Hi Sage. I know you've been going through a rough patch lately...and I'm sorry. I think, for now, you found a solution...
Quote: when I REALLY look at the impact of DB'ing on my m, though, I'm amazed at the wonderful progress that we've made -- h is talking, sharing, participating -- I'm listening more, calmed down, etc. I actually think that we've managed to add to our foundation in a way that we never have before. I guess I just get impatient. and scared.
If I go back and really think about my sitch, our R (post-A) redeveloped in very gradual stages... Every so slowly, each day, she became more present and showed me (without really saying) that she cared. It was like, day-to-day there were subatomic steps with big steps every once in a while (funny...I get this picture of a line graph in my head...must be the ANALyst in me ).
In any case, I saw previously how you were jealous with my recent breakthrough. I remember feeling the same way some months ago about Lisakate's breakthough where her H had to pull the car over to the side of the road because he FINALLY realized what he had done with his As. My point here is that everything takes time. I know you want vindication, reassurance, etc., but I simply think it takes some of our Ses longer to come around than others. Heck, it took six months after finding out about my W's A for me to have this breakthough, but she's been in WA-mode since 10-01...
Really, I see similarities between your H and LL's...cringing at R talks, not reading books she suggested, not wanting to go to a C. It has taken her (and her H) some time to get to the point where they are today).
So, I guess I'm suggesting that you continue to be patient for a little while longer. But that is part 1.
Part 2 is a question: May I ask why you apologized for the other night? I mean, it's entirely reasonable that you ask to talk about the A. It seems from your past posts that whenever you bring up a sensitive subject with your H you end up apologizing for it later because he reacts in a way that tells you NOT to bring it up and it disrupts the flow of things. It's like you're gun-shy (not that all of us aren't). My concern is that even though you are justified in bringing up some of these issues, when you apologize your H gets the message from you that you shouldn't have brought it up in the first place and that you're sorry for even broaching the subject. As a result, he gets ticked every time the subject comes up...even if you approach it in a reasonable way. Does that make sense?
It will be uncomfortable, but can you simply tell him that you need to talk about this...that it's the only way to get through this crap and move on? Given his previous reactions, he'll push back, but maybe you need to push too? Frankly, it is NOT okay that he had an A. It is NOT okay that he's unwilling to discuss it with you. I guess we all have to face our demons, Sage. Maybe your H gets defensive with you because he's yet unwilling to face those demons yet?
). 
