And the day came ...

[sage]

Pam -- Your reply was wonderful and really insightful. It was right on the mark (feelings had been building up, striking while the iron was HOT, etc) and it helped me see something that I had missed...

At some point this week I posted about feeling as though I was (unfairly) looking for some "grand gesture" from h -- something to assure me of his fidelity and love and recommitment to our m. I think the events of last night were me pushing for that....well, I certainly got my gesture but it sure as hell wasn't GRAND!

Part of the problem is that I just don't know how to bring up sensitive subjects to h in a way that doesn't rouse his defensiveness. So I end up doing all the wrong things at all the wrong times and well, you see what happens! Jeannine gave me some great advice on my last thread so I'll definitely pull that out.

There's certainly nothing healing about the way that the events unfolded last night...and so far, the aftermath is dramatically uneventful. I "slept" on the couch (amazing that I'm functioning on 4 hours of sleep!) and didn't talk to h. this AM. I don't expect to hear from him today at all. I'm going out this evening so it'll likely be a long day of no contact.

TBH -- it unnerves me more than a little that the D. word was tossed out there so cavalierly. I guess I had hoped that we had moved passed that point...though apparently not out of the woods yet.

It wouldn't kill me to take a few steps back myself and figure out what I want....

Sage