And the day came ...

[sage]

Hi SB -- Can I just say that I feel you standing squarely in my corner? 'tis a very nice feeling.

Has he read "After the Affair"? or am I correct in remembering that he's not 'big" on the self-help stuff? Bloody #$@%&***!

My h. read a book about affairs and their aftermath? whooo! That's a funny one. He wouldn't even talk about the Five Love Languages book (certainly wouldn't read it!) so I don't think ATA is gonna make its way into his hot little hands.

Why did he get SOOO defensive? And what's with the D talk? Was he being sarcastic? Was he "fed up" that you "still don't trust him 100%"? Your boy needs a reality check, Sage.

i don't know, i don't know, i don't know. It was definitely the extreme of our crappiness -- me asking for reassurance (in what was no doubt a judgemental way), cloaked in a shroud of mistrust which will just send him WAY back to his corner. blech.

I'm really mad that he threw the D thing in your face. How unkind and selfish. And he really DIDN'T answer your question at first did he? Why in God's name would he say "she's not the only one who e-mails me"

Yah -- me too on the D. Maybe it was for effect. Maybe he wants one still. Maybe he was just figuring "this isn't getting better" or maybe his was thinking "I'm not able to fix this for her so why not get out". As for the "emails" thing -- well, it was a) just bad wording b) a cruel joke or c) a Freudian slip. I don't think I'll be asking anytime soon which.

His idea of a joke? A nice sharp dagger to pierce Sage's fragile heart? Can you send him over here so I can slap him upside the head a few times???

Yup. He's on his way!

Okay, now to play my role as devil's advocate. He is probably sick and tired of you suspecting him of being in contact with her. Ok, legitimate. But you know what? Your healing is on YOUR timetable, not HIS!

I know this. I'm sure this stinks for him, too. I stupidly hoped that we could get through this together.

Is he going to have to put up with more of this kind of stuff as you heal, most likely yes. So maybe he needs a more constructive way of dealing with you in these moments.

Well, actually, I'm gonna walk thru fire to make sure that he doesn't deal with this again. I'm off the horse and not getting back on again in terms of expecting reassurance from him. Now I just need to figure out if I want to be married to someone who can't deal with this sort of thing...

He's turning it around on him: my wife doesn't trust me, poor me, I'm doing XYZ and it's still not enough, poor me, I can't even check my e-mail (which is how I had my EA) without her being bugged, poor me!

This is it in a nutshell, I think. I guess to be fair, we could also add "I'm not sure I can fix this" and possibly even "is she worth the effort".

Thanks again, SB. Your words and support have really helped.

Sage