letter all night long. Its funny, but H and I actually fell into the 'plan' that she is proposing, without even discussing it. I will tell you, it doesn't work. Its awful at times. I just don't know how you would be able to do it and remain positive UNLESS she follows the guidelines that Puppy added, which I highly doubt she would. If you do agree, I would take the bedroom. Wouldn't it be so hard if she just didn't came home one night, but 'followed' the rules by staying out all night since she couldn't make it home by a reasonable hour?? That used to kill me, and knock me to the ground.
Just thinking out loud here. Its so hard, and no one is in your shoes. Only you will figure out what you can live with, and what is your absolute boundary.
Yes it's tough. Since I am out of the house right now it's a little easier to deal with. I don't have to see her constantly going out side to text him or whatever. If I lived there I would see those things. But I could start working on myself and she would see it...although I know she would see much of any of it in her cloud.
So my biggest decision now is to let her have the house but state my ground rules for no contact, finances, etc. Or move back in and reclaim my home. Any advice?
Lynn
Last edited by lynn97; 06/24/0804:18 PM.
ME: 37 W: 32 S11 D6 Together: 14 yrs. Married: 12 yrs. Previous PA: 8 yrs. ago Previous EA: 1 yr ago
Well I just found a way to look at phone numbers online. She's been constantly texting him as I feared. No I have 'iron clad' proof now what?
Lynn
Lynn,
Ordinarily, I would say "now you confront her with that," but your confrontation is going to be implied in your forceful e-mail response to HER e-mail "list of demands." In other words, when she hits the roof and starts screaming at you "I TOLD you, I'm NOT having an affair!", you simply say "Stop it. We both know that's not true, so please stop lying to me -- it's incredibly disrespectful." If she continues to lie, end the conversation immediately, saying "When you're ready to tell me the truth, we can discuss this," and leave the room.
Time to send her a version of that e-mail response.
She's playing you. She's being nice in order to get what she wants, or -- more accurately -- in advance, ASSUMING she's going to get you to be compliant and get what she wants. You'll have your answer about how she REALLY feels when you tell her you're not only moving back in, but you're sleeping in your own bedroom, and that you won't tolerate her communicating with her boyfriend from inside of YOUR home.
Steel yourself, Lynn -- it's going to be a storm like has never blown before, but -- just LIKE a storm -- it will soon blow over. Once she realizes you're serious in your boundaries, and that you're willing to enforce them, and that you WON'T engage with her when she's screaming, you will get a calm, more respectful wife. She may still cheat on you (you can't control her), and she'll be frustrated as hell and alternately confused, angry, nice, aloof, and every other emotion under the sun, but the STORM will pass.
Yes it's tough. Since I am out of the house right now it's a little easier to deal with. I don't have to see her constantly going out side to text him or whatever. If I lived there I would see those things. But I could start working on myself and she would see it...although I know she would see much of any of it in her cloud.
So my biggest decision now is to let her have the house but state my ground rules for no contact, finances, etc. Or move back in and reclaim my home. Any advice?
Lynn
RECLAIM YOUR HOME. Without a doubt. YOU did nothing wrong, Lynn -- why should you be the one to leave?
Reclaiming your home, and your bedroom and marital bed, will be the first step in reclaiming your self-respect. It will let your wife know that you're serious, and a man to be reckoned with.
Do so lovingly, but firmly. Do not yell -- no angry outbursts. Treat her like you would treat a relative, or a friend/roommate.
Don't engage in relationship talks.
Keep putting the ball squarely back in HER court: "End your affair, and we will talk about it." Say it over and over and over again. It will frustrate the crap out of her, but it DOES need to be the logical first step.
All the while, just work on YOU. GAL, be the better man, and be the absolute best father you can be. Fix things around the house that need fixing. Clean up after yourself, and pitch in on household chores, and then some.
