Quote: Maybe your H gets defensive with you because he's yet unwilling to face those demons yet?
not meaning to denounce what youre trying to say jethro as your words are often very wise...
since you pointed out the similarities you see in sage's h and mine..I will share a few things here...
at first (when h first came home that is...NOT first after disclosure of ow) or talk was open game...r talk was open game...ow talk was open game but a tad uncomfortable for both of us.
as time went on or talk was not taken well... r talk ok if delivered in a positive manner..reinforcing..thank you for this or that..it makes me feel good when you this or that..keeping I don't like this or that's to a minimum
r talks became a bad thing...seemed to push us further apart..h would get defensive...I would feel unheard..bla bla bla yuck...I wanted to talk about it..felt like I needed to talk about it and figured it would be best to talk with h. h didn't see it that way. so I talked to my c...I talked to you guys...and on occasion delivered the talk in his direction...needless to say it still wasn't taken well.
in focussing on the positives and letting h know that there are positives he has become more comfortable and talks are more comfortable for him...in asking about things..I do not accuse or imply accusation and I tend to get more positive from him than I bargained for.
here's a though...lesson learned from 4 year old son... if he wants something from me..and asks nicely and is happy when he asks I am happy to obliged and do my best to meet his request...when he is whiney, grumpy, frustrated etc...I am not as happy to meet his request. works kinda the same way in the adult world no??
