Slippage

[HalfMissing]

Grace,
You have to accept what these men are capable of doing. My ex is totally unable to talk verbally to me anymore. I would try to discuss things with him on the phone and despite my careful phrasing and business-like behavior he would always get angry and start acting irrational and yell at me. This was totally different behavior from during the marriage when he never yelled or lost his temper.

I tried for months to be able to discuss things with him and finally had to accept that even though he "should" be able to have a civil relationship with me over the phone, he just cannot do it. You cannot control them. They can only do what they can do.

So I changed how I interact with him. We agreed to only interact through email about issues about the children, financial things, etc. I can get my points across and have a written record of what was agreed to. The kids are not exposed to his rants. I only check that email account once a week so I don't have to get constantly upset by his ranting emails. (I am the bad guy in his mind and I get spew over stupid things like not sending enough outfits with the kids.) My rule is to only reply to important emails and to ignore the stupid ones so that I don't encourage it. We use text messages for more time-sensitive items like schedule times. It has helped me a lot emotionally to cut down on the interaction. It would be great if we could have a friendly relationship but he can't do it and I have given up trying to fix him.

I am not happy with how he interacts with my children now, but there is nothing I can do about it. I can only change what happens when they are with me.

My ex has also given the kids the message that it is ok to be rude to me. He encourages the kids to badmouth me to him and their consequent lack of respect for me has gotten very bad. I cannot force him to stop it so all I can do it change things on my end. I have also put the kids in counseling to try to counteract some of the bizarre ideas he is putting in their heads.

My advice for you, Grace, is to let go. Ask him once nicely and if he continues, you have to accept that that is what he is just going to do. You have to ignore his bad behavior and send positive messages to your kids when they are with you.