Officially Here Now

[7 Year Itch]

Ugh, what a mess yesterday was.

R talk (yes I failed once again, but today is a new day, I think I finally get it, and I'm really set to start fresh and stop those). Ended up having great sex (go figure) then he was gone all day with the girls.

Ended the day after he put the girls to bed with more R talk (yes, this is why I'm now done) that ended with him saying again that it won't change, he knows his feeling won't change, and that he doesn't see a future with us.

HE said "I've heard all this before. You aren't hearing me" to which I said the same thing I always say."I do hear you. I know you don't love me right now, and can't imagine ever loving me again. But we don't know the future".

To which he said "I know it won't change"
To which I end up a blubbering crying mess again. He has like an hour and 15 minute drive to where he is staying and it was 10:00pm, so he said."I need to end this tonight and get going home to get some sleep for work. We can talk more tomorrow night if you want".

He will be out tonight for D6's Tball practice and then will stay until the girls are in bed. So my 180 tonight will be to NOT take him up on that offer. I swear if I can make it through tonight NOT doing an R talk it will be a victory for me. I've really got to try. I'm an idiot and for some reason thought MY H would be different, that I could get through to him. But I see now he is just like the other WAS's and I need to start doing the DBing religiously.

I've got the SSMarriage on the way from Amazon. Not that I can do much with it now, but I do want to read it as if we DO ever get back together we will need to work through that.

I also am starting with a new therapist. Unfortunately he is booked solid for a couple weeks so hopefully when I do get in with him it will help.

H took the girls to the house he is staying at yesterday so they could see where he was staying. He said the girls loved it there because they have dogs and they played with them the whole time. The guy he is staying with is Divorced and has a room for his D6 that my D6 can stay in, and our D2 would probably just sleep in bed with H. He says he wants to have them start staying up there with him on his nights off.

This is where I lost it and started sobbing and I said."Please don't take my girls from me." I've been a SAHM since there were born. I'm with them 24/7. IT honestly breaks my heart to no end to think of whole 24 hour periods of not seeing them.

God, I hope he doesn't want to start that right away this weekend. I just cannot take this.

I'm looking for a part time job, so maybe I could fill that time and start saving some money too, but with his job it's hard to get a set schedule going. Right now we are kind of just taking it week by week and planning around his on call and off duty jobs. So it's making it tough for me to see when I could work.

Anyway.......... wish me luck that I can actually do a major 180 on him, and after he puts our D to bed, to simply say....... "ok, we'll we'll see you Thursday. Have a safe drive". and usher him on his way.

Chris