maybe if I blink and shake my pony tail I can turn into a fly on the wall! good luck!
found out about affair 8/06 H moves out Nov/06 D final 8/07 X re marries OW 5/08 _________________________ Courage does not always roar, sometimes it is a quiet voice at the end of the day saying... " I will try again tomorrow". -- Mary Anne Radmacher
found out about affair 8/06 H moves out Nov/06 D final 8/07 X re marries OW 5/08 _________________________ Courage does not always roar, sometimes it is a quiet voice at the end of the day saying... " I will try again tomorrow". -- Mary Anne Radmacher
We had wings, beer, some laughs, and some serious relationship talk initiated by her. The relationship talk was a little uncomfortable for me.
Long story short, she wants to reconcile. I don't want to and I'm feeling very guilty about it. Guilty because of this obligation I feel to my S8, guilty because I'm now involved with OW, and guilty because I don't think I love her anymore. The pain and hurt took so long to get over and it zapped any love I had left for her. After her first OM was turned down for parole, she came to me. I hesitated and it wasn't a week later she was back with her first H from 20 + years ago. She is using him, but he doesn't know it yet. She was ready to forget him briefly for a booty call from me. The whole thought of it made me sick at my stomach. Definitely unattractive to me. This Woman is a user and I don’t know if she’s ever going to understand what she did to me or how selfish she was/is. I’ve changed, she has not. Now that gap/disconnect between us is even grater than it was before.
I'll write later when I have more time.
"It is curious that physical courage should be so common in the world and moral courage so rare." -Mark Twain
Don't feel guilty. You tried hard to save your marriage, and I agree with your assessment that you W has not shown a pattern of behavior that would lead you to think she has truly changed her ways.
We all should be open to the possibility of reconciliation where there are kids involved. BUT - that possibility is only a mirage if the WAS doesn't gain insight into WHY they behaved the way they did, AND has a plan for how they will implement their changes.
I'm sure you would feel differently about all this if her behavior was different. But right now, I think your instincts are probably correct. And it certainly isn't in the best interests of your son, at this point, to have a brief reconciliation and then have it fall apart again because she hasn't addressed her issues.
You know what this would look like if she really DID get it. She wouldn't be in any current R with any other man. She would be patient and content to be your friend for now. She would be working on herself. If you want to see what this looks like, read back through AmyC's threads (she was the WAS).
Your right Ellie. If she was really interested in true reconciliation, she wouldn't be back with OM #2. Who... unknown to me at the time has been pinning for her for the last two years while she was waiting on the jail bird to get out.
What a mess! I feel relieved in some regard that I'm on the outside looking in right now. I have no ideal what happen to the Woman I married. She is very foreign to me. I don't see how I could ever feel for her like I once did.
I've heard it said on here a few times.. "Would you date your WAS right now if you were complete strangers and had no history/kids together?" My honest answer would be "NO" at this point.
This is really hard on my conscience. Will God forgive me for not taking her back?
"It is curious that physical courage should be so common in the world and moral courage so rare." -Mark Twain
Well, the ball is in your court right now. Lay down some parameters of what it would take for you to reconsider. It doesn't sound like you have anything to loose--you don't want her in her current state, anyway. If she decides that she does want back in, she will try to follow your course. If she doesn't, then you are right about her and loose nothing.
What would she have to do?
Commit to x # of IC sessions? Severe all contact with OM, and be willing to show proof of that (telling you where she is, having open cell phone bills, etc). MarriageBuilders goes so far as to recommend that partners recovering from an affair move away from the "addiction," the OM. What else would she have to do? How long would she have to sustain those changes / behaviors?
Who knows? If she is really committed, you might just end up with the W who you always wanted.....if we were so willing to change and grow, then they may be, also. Lay it all out, stand back and watch....
ps--God doesn't want you in a marriage that will only lead back to the mess that it became...He wants to see the vows you both took fulfilled. She has to be willing to accept and live those vows. Her adultery freed you from the vows you took with her. She is the one who has to prove herself.
Go back and read some of Ty's (Tiara Boy)old stuff. When his wife wanted to reconcile he had this huge laundry list for her that she had to do for him to agree to work on things. He put the ball solely in her court and she chose not to do it.
If there is a mental list that you have that you would need to reconsider, then give it to her. If she makes the right changes, who knows what could happen down the road and you have still fulfilled your obligations to your child.
No from the hip decisions needed here buddy, just take some time and think it through before you just say no.
The first time she wanted to reconcile with me I told her no contact with the inmate. I didn't know about her ex husband from 20 years ago at the time.
Me: You have to break off contact with OM.
Her: We are just "friends"
Me: I'm sorry, that's unacceptable to me.
Her: We are just "friends" and that's all.
Me: I'm sorry, I won't accept that.
We left it at that. I did not suggest any conditions this time because I didn't initially entertain the ideal of reconciling with her.
"It is curious that physical courage should be so common in the world and moral courage so rare." -Mark Twain
good luck!