On the one hand, I feel like at this point, it should be ok for me to ask for reassurance re. ow and our m. and NOT have to deal with D talk and anger and whatever. On the other hand, I'm mad at myself for doing "more of the same" -- not just focusing on the great stuff that h. IS doing, needing reassurance, mistrusting, etc. I wish that I could have pushed thru this on my own but I just couldn't, I don't know why.
You were right about our situations and issues being so similar. I sure can relate.
What I was asking for the other day was some SIGN that he could take a step towards me. I don't think I can make this big, giant, scary, alligator infested leap alone. I need him to lean over and reach out his hand -- maybe risking getting bitten himself -- to help me along.
Exactly. Can you tell him that?
what is so clearly FEAR in my mind looks like something completely different in h's.
Can you tell him that you are terrified when you are terrified so he can learn to know the difference?
I want to ask him to read "after the affair" (I won't). I want to let him know how much I want his love and our m.
Why don't you?
Look Sage, I think I'm having an epiphany of sorts here and may have found something that works in my sitch. H has a view of me being independent (don't need him, don't really love or like him, why do I even keep him around). I'm finding better results when I let down my guard and show him that I'm feeling small and terrified when I feel that way and tell him what I need to hear for reassurance.
H called during my lunch break to ask how my day was going (no mention of our annaversary). I couldn't help it, I burst into tears--true blubbering and thank God I was alone in my office! I must have sounded like a little kid, snuffeling and telling him how afraid I was that he wasn't ever coming back/maybe he was still seeing her/that he was still eyeing the escape hatch/that I loved him so much and was so afraid that I was losing him!
We hung up and he called back not more than five minutes later. Said, "I'm not going to bail on you! Even when it's tough or we argue or don't communicate well, I'm not going to give up and abandon you! I'm not staying away as a punishment, I'm taking a time-out to get my s**t together so I won't do anything more to hurt you"!
OK, maybe this isn't exactly great DBing techniques on my part (except maybe I'm doing a great big 180). It sure isn't in line with anything I learned growing up about women being strong and independent. Right now, I feel like a scared and hurt little girl and when I show on the outside what I feel on the inside--H gets it and responds. Not only did he respond with the reassurance that I want, but was acting out-and-out protective.
Now he's not acting like I'm the tough, "controlling" woman demanding something that he'll be damned if he'll comply with. Now he's the big strong man acting like a hero and being protective because I'm really showing that I feel weak and vulnerable and afraid. Hmmmmm.....ok.
Part of me feels like I'm betraying all the women before me who worked so hard not to be seen as the "weaker sex" who needs a man to take care of them. Right now I don't care about that. If I have to do the first Native American woman's Marilyn Monroe impersonation to save my M, I'll do it!
