I could use some feedback regarding a message I'll probably send to H. It's pretty self explanitory and if anyone could comment on how it comes across I'd apprecite it.
"Was there something on your mind yesterday that you wanted to tell me about? Did I say or do something that bothered you or mad you angry? I’m listening if there’s something you want or need to put on the table. While communication may not be a strong suit between us, don’t you think it’s time? I seem to be doing something that makes it really difficult for you to speak to me. If you could share what that is, perhaps there’s something I can do about it. I’m missing something here."
Hi Grace- I think the message is fine but do you really want to say that YOU "seem to doing something that makes it really difficult..." I just might say that there seems to be a difficulty and not point fingers. Is there a reason whay you want to take the blame for your H not being able to speak to you?
I saw H Sunday (he visits D's here every Sunday) and things were ok for the most part. He got quiet (even for him) in the evening and as he left I said "good-bye" and was met with silence as he closed the door (yes, heard me). I am beyond tired of his not responding to me. Aside from it being rude (which honestly, I could live with), I don't like the message it gives D's (it's ok, no to respond to Mom) and it's been an issue with D13. It would be typical of me to let it go (or if he hadn't closed the door say something like "okey dokey then") and I'm afraid we're getting to the point of his not being able to say little things to me let alone talk about the big things with regards to D's. While it's sad, he is their Dad and it would be nice if he talked to them (at least them) about what's going on with regards to school, boyfriends, C's etc. apparently he doesn't (from D's).
What am I looking for? Well, clearly what I've been doing isn't helping, so this is something different and I'm looking for a way to open up a dialog about D's.
Grace, As far as your D13 is concerned regarding your standards, it is up to you to convey the message to her about what you expect. She needs to learn that she has to be respectful to you and there are no and ifs or buts about it.
Unfortunately although it would be ideal if your Husband supported you, but please don't have those expectations of him.
The Man has alot on his mind and is barely functioning.I am not making excuses for him, I am just telling you that things are not always as they seem.
Did you ever think that when he comes to the house to see his kids how difficult it is for him emotionally?
Do you have any idea how hard it is for him to have to leave his home after each visit?
For now Grace, try to be his friend.
Stay away from anything that involves him having to man up.
Stick to little things, like the weather, movies, etc.
Make your home a place that keeps making it harder and harder for him to leave.
Don't write the note yet....
There can be no testimony without a test. I am praying to go through this test and come out the other end with a new and better marriage then before.
Grace, You have to accept what these men are capable of doing. My ex is totally unable to talk verbally to me anymore. I would try to discuss things with him on the phone and despite my careful phrasing and business-like behavior he would always get angry and start acting irrational and yell at me. This was totally different behavior from during the marriage when he never yelled or lost his temper.
I tried for months to be able to discuss things with him and finally had to accept that even though he "should" be able to have a civil relationship with me over the phone, he just cannot do it. You cannot control them. They can only do what they can do.
So I changed how I interact with him. We agreed to only interact through email about issues about the children, financial things, etc. I can get my points across and have a written record of what was agreed to. The kids are not exposed to his rants. I only check that email account once a week so I don't have to get constantly upset by his ranting emails. (I am the bad guy in his mind and I get spew over stupid things like not sending enough outfits with the kids.) My rule is to only reply to important emails and to ignore the stupid ones so that I don't encourage it. We use text messages for more time-sensitive items like schedule times. It has helped me a lot emotionally to cut down on the interaction. It would be great if we could have a friendly relationship but he can't do it and I have given up trying to fix him.
I am not happy with how he interacts with my children now, but there is nothing I can do about it. I can only change what happens when they are with me.
My ex has also given the kids the message that it is ok to be rude to me. He encourages the kids to badmouth me to him and their consequent lack of respect for me has gotten very bad. I cannot force him to stop it so all I can do it change things on my end. I have also put the kids in counseling to try to counteract some of the bizarre ideas he is putting in their heads.
My advice for you, Grace, is to let go. Ask him once nicely and if he continues, you have to accept that that is what he is just going to do. You have to ignore his bad behavior and send positive messages to your kids when they are with you.
Me45 H45 D13 S10 together-23 years married-21 years MLC Divorced 10/3/07 Married to a wonderful new man.
I'll take the other side of the issue and say that I think it's fine to broach the subject with him.
But I think the wording of your message is a bit passive aggressive in that you seem to be suggesting that you are at fault when you really want him to get the message that he is at fault.
A note that simply expresses that you a) understand it must be difficult for him to come to the house and then leave after visiting the girls b) are hurt when he cannot even respond to a goodbye or a hello c) that his lack of response is being picked up on by the girls in the way they interact with you d) that you would appreciate it if the two of you could at least interact on the level of friends when he's there
would get your point across without the hidden messages.
I think all the other advice is valid as well, so I can understand you choosing to NOT communicate with him about this. My tendency is to at least try to guide the wanderer towards positive interactions, especially when the children are involved.
Blessings,
Bill
"Don't tell me the sky is the limit when there are footprints on the moon."
Hi, Grace ~ I'll wishy-washily agree with everyone, except I would skip the part about how his lack of response hurts you. At certain points in the separation process, I think it's impossible for the WAS to hear any expression of those kinds of feelings from their spouse without it feeling like pressure, setting off guilt they don't don't want to deal with, etc.
You have every right to point out that his behaviour is impacting your parenting relationship, though, and to ask him to 'step up' when it comes to raising your children together.
I really appreciate everyone's feedback. It has pointed out some things that I either forgot or was not aware of. Not that I'm ever guilty of looking at things onesidedly (is that a word??)
I think that more time and consideration are in order. If at some point I do send it, (thanks for pointing out the passive agressive tone Bill) I will need to re-write it.
While I agree that I have the right to point this out, I had not considered how he felt about coming here to visit and then leaving. Quite honetly (and sadly), I haven't thought about that in awhile. I needed the reminder, thank you bnd.
All in all I need to be grateful that he doesn't spew. And, while I can't say he's "stepping up" the way the girls need (working on differentiating between what they need and what I want), he is available to them as much as he's capable of emotionally and he's consistent physically.
Reading through your posts, all I could think was let it go. What you want your H to act a certain way. He has to come to things on his own. Let it go.
IMP
PS - Tipping Point and Blink! by Malcom Gladwell are good books.
