Okay, so I'm really getting discouraged, I mean, really I am.
You know I left him, I should be the angry, pissed off at the world, I should be the curt spouse... this is sooo backwards.
I sent him an itemized list, and naturally, his response is curt. Gives me an excuse that he was 'waiting for me to give him a list'... which was bullsh!t, because his last email to me said... He'll get the items I listed (from my last email) and have them ready next week (which was last week). Sigh. Again, the typical, 'turn it around' snap-foo.
He's sooooo bitter. I mean, BITTER!!!!! And it's only at me it's directed too. So depressing.
And tonight was a soccer board meeting, which I'm on the board. Here the actual Coach of my SS's team, who is also on the board, asks me... "So, how does SS like soccer camp?" He has no clue, which I can understand. I see no reason why my H would 'discuss' it with anyone. I sheepishly look at him, and just casually say that, "Well, I don't know." Took a deep breath and said, "H and I are separated right now." He looked at me and was shocked, said he was so sorry, and of course polite, but curious. I didn't get into the private info, but told him that "Yeah, I'm hopeful things will work out. I don't know though. I'm just staying out of the way right now." He was very nice, concerned and I could tell that he didn't know, so he wasn't fishing for info. (H is his asst. coach) I felt like such a dolt at this meeting. Here I'm sitting at this meeting, volunteering my time on my H's request, and now, we're S. It was a very hard reality in-your-face reminder of what little appreciation I got. But I managed to smile my way through the meeting like nothing was wrong... as usual.
Then I come home, and get H's response. Very curt still. I just have this sinking feeling that I'm fighting a lost cause, really. And yes, I am fighting that feeling ever so much, switch my focus on other things, but reality is still hitting me in the face. That I'm just denying myself the truth. That my hope is not real. I'm just telling myself that things will get better, things will get better so I can walk another day. I really love my husband though, but I'm no priority to my H and therefore, no interest what so ever to work anything out. That is the signal I get from him, that is what I know. I am of no priority. That hurts.
You know what I really think, I don't think he would ever file a D, not because he wants this marriage to work, or other positive reasons, but because he wants me to get fide up from sitting here waiting, while he 'ignores' me and then I file for D, so that he can turn it all around on me and blame me, yet again. He's a very strategic thinker.
Can someone please tell me, why do I love this man? I should despise him, loath him, be angry for what he said, how he treated me, and for how difficult he's being now. I don't even think he even understands WHY I left him, he's so focused on himself, his pain, his hurt, etc. I don't even think he realizes what he said to me, how HE acted. He has a very self righteous attitude. How do you deal with that personality? You can't, you just can't, and you'll never win. I really feel sorry for him, truly. He has no idea what he's losing, and doesn't seem to care a slick about it either. Man, that is so sad to me.
