And the day came ...

[sage]

So now what? From some of the things you said, sound like you are ready to give up. However, I think that is still your frustration talking. Can you take a couple of days off work, just to have some Sage time? To recharge your batteries a little? Like she said, you can't be superwoman all the time. Maybe just a little rest and time away from the situation is what the doctor ordered.

Hi Jim,

Taking some time off sounds like a great plan -- I'd have to go away, too, since h. is home all day! Unfortunately, this mini-meltdown coincides with an intensive course that I'm taking at school -- 2 days this weekend and 1 day end of next week with plenty of work in between. We've got plans to go away the weekend after...I've been thinking today that if h. backs out of that, I'll go by myself.

As for the "giving up" concept -- I'd be lying if I said that I hadn't considered throwing in the towel. I love my h. I believe in our m. I believe that we will get thru this if we both want to. What I'm struggling with right now is whether or not he wants to -- and whether or not I feel like waiting for him to decide. There's a part of me that thinks that h. will ALWAYS feel like leaving me if he doesn't leave...do you know what I mean? I swear that there's a part of him that believes that there "may" be someone "better" out there...

The other thing that's weighing on my mind is what seems to be his "out" right now -- that things AREN'T better by now, ergo they never will be. I posted some time fairly recently about another poster whose h. had a second a. since he never figured she'd forgive him for the first. I'm not saying that my h is actively pursuing anything but the defeatist attitude seems to exist for him. I'm frustrated and angry that he seems to be totally disinterested, too, in educating himself about healing from infidelity and working with me.

I don't want my m. to end. I really, really, really don't. I've been hinting on the boards and also to h. that I'm not sure I can finish this healing on my own...and I'm truly not sure about that. Maybe I've still got some oomph left for the seemingly solo effort of DB'ing but eventually, I am completely convinced that we have to join forces to wring out this "you'll never trust me" "you're not trustworthy" corner case. It astonishes and perplexes and utterly wounds me that he doesn't seem able to do that with me.

Sage