No discussion or real contact with h. yesterday. I didn't send him an email of apology -- partly because I wasn't sure what to say and partly because I was afraid he would think that I was being manipulative or controlling in some way.

I'm feeling so darned confused right now. On the one hand, I feel like at this point, it should be ok for me to ask for reassurance re. ow and our m. and NOT have to deal with D talk and anger and whatever. On the other hand, I'm mad at myself for doing "more of the same" -- not just focusing on the great stuff that h. IS doing, needing reassurance, mistrusting, etc. I wish that I could have pushed thru this on my own but I just couldn't, I don't know why. Lack of patience, bad DB'ing, a weakness in me?

I've been noticing a definite correlation between my r. and talitsa's. In her last post she talks about how her MC told both her and h that they were both suffering from needing reassurance from each other (tho' they obviously play out their anxiety in different ways). There's a big part of me that thinks the same is true for h and me. GOD KNOWS that my anxiety and insecurity and need for reassurance is just hanging out all over the place At least that's the way it seems to me -- tho' perhaps what is so clearly FEAR in my mind looks like something completely different in h's.

BUT, what about him? Was ow in part a sign that I just wasn't loving him enough? giving him the reassurance that he needed? no doubt. SO WHAT ABOUT NOW??? (Yes, I'm yelling!) Is ow still around as a safety net? or am I just crazy (or both)? Does h think that I'm angry at him? that I don't love him? that I don't love our m?

It's not that. It really isn't. I'm terrified of giving myself completely to him and to our m. while I think ow is still around -- OR that he's still thinking "escape route" -- yet as I've said before, I don't think he'll STOP thinking escape route until he feels it fully from me.

What I was asking for the other day was some SIGN that he could take a step towards me. I don't think I can make this big, giant, scary, alligator infested leap alone. I need him to lean over and reach out his hand -- maybe risking getting bitten himself -- to help me along.

I don't know what to do now. I want to send him pointers to talitsa's threads (I won't). I want to ask him to read "after the affair" (I won't). I want to let him know how much I want his love and our m. Will I?

Sage

Relax. Appreciate. Be calm. Laugh. Enjoy. Be secure. Be loving. Be loved. Don't personalize. Don't ASSume. Accept. Be grateful.